Connected ~ August 2011

His Comment Made Me Angry Until I Learned the Truth

When I was about 12 years old, I overheard a guy in his late teens tell one of my friends that I had a “big butt”. I felt angry, sad and ashamed because of his comment. Or so I thought and believed.

The truth is that there was one more step nestled between his comment and my feelings. That step included my beliefs that it’s mean to say something unflattering about somebody, that “big butts” are unattractive and that he was right that I did have a “big butt”. Without those beliefs on my part, his comment might have just rolled right off of me instead of affecting my self-esteem for many years to come. In fact, if I had believed that “big butts” were desirable, I would have probably taken his comment as a compliment and felt happy and proud of myself!

So he didn’t create my feelings of anger, sadness and shame. Instead, my feelings were created by my thoughts and beliefs about his comment. Knowing and understanding all of that is liberating and empowering.

I control how I feel.

Your words and actions don’t create other people’s feelings. People create their own feelings based on their thoughts and beliefs.

The belief that what you say or do creates other people’s feelings is not only false, but also debilitating.

When you believe that your words and actions create other people’s feelings, it can keep you from being yourself out of fear of hurting somebody else’s feelings. So in an effort to keep from hurting someone else, you alter who are in subtle and not so subtle ways.

I maintain that this self-censoring, these alterations, can result in your authentic self being unknown, even by you. And this lack of being known can cause you to feel unfulfilled somehow or like you aren’t whole.

That’s why I believe that if you want to feel whole and fulfilled, it’s critical to remember the truth: Your thoughts, words and actions do not create other people’s feelings and theirs don’t create yours.

Until about five years ago, I was unaware of that extra step between that guy’s comment and my feelings. I believed that what other people felt, thought, said and did caused my feelings and I theirs.

Now that I know that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings, I’m much more likely to lovingly share my truth. This shows up as me sharing my preference when asked where I’d like to go out to eat or what movie I’d like to go and see. It also shows up in things like choosing to spend time with other people only when I want to as opposed to when I think I’m “supposed to” or I “should”.

Living this way puts me in greater integrity with myself. It’s that integrity, living in alignment with myself, that causes me to feel whole and fulfilled, and hence more peaceful and happy.

So I encourage you to notice the next time that you think or say, “They made me angry, sad, happy, afraid or some other emotion.” Is it true? What thought/s do you have nestled between what they felt, thought, said or did and your feelings? Can you see that it’s not somebody else’s words or actions that cause your peace and joy, that it’s actually your beliefs that create your peace and joy?

It’s not what’s happening out in the world around you that determines how you feel. It’s what’s happening within you, your thoughts and beliefs, that creates your emotions.

Connected ~ July 2011

Love

I believe that to look for love outside of yourself, hope for it, pray for it and calculate to get it is as foreign a concept as a fish in water being thirsty. The fish in the water isn’t thirsty because it’s swimming in water, comprised of water and has water flowing through it. Just as you’re swimming in love, comprised of love and have love flowing through you.

It’s impossible to not be loved because love is what you are. Yet many of us wander through life basically asking, “Excuse me, will you love me? Will you? I’ll jump through whatever hoops you devise, and become whoever and whatever you say I must if only you’ll love me.”

Every thought, belief, feeling, place, event and person is comprised of love regardless of how it looks or seems. You are love. He is love. She is love. We are love. It is love. They are love.

And that love is infinite. Love flows in an unending stream from everyone and everything, to everyone and everything, and through everyone and everything. There’s only one thing and it’s love.

That’s why there are no enemies and everyone is on your side. There is now, always has been and always will be only love. Your partner is leaving to start a new life? Love. Your job is going away? Love. You live in fear that you’re not enough, unlovable, bad or wrong? Love again.

It’s all love.

So take the time to rise above whatever situation is causing you grief right now and to find the love in it. I assure you that it’s there.

What if...

What if you quit making everybody wrong, even yourself?

What if instead, you made or believed that everybody was right, even yourself? Because that’s the truth: Everybody is right.

It’s impossible for you or anybody else to do anything wrong, because everything is for your highest good. When you operate, live and see the world from this perspective, deep peace is invited into your life.

