One day last week when I was thinking about heading out for a jog, I didn't want to go. I had all sorts of reasons why I didn't want to go. It was cold out. The roads were slick. That type of stuff. As I was thinking that, one thing that I realized is that some part of me thought I had to go. Believing that I had to do it turned it from fun into work. Fun isn't something you have to do. Work is. But the truth was I wanted to go. It empowers me to jog. I feel good about myself. I like to be outdoors. I love the sunshine. And I feel really good when I'm done.
When I recognized that I didn't have to go but wanted to go, and gave myself permission not to go if I really didn't want to, I went. Happily. And had fun. Yes, it was cold and icy out. And yes I loved being outside in the sunshine as well as how I felt when I was done.
This all gets back to my belief that if I'm told to do something, especially by an authority figure like a boss, parent or police officer, that means that I have to do it. In my mind they are synonymous. Yet that thought isn't true. Just because somebody tells me to do something doesn't mean that I have to, even if it is an authority figure. I always have a choice in everything. When I ignore that and start believing that there are things I have to do, I get angry and resentful. I resist. Fun flies out the window.
What's interesting is that it's never true that there's something I have to do. You might say, "Well Jill, you have to eat and drink or you'll die." True, without food and water I will die, but that doesn't mean that I have to eat and drink. I am always free to choose death (or prison, or homelessness or whatever other consequence may come from my actions or inactions). That is an empowering understanding. I never have to do anything. Everything is my choice.
So the next time you notice that you feel anxious, annoyed or overwhelmed by all the things you have to do, stop and ask yourself if it's true that you have to do them. You're never wrong for how you feel, but your belief that you have to do something may be sabotaging you. When you own that you choose to do all you do, you are in a much more powerful place. No longer are you a victim. Instead you are the creator of your life. You understand that you really are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul as William Ernest Henley said in Invictus.
How would you rather live your life, as a victim being told what to do or as an empowered creator consciously choosing your actions? The choice is yours.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
More Smiles ~ December 2009
Learning to Love Yourself
Something that all of us engage in at some time or other and are usually unaware of is projection. The way that it works is that you dump your own self-dislike onto others and experience it as, "They're wrong! They've done wrong!"
For example, maybe you can't stand your selfishness. You then see or hear somebody else being selfish and get extremely angry or hurt by it. The truth is that this is really an example of projection and it provides an excellent opportunity for you to notice your intense reaction, question what quality or characteristic is bothering you, and then take action to deal with it in yourself.
Projection has a huge cost in your life. It blocks you from personal responsibility, self-love, and growth. Like many other issues in your life, projection is birthed out of fear. The qualities or characteristics that you project are the ones that you are afraid to look at, be with or own in yourself. How could you possibly love yourself if you were selfish? Worse yet, how could anybody else possibly love you if you were selfish? So you hide that aspect of yourself, and run around noticing it and pointing it out in other people.
The solution is to quit being a victim and using others as your scapegoat, heaping your dislike and blame onto them instead of bringing love to those unwanted parts of yourself. The solution is to own your projections. You do this by recognizing when you're projecting and then uncovering and accepting that unwanted aspect within yourself. You know you're projecting when your response is more intense than the situation would seem to warrant. If you're simply informed by whatever is going on, you're not projecting. But when you go from feeling peaceful to extremely agitated in a heartbeat, notice it. You're projecting.
To figure out what quality or characteristic you're projecting, you only need to take a quiet moment to ask yourself what it is about the situation that has you upset. Once you know that, you're able to choose to bring unconditional love and acceptance to that part of yourself. When you're willing to bring that kind of compassion to yourself, you can then open to sharing that compassion with others. This is because you're no longer triggered by the previously unwanted aspect or characteristic in them. Now you're simply informed.
A common pitfall is to maintain that your intense reaction is justified and that it really is all about how wrong the other person is. When you're in that place, you're closed off to reality and to your own growth and evolution. The whole reason the situation exists is to help you expand into the love that you long to express more fully. Being willing to consider that you may really be feeling unhappy about something within yourself opens you to the possibility of greater self-love and growth.
