Do You Try To Manipulate Like This?

It’s erroneous for me to believe I need to do something to try to change someone. Over and over again, I see it played out in my own life and in the lives of my family, friends, clients and acquaintances ~ wanting someone else’s life to be different than how they want it to be. It tortures us, the ones who want more, different or better for those we care about. We end up feeling like we need to do something, that we need to try to help or change someone. Then, when our assistance is refused, we feel helpless.

You know what I’m talking about, the sibling who drifts from job to job or from town to town never seeming to be a productive member of society the way we’d like them to be, the way that we’re convinced would make them happy. Or the spouse who is an alcoholic and becoming more and more irresponsible, angry and violent, but rejects any help that we offer.

It’s actually rather arrogant of us to assume that what would make us happy would also make them happy. Or that we know what their soul’s purpose is and how they should go about living it. This behavior also doesn’t serve us because it keeps our focus off of the one thing we can change or do anything about ~ ourselves and our own thoughts, beliefs, words and actions.

Call to Action: Who are you trying to manipulate or manage? Who do you wish would act according to your standards yet keeps ‘letting you down’? What’s their behavior about which you really have an issue? How and where do you exhibit the same or a similar behavior in your own life? Are you willing to accept or change this behavior within yourself? What action will you take today or this week to help you create a shift?

Remember: You can only see and recognize a quality in somebody else that you already possess. Do you have the courage to bring your focus back to yourself?

Love and Embrace All of Your Emotions

One of my favorite poems is Rumi’s, The Guest House. I’ve included it here for those of you who aren’t already familiar with it:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each guest has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

What feelings are you telling to quiet down and go away? They’re the ones jumping up and down, begging for your attention. Will you tend to them today or wait for them to act out and yourself to become overwhelmed by them?

Usually it’s our ‘negative’ emotions that we do this with ~ our fear, anger and grief… Paralyzed by fear, consumed by anger, drowned in sorrow… This is what awaits us when we repeatedly ignore their call.

Basically, our emotions are like little kids and if they’re not getting the love and attention they feel they need, they’ll act out in order to get it.

So, when we feel our emotions are controlling us, there’s a good chance that we simply need to give them more tender loving care.

Our feelings are never wrong. Greet them with the love and compassion we’d bestow upon a sick child. Tend to their needs. Ask them what they want and then give it to them, gratefully.

All these ‘negative’ emotions want is to be loved, accepted and embraced. They have just one purpose in your life ~ to help you grow to love and accept yourself more and more. Are you willing to go there?

Namaste,

Jill

More Smiles ~ May 2009

Experience Peace

We all have them, energy vampires ~ the people and situations in our lives that we dread and consequently avoid as much as possible. They suck us dry every time we’re around or in them. We may not notice it as it’s happening, but we often can’t wait to get away from them and feel exhausted when we do finally break free. Maybe it’s your friend who is always complaining about everything in their life without wanting to change anything or wanting any solutions. Or perhaps it’s the addict who either doesn’t realize or doesn’t seem to care that they are no longer in control of their life.

Regardless, their energy is negative and it can end up overwhelming you and causing you to react like a puppet on strings. There you are, having a fine time, when suddenly they show up in your thoughts or your environment. Before you even know what’s happening, you’re thrown into some old behavior pattern and are being jerked around by them. You may feel like you just want to quit thinking about them or like you want out of the situation. Escape becomes your focus.

Your day no longer feels so good. Once you have severed your contact with the thought or person, you struggle to let go of it. Maybe you vent, tune out with sleep or TV, or eat or drink to avoid having to deal with the negative energy that’s left behind.

The reason that you are sucked dry by the energy vampires in your life is because you’re not present to yourself. When you’re with them or thinking about them, you’re caught up in their story, or in your self-sabotaging fantasy of ‘shoulds’, ‘shouldn’ts’ and ‘if onlys’. (“They shouldn’t complain about all of this if they don’t want to do anything to change it.” Or, “They should recognize that the gambling/alcohol/shopping is running and ruining their life and get some help.” Or, “If only I had handled them or the situation differently.”)