Connected ~ April 2011

Life Experiences

The events of life are never meant to tear you down. Everything that happens is for your benefit. It's all in service to you, designed to propel you forward, to help you embrace life and exclaim, "Yes! Thank you!"

If the only conclusion you draw from a life experience is a negative one, I believe that you've missed the point, because experiences are always positive, supportive and empowering. The Universe, God, Love, or Spirit never works against you.

Everyone and everything is on your side to help you be happy, wise and fulfilled.

If all it took in order to be happy, wise and fulfilled was the experiences themselves, then the older anyone got, the happier, wiser and more fulfilled they'd be. But that's not the case. It takes more than simply amassing experiences to live life well. It takes moments of quiet reflection on how everything you've experienced has benefited you.

Without such reflection, life lacks depth and meaning: It's superficial. And the world can seem like a hostile place.

Through individual life coaching, I help you to reflect on the events of your life and to uncover new possibilities regarding those events, to know your Self. Contact me to experience the gift of coaching and to start embracing all of life.

Blessings,

Jill

The Life of Love

The Buddha pointed out that, "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened."

Similarly, sharing the love that wells up from within you will not diminish the strength or quantity of your love. In fact, I'd maintain that sharing your love does the opposite ~ it amplifies it within you.

So I encourage you to be the love you wish to see in the world.

What do you choose?

Namaste,

Jill

Connected ~ January 2011

Where Responsibility Ends

One of the things that I teach, and practice in my own life, is responsibility. It's a very empowering state of being. For me, responsibility is the opposite of victimhood. It means owning that you and you alone are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions.

It's possible to unwittingly go the other way with responsibility though. It's possible to start blaming yourself for things that were not your doing. This often happens regarding alcohol and other drug addictions of loved ones, being raped or verbally or physically abused, the death of a loved one, or having loved ones who don't seem to act in their own highest good.

Claiming responsibility for things such as those is actually disempowering and irresponsible. It assigns blame where there's none to be found. You do not cause somebody else's actions. You never have and you never will. Yes, you can influence or affect what others do, but that's it. The addict, rapist, abuser, deceased or self-sabotaging individual acted on their own. You can't prevent their behavior just as you can't take aspirin to make their headache go away.

One of the most self-loving, empowering and responsible things you can do then, is to release your guilt over all the things that are not directly within your control. Forgive yourself for owning somebody else's behavior as your own, as your fault. Then forgive yourself for all of your shame-filled thoughts, words and actions, those things that are actually within your control. Then forgive others for theirs.

There's a very straightforward exercise that can help with all of this forgiveness. Simply take out a piece of paper and write until you can readily think of nothing else to put down, "I forgive myself for ____." Start every sentence with those words and each time fill in the blank with something new. No thought, word or action is either too significant or too insignificant to be forgiven.

May you dwell in peace,

Jill

Control Issues

You're not bad or wrong to want to try to control things. We all do it to some degree or another. What I've found is that trying to control things is an attempt to feel safe.

It becomes problematic when the things you're trying to control are outside of your control. So basically, anytime that you're trying to manage the environment, situations or other people you're out of luck. They're totally outside of your power. While you can do things to influence everything else, it's very draining, exhausting even.

I've said it before and I'm sure that I'll say it again (being a self-proclaimed control freak): The only thing you can control is yourself. And you already know how difficult or even impossible that can seem at times! Like when you've resolved to eat more whole foods and find yourself reaching for chocolate cake to comfort yourself yet again...

What can you do short of running around trying to micromanage the rest of the Universe and policing your every thought, word and action? I invite you to try bringing love, gentleness, compassion and nurturing to that part of yourself that feels threatened and afraid.

Simply recognizing that you feel threatened and afraid is a huge first step. Then you can bring that love, gentleness, compassion and nurturing into play. Ask yourself what you'd like, what you can do in this moment in order to feel safer. Then give it to yourself just as you would a small frightened child.

So the next time that you find yourself trying to control the uncontrollable, use that as an indicator that you're feeling threatened or afraid. Then stop and ask yourself what you're afraid of. Taking action based on your actual fear is dealing with the cause instead of the symptom, and it tends to be more effective.