I recently experienced projection concerning what is happening with Tiger Woods. The media has had a heyday with his infidelity. I noticed that I felt irrationally annoyed by all of this. I mean, yes he had made mistakes, but my take on it was that he and his family were in pain and were being kicked while they were down. It wasn't like each one of us hadn't made mistakes or done things that we'd later regretted. It was unkind to throw salt in his wounds.
Since I could go on and on about this, I was clearly triggered. I wasn't simply informed by it. When I got quiet and asked myself what part of the situation had me so upset the answer was immediate: They were being cruel. The question then became, "Am I willing to own that I am also cruel and to then bring unconditional love and acceptance to that cruel part of myself?" When I could do that, then I could live with the media's treatment of Tiger with greater ease. I was just informed by their words and actions and could accept them even while they were acting unkindly.
So, the truth is that when you can't stand a quality or aspect in somebody else, you're projecting. You really dislike that same aspect in yourself. You can continue to evolve and grow by recognizing this truth and bringing unconditional love and acceptance to that aspect. But, are you willing to do so? Are you willing to do whatever it would take to come to love and accept all of yourself?
It's not easy to do. It takes presence, willingness and courage. It takes a lot more courage to recognize and admit that there are parts of yourself that you don't like than it does to jump on the bandwagon and condemn others for their imperfections when you yourself are also imperfect, have also made mistakes and also simply want to experience lasting love, peace and joy.
Without this willingness to accept all aspects of yourself, you halt your evolution into the expression of the love that you are. You block yourself from experiencing your life's purpose - lasting love, peace and joy.
If you'd like help bringing unconditional love and acceptance to your projections, contact me. The first coaching session is always complimentary and you'll leave it with a plan of action to be compassionate with even the least liked parts of yourself. And when you accept something it becomes easier to change it if you so choose, because you're working with it instead of fighting against it.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
The Road to Self-Love
Many of us go through life looking primarily at other people and external events. We spend most of our time and energy focusing on what has happened outside of us. Then we feel angry, afraid or sad about it and believe that the other person or the event caused us to feel that way.
But that is untrue, because nobody is inside of us telling us what to think or feel. That type of thinking also has us missing the point. I believe that the whole point in everything that we create in our external realities is to get us to look at, heal around and accept something about ourselves. We’ll never accomplish any of that by focusing on somebody or something else.
Why do we do it then? Why do we focus on others and on events instead of ourselves? I think it’s because it feels much safer and easier to point our fingers and to tell somebody else to change than it does to look at our own perceived short-comings and love ourselves for them. Plus, many of us have never been taught how to do that, how to be with, look at and love all of ourselves. We don’t have the tools. So, we keep doing what we know, what’s familiar and comfortable because we don’t know any other way.
It doesn’t serve us though, because again, we’re missing the point. Looking inside ourselves and at our own experience of the world is our chance to grow and to express the love that we are. There’s a famous Gandhi quote to “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I’ve modified it to “Be the love you wish to see in the world.” Start with yourself. When you love and embrace all of yourself, then you can love and embrace all of others, and your life becomes more peaceful and joy-filled to boot.
So, whenever you feel any strong negative emotion toward or about somebody or something else, turn your focus around. Bring it back to yourself. Look at and explore your actual emotions, how you feel. These include things like sad, mad and scared and derivatives of those, as opposed to, “I feel like….” Whenever you’ve added the word ‘like’, stop yourself. Whatever follows isn’t a feeling.
If you notice that you feel really angry about what somebody else is doing, pay attention to where that anger shows up in your body. What’s the sensation? In other words, how do you know that it’s anger that you’re feeling and not sadness instead? Is your jaw clenched? Is there a pressure in your chest? Whatever is going on isn’t wrong. You don’t need to try to change it. Just notice it. The anger that you thought you were feeling about or because of the other person actually lives inside of your body. It’s your anger. It affects you, not them. You created it and are living with it whether you choose to recognize it or not.
What thoughts go through your head about that anger? Are you bad and wrong to feel angry? Are you supposed to love everybody no matter what they may say or do? Does it feel safe to feel angry or do you feel afraid of it? Can you safely and healthfully express your anger?