You think that being in their story or in your fantasy about the way things ‘should be’ or ‘could be’ keeps you safe or provides you with a way through it. The truth is, it opens you up for harm because nobody’s at your house taking care of your stuff when you’re in somebody else’s business or wrapped up in your fantasy about the situation. And dwelling in the ‘shoulds’, ‘coulds’ and ‘if onlys’ keeps you mired in the problem. So then it happens: You feel like you’re no longer in control of yourself and you’re jerked around by what they say and do, and left feeling drained in the process.

Oddly enough, the thing you need to do to take care of yourself in this situation is the exact thing that most of us avoid: Be aware of your own feelings. Be present to your emotions and just observe them. You don’t need to try to change or control your emotions, or react to them. Name them. (Do you feel happy, sad, mad or scared?) Notice how intense they are. Locate where you’re feeling them in your body. Breathe and direct your breath to that part of your body.

Then be present and aware when a new emotion such as helplessness or anxiety shows up. Observe it. Name it and locate it in your body. Simply be with it without trying to change it. Notice how intense it is. Breathe and direct your breath to the area of your body where you’re feeling the emotion. Repeat.

It’s certainly a new way of being for most of us. It takes consistent awareness. Rest assured that when you try it, you’ll frequently fall back into your previous behavior patterns. The thing that’s important though is that you continue to practice, and you trust the process and apply it to yourself over and over again. It’s that journey that matters, not whether or not you ‘succeed’ at applying it in every situation, but whether or not you keep trying and remember to be aware.

You can read about or study being present all that you want, but without practicing it, it will do you little or no good. That’s like having only ever read about how to swim and then expecting to be able to do so successfully the first time that you jump into the deep end of the pool. Like swimming, being present or aware takes action or practice on your part first in order to be successful with it.

The beauty of living and applying this process of awareness and presence is that then it doesn’t matter what somebody else does or doesn’t do, you are still okay. You’re no longer sucked dry or overwhelmed with negative emotion. Because you attended to the one thing you have any control over anyway, yourself, you end up feeling capable, happy and at peace.

The way it works is that the other person continues to show up the way that they always have. Their behavior or the situation is the same as always, BUT YOU HAVE CHANGED. It’s as if you’re magically on an island of peace amidst the chaos. It’s beautiful and your own presence with and to yourself is what shields you from their raging tempest and keeps you from being sucked into it yourself and drowning in their misery.

Call to Action: The question that remains then is, “Are you up for the challenge?” Are you ready and willing to practice being present to yourself and your own emotions instead of racing off and trying to tend to someone else on a regular basis? I promise you that practicing this self-focused behavior will result in you experiencing more peace.

Remember: The peace is always there and always available, you’re just not present to it. You become present to it by being aware of your own emotions. You cannot do that if you’re micromanaging somebody else or in their business. You’re either in your own body, observing your own emotions and taking care of yourself, or you’re not.

Change Your Focus to Change Your Life

This month for one of the monthly book discussion groups I offer, we read You Can Have It All by Arnold Patent. In the book, Patent describes Universal Principles, “basic laws that explain how the Universe works”, whether we happen to be aware of and believe in them or not. One of the Universal Principles he covers is that what you focus on expands. I wholeheartedly believe in this principle. And it is for that reason that I encourage my clients to look at how they can be braver instead of less fearful, or bring more acceptance into their lives instead of avoiding judging.

Although avoiding judgment, for example, sounds like a good thing on the surface, it’s really a recipe to bring more judgment into your life ~ to become even more judgmental of both yourself and others. The reason for this is that when you’re focusing on avoiding judgment, judgment becomes what you’re watching for, and you see what you look for. It puts your focus on the thing you claim not to want ~ in this case, judgment.

Similarly, when you look for what’s wrong, that guarantees that you’ll find it. Happily, the converse is also true: When you look for what’s right, you’ll be sure to find it. Looking for acceptance? Found. The moment you open to looking for or to seeing something, it becomes available to you.

The thing is, it was always there already. You were simply closed off to its presence, unable to see it or tuning it out. An easy example at this time of year is that you may not notice all of the bushes, trees and flowers in bloom despite their presence, until you decide to look for them or pay attention to that detail of your environment. But the blooms were there regardless of whether or not you noticed them and will continue to be there regardless.