When you are noticing yourself and the emotions that you’re feeling instead of continuing to focus on the external event or person and believing that they’re the source of your emotions, you’re starting to get the point. Whatever is going on, you created it to help yourself love some unloved part of yourself. It’s not even really about the other person or the event. Understand and live that and you’re on the road to self-discovery and self-love.
More Smiles ~ December 2009
Learning to Love Yourself
Something that all of us engage in at some time or other and are usually unaware of is projection. The way that it works is that you dump your own self-dislike onto others and experience it as, "They're wrong! They've done wrong!"
For example, maybe you can't stand your selfishness. You then see or hear somebody else being selfish and get extremely angry or hurt by it. The truth is that this is really an example of projection and it provides an excellent opportunity for you to notice your intense reaction, question what quality or characteristic is bothering you, and then take action to deal with it in yourself.
Projection has a huge cost in your life. It blocks you from personal responsibility, self-love, and growth. Like many other issues in your life, projection is birthed out of fear. The qualities or characteristics that you project are the ones that you are afraid to look at, be with or own in yourself. How could you possibly love yourself if you were selfish? Worse yet, how could anybody else possibly love you if you were selfish? So you hide that aspect of yourself, and run around noticing it and pointing it out in other people.
The solution is to quit being a victim and using others as your scapegoat, heaping your dislike and blame onto them instead of bringing love to those unwanted parts of yourself. The solution is to own your projections. You do this by recognizing when you're projecting and then uncovering and accepting that unwanted aspect within yourself. You know you're projecting when your response is more intense than the situation would seem to warrant. If you're simply informed by whatever is going on, you're not projecting. But when you go from feeling peaceful to extremely agitated in a heartbeat, notice it. You're projecting.
To figure out what quality or characteristic you're projecting, you only need to take a quiet moment to ask yourself what it is about the situation that has you upset. Once you know that, you're able to choose to bring unconditional love and acceptance to that part of yourself. When you're willing to bring that kind of compassion to yourself, you can then open to sharing that compassion with others. This is because you're no longer triggered by the previously unwanted aspect or characteristic in them. Now you're simply informed.
A common pitfall is to maintain that your intense reaction is justified and that it really is all about how wrong the other person is. When you're in that place, you're closed off to reality and to your own growth and evolution. The whole reason the situation exists is to help you expand into the love that you long to express more fully. Being willing to consider that you may really be feeling unhappy about something within yourself opens you to the possibility of greater self-love and growth.
I recently experienced projection concerning what is happening with Tiger Woods. The media has had a heyday with his infidelity. I noticed that I felt irrationally annoyed by all of this. I mean, yes he had made mistakes, but my take on it was that he and his family were in pain and were being kicked while they were down. It wasn't like each one of us hadn't made mistakes or done things that we'd later regretted. It was unkind to throw salt in his wounds.
Since I could go on and on about this, I was clearly triggered. I wasn't simply informed by it. When I got quiet and asked myself what part of the situation had me so upset the answer was immediate: They were being cruel. The question then became, "Am I willing to own that I am also cruel and to then bring unconditional love and acceptance to that cruel part of myself?" When I could do that, then I could live with the media's treatment of Tiger with greater ease. I was just informed by their words and actions and could accept them even while they were acting unkindly.
So, the truth is that when you can't stand a quality or aspect in somebody else, you're projecting. You really dislike that same aspect in yourself. You can continue to evolve and grow by recognizing this truth and bringing unconditional love and acceptance to that aspect. But, are you willing to do so? Are you willing to do whatever it would take to come to love and accept all of yourself?
It's not easy to do. It takes presence, willingness and courage. It takes a lot more courage to recognize and admit that there are parts of yourself that you don't like than it does to jump on the bandwagon and condemn others for their imperfections when you yourself are also imperfect, have also made mistakes and also simply want to experience lasting love, peace and joy.
Without this willingness to accept all aspects of yourself, you halt your evolution into the expression of the love that you are. You block yourself from experiencing your life's purpose - lasting love, peace and joy.
If you'd like help bringing unconditional love and acceptance to your projections, contact me. The first coaching session is always complimentary and you'll leave it with a plan of action to be compassionate with even the least liked parts of yourself. And when you accept something it becomes easier to change it if you so choose, because you're working with it instead of fighting against it.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Only a Thought Away
How do you tend to look at things? Do you seem to focus on what's wrong instead of on what's right in yourself, everybody else and your life? If you do, you're not alone.