So, applying this principle of what you focus on expands can help you to change your focus from getting out of debt to celebrating your abundance. You already have abundance in your life. This doesn’t take lying or falsification on your part. You are reading this. You have eyes that see, an understanding of written English, access to a computer, leisure time … The list goes on. Recognizing this abundance simply takes a willingness or openness to seeing that you already have abundance.

You needn’t manipulate the facts. Just be willing to see things from a bird’s eye view instead of an ant’s view. Rise above your situation or your story about how your life should be, step outside of it, heighten your awareness and you’ll see that everything that you’re searching for, you already have or are.

Do you trust that this is true? If not, are you willing to trust that it is true? Willingness and openness to seeing things differently are all that are required to turn a ‘crummy’ situation into a ‘beautiful’ one. But don’t take my word for it. Try it yourself. Rather than being locked into your beliefs (which you made up and/or bought into), open to seeing things in new ways. Therein lies real peace, love, joy and abundance.

Namaste,

Jill

More Smiles ~ April 2009

Who’s in Control of Your Life?

Many of us go through life thinking and believing that we have to do certain things. Whether we recognize it or not, this type of thinking results in us being a victim. Victims might say, “I don’t have any choice,” “It’s not my fault,” or “They made me!” They often sound whiny and feel resigned to their fate. Victims believe that they don’t have much or any control and their focus tends to be outside of themselves, on others.

Don’t get me wrong, we all go there sometimes. At some point in our lives we feel and act like victims. It’s just that for some people, the victim perspective is how they see many or most of the events in their lives.

To me, the opposite of being a victim is being empowered. Empowered people understand that their lives are a series of choices. They might say things like, “I decided to do this,” “I’m responsible for how I see and react to this situation,” or “I didn’t want to do it, so I said ‘no’.” They often sound clear and feel in control of their lives. Their focus tends to be on themselves and on what they can and will do to make their lives even better.

Just as with victimhood, we all have moments where we’re empowered or very clear about who we are and what we want. It’s simply that for some people, being empowered is how they approach most or nearly all of the events of their lives.

To be clear, neither victimhood nor empowerment is better or worse than the other. Rather, empowerment usually leaves us feeling more at peace than victimhood.

Since I’m all about helping my clients feel more peaceful, I’m constantly encouraging them to pay attention to when they feel bad and whether or not they’re being a victim. The reason for this is that the first step in changing any pattern or behavior is always awareness. Once they’re aware of what they’re doing, they can choose to change it if they want to. If they’re unaware of what they’re doing, they stay stuck in victim mode, feel helpless and out of control, and are unable to break the cycle.

So, I believe that being a victim or empowered is a choice. It's a learned response that is often made unconsciously. And, while it’s true that we don’t get to control or choose lots of the events of our lives, we always choose how we react to them. Nobody else is inside our heads telling us how to respond or what to think, say or do given whatever just happened. It’s just us.

So, who’s in control of your life? You are! The question is, “Do you realize that you’re the one calling the shots in your life?”

Call to action: Where do you fall on the victim/empowered spectrum? If you’re a ‘glass is half empty’ kind of person who generally feels like somebody else is in control of your life, you’re probably mostly in victim mode. Recognizing that isn’t a bad thing though. On the contrary, it’s excellent because first you have to know where you are in order to get where you want to be.

Remember: Whether or not you feel dissatisfied with your life and spend much of your time in victim mode is within your control. If you’d like assistance noticing the patterns that are driving your life, contact me about being coached. Together we will work to see you gently and lovingly change those patterns that aren't bringing you more peace. And, the first coaching session is always complimentary so you have nothing to lose.

How Good Can You Take It?

Over and over again, I need to realize that the ball never leaves my court. The question never is, “Will they still love me and accept me when they know this thing about me?” Instead, the questions are, “What might be available to me if I could still love and accept myself knowing this ‘horrible’ thing about myself? What do I need to do in order to love myself that much? And, can I take life that good?”

My experience has been that I’m constantly looking for this type of unconditional love and approval outside of myself. The ‘problem’ with this is that the issue really has nothing to do with anyone or anything outside of me, despite having been taught all of my life that it does. I was taught that one day I’d find my one true love, or soul mate, and then live a peaceful and joy filled life.