Many of us spend large parts of our lives looking for what's wrong. This all stems from the belief that the experience you're having is not the one you're supposed to be having and from your desire to be right. Some examples of this include thinking that you should be smarter, that somebody else should be more appreciative or do what you want, and that you should earn more money. Each one of these has you looking at what's wrong: You're not smart enough, people don't listen to you or adequately appreciate you, or you don't have enough money.
The truth is though, nothing is inherently good or bad, right or wrong or the way something should or shouldn't be. Each one of these is just a thought. The problem is that you tend to believe your thoughts without question (you believe you're right) and your thoughts generate your emotions. If you think and believe negative thoughts, then you end up creating predominantly negative emotions and are left wondering why you feel depressed. It's important to recognize that it's your thoughts, not the actual event, person or situation, that either torture you or create bliss.
The solution is to understand that your point of view or perspective of life drives your experience of it. Once you know this, you can consciously choose to look for what's right and create more positive emotions so that you feel love, peace and joy on a more regular basis. Not only does this result in you feeling better, but it also takes you out of a victim mentality in which life is happening to you and you're not responsible for all that you've created.
A useful way to shift into looking for what's right instead of what's wrong is to picture a fence. On one side there's nothing but overcast sky and an ocean of manure that gets deeper and deeper as you wade out into it until eventually you are swimming in it or treading just trying to keep your head above it all. On the other side of this fence is a beautiful meadow with flowers, abundant sunshine, a clear stream, butterflies flitting about, birds singing and a forest and mountains in the distance.
The fence represents your choice. The side with the manure is where you reside when you're looking primarily for what's wrong. The side with the meadow is where you reside when you're looking primarily for what's right.
Let's look at a specific example, holidays. What's wrong with holidays? On the 'wrong' side of the fence, holidays take too much time, money and effort. They're work or a headache. What emotions do you notice in your body when you believe these things? These thoughts produce emotions like anger, frustration, overwhelm and fear. These are emotions that most of us claim we don't want to feel for prolonged periods.
What's right with the holidays? On the 'right' side of the fence, holidays involve fun decorations, seeing family and friends and sharing gifts. They bring people together. What emotions do you notice in your body when you believe these things? These thoughts also produce certain emotions. Only notice that this time the emotions are more like excitement, joy, gratitude and love, emotions that most of us maintain we'd like to experience more of.
Viewing everything in life from the perspective of this fence of choice and then recognizing how each thought or belief makes you feel, allows you to clearly see that you get to choose your experience of life. The question is would you rather be right that everything is horrible and this isn't the experience you're supposed to be having, or would you rather be happy? Which are you more committed to? The way you feel on a day to day basis will clearly tell you whether you spend most of your time trying to be right and swimming in the manure as a result, or choosing to be happy and enjoying the meadow and all it offers.
Sometimes you just need to wallow in the manure. When you do, give yourself permission to do so and to enjoy it while you're there. That's fine. We all feel every emotion at one time or another. I'm not suggesting you should have a Pollyanna view of life. I am recommending that you understand that it is your choice where you decide to hang out and spend the majority of your time.
The way that you feel about every person, situation, experience and thing in your life is your choice. You are not a victim. You choose your feelings based on the thoughts you have consciously or unconsciously decided to believe and hang onto. Nobody else is making you think and believe what you do, which also means that nobody else is creating your feelings about your life. You are totally responsible for your experience of life.
Call to Action: Notice how you generally feel. Which side of the fence have your thoughts landed you on? If you tend to spend most of your time in the manure, are you willing to consider what may be right about all that you've been making wrong? What action could you take to support you in this shift?
Remember: Gratitude, peace, freedom, pride, clarity, support, acceptance, safety, joy, trust and love are only a thought away.
Contact me for a complimentary coaching session in which you can experience firsthand the creative force that you are as well as new possibilities for your life.
Many of us spend large parts of our lives looking for what's wrong. This all stems from the belief that the experience you're having is not the one you're supposed to be having and from your desire to be right. Some examples of this include thinking that you should be smarter, that somebody else should be more appreciative or do what you want, and that you should earn more money. Each one of these has you looking at what's wrong: You're not smart enough, people don't listen to you or adequately appreciate you, or you don't have enough money.