That’s the fantasy anyway. I’d find unconditional love, acceptance, trust and approval from this significant other instead of seeking it and finding it within myself. That can never work though. I can’t control anyone except myself. I’m doomed to not get from somebody else exactly what I want and need precisely when I want it and need it for so many different reasons.

Oftentimes I don’t even take the time to determine for myself what I want or need. How then could I possibly communicate it to somebody else so that they could provide me with it? What tends to happen is that I expect them to read my mind and magically meet my needs. Then when they fail to do this, I get angry and upset. It’s all so crazy! It makes perfect sense though why I’d then move through life feeling incomplete and unfulfilled.

Really, whatever I’m looking for outside of myself and hoping or expecting to get from somebody else, only has to do with me. It’s an issue of whether or not I’m willing to love myself unconditionally and accept all of myself wholeheartedly. What I’ve arrived at after years of being coached and taking my own steps toward personal growth is that I am willing to do both of those things for myself.

The question then becomes, “Are you willing to do so for yourself?” Do you see how this isn’t about getting what you need from somebody else? Do you get that it’s not about comparing yourself or your life to anyone else’s? Do you understand that it’s not even about you comparing yourself to some personal, internal and often unconscious standard?

What we’re talking about here is loving yourself. Unconditionally. Exactly as you are in this moment.

You are perfect. Always. You may not always express yourself or show up in ways that you believe are perfect. However, that does not negate and can never negate your inherent perfection.

So can you handle the peace, beauty and joy of loving yourself like this? How good can you take it?

Call to Action: According to the author, don Miguel Ruiz, once you see that everything that you’re worrying about regarding others actually has only to do with you, you’ve opened the emotional wound with this truth. Next is the time for forgiveness. Who do you need to forgive? What step do you need to take to start the forgiveness process? Are you willing to do so? Finally, after truth and forgiveness, you are ready to speed your healing by applying generous amounts of self-love. What would self-love look like in this instance?

Remember: You are the only one that can ever do anything in your life to change it. As I’ve said before, nobody else is coming. Only you can give yourself the unconditional love, acceptance, trust and approval that you so crave. Are you willing to try? That’s all that you can ever ask of yourself, to try.

Enjoying the Moment

What are you listening to ~ the voice of fear or the voice of love?

I’d maintain that for most of us fear’s the default. It’s the little voice running 24/7 in most of our heads (except perhaps while we sleep or meditate).

Fear is outspoken. It’s very vocal and unafraid to speak its mind.

Love is patient. It waits to be asked its opinion.

Unless we consciously stop, suggest fear takes a rest for awhile, ask love what it has to say and then heed love’s advice, the chances are good that most of our actions are based or birthed out of fear.

So what? Why is that a problem? When our actions are based out of fear, we don’t trust that we’re provided for. We struggle, push, pull and manipulate to get what we think we need and can’t live without. It’s uncomfortable.

When our actions are based out of love, we know that we’re always provided for. Things seem to flow for us or to fall naturally into place. It feels beautiful and right somehow.

What can you do? Start paying attention to what the voice in your head is telling you. Is it trying to scare you into action by saying things like, “If you don’t go exercise, you’re going to get fat(ter)!” “You better watch your spending more closely with our current economy! Do you want to end up out on the streets?”

Is that advice to take care of yourself sound? Certainly. That’s not the issue. The issue is where it’s birthed from ~ fear.

Love might sound more like, “You know how great you feel emotionally each time you workout. So, let’s do it!” “You feel proud when you keep your word to yourself and save some money each pay period. How much are you going to pay yourself first today?”

What difference does it make where it’s birthed from if they both get you to exercise and save more money? Fear is a ‘have to’ or a ‘should’. Love is a ‘want to’, ‘choose to’, ‘get to’ or a ‘like to’. Which would you rather have your days full of ~ ‘have to’ and beating yourself up when you don’t follow through, or ‘get to’ and celebrating when you joyfully take the actions?

We only have today, this moment actually. What are you engaged in ~ a ‘should’/fear based action or a ‘want to’/love based action? What’s it going to take for you to shift so that you can start enjoying the only thing you have, this moment?