The truth is though, nothing is inherently good or bad, right or wrong or the way something should or shouldn't be. Each one of these is just a thought. The problem is that you tend to believe your thoughts without question (you believe you're right) and your thoughts generate your emotions. If you think and believe negative thoughts, then you end up creating predominantly negative emotions and are left wondering why you feel depressed. It's important to recognize that it's your thoughts, not the actual event, person or situation, that either torture you or create bliss.
The solution is to understand that your point of view or perspective of life drives your experience of it. Once you know this, you can consciously choose to look for what's right and create more positive emotions so that you feel love, peace and joy on a more regular basis. Not only does this result in you feeling better, but it also takes you out of a victim mentality in which life is happening to you and you're not responsible for all that you've created.
A useful way to shift into looking for what's right instead of what's wrong is to picture a fence. On one side there's nothing but overcast sky and an ocean of manure that gets deeper and deeper as you wade out into it until eventually you are swimming in it or treading just trying to keep your head above it all. On the other side of this fence is a beautiful meadow with flowers, abundant sunshine, a clear stream, butterflies flitting about, birds singing and a forest and mountains in the distance.
The fence represents your choice. The side with the manure is where you reside when you're looking primarily for what's wrong. The side with the meadow is where you reside when you're looking primarily for what's right.
Let's look at a specific example, holidays. What's wrong with holidays? On the 'wrong' side of the fence, holidays take too much time, money and effort. They're work or a headache. What emotions do you notice in your body when you believe these things? These thoughts produce emotions like anger, frustration, overwhelm and fear. These are emotions that most of us claim we don't want to feel for prolonged periods.
What's right with the holidays? On the 'right' side of the fence, holidays involve fun decorations, seeing family and friends and sharing gifts. They bring people together. What emotions do you notice in your body when you believe these things? These thoughts also produce certain emotions. Only notice that this time the emotions are more like excitement, joy, gratitude and love, emotions that most of us maintain we'd like to experience more of.
Viewing everything in life from the perspective of this fence of choice and then recognizing how each thought or belief makes you feel, allows you to clearly see that you get to choose your experience of life. The question is would you rather be right that everything is horrible and this isn't the experience you're supposed to be having, or would you rather be happy? Which are you more committed to? The way you feel on a day to day basis will clearly tell you whether you spend most of your time trying to be right and swimming in the manure as a result, or choosing to be happy and enjoying the meadow and all it offers.
Sometimes you just need to wallow in the manure. When you do, give yourself permission to do so and to enjoy it while you're there. That's fine. We all feel every emotion at one time or another. I'm not suggesting you should have a Pollyanna view of life. I am recommending that you understand that it is your choice where you decide to hang out and spend the majority of your time.
The way that you feel about every person, situation, experience and thing in your life is your choice. You are not a victim. You choose your feelings based on the thoughts you have consciously or unconsciously decided to believe and hang onto. Nobody else is making you think and believe what you do, which also means that nobody else is creating your feelings about your life. You are totally responsible for your experience of life.
Call to Action: Notice how you generally feel. Which side of the fence have your thoughts landed you on? If you tend to spend most of your time in the manure, are you willing to consider what may be right about all that you've been making wrong? What action could you take to support you in this shift?
Remember: Gratitude, peace, freedom, pride, clarity, support, acceptance, safety, joy, trust and love are only a thought away.
Contact me for a complimentary coaching session in which you can experience firsthand the creative force that you are as well as new possibilities for your life.
More Smiles ~ November 2009
The Illusion of Control
Albert Einstein said, "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." My life's focus and what I explore with my clients is accessing, hearing and heeding the intuitive voice that resides within each of us so that it can direct the course of our lives. Like me, everybody that I know was taught to come from their intellect or head and to figure things out. Operating from the intuitive voice requires that we come from our hearts or inner wisdom instead of our heads.
The question is, "But why bother? Why not continue to allow our intellects to direct our lives?" The reason is that heeding only the intellect results in us trying to control that which can't be controlled, the things that happen in our lives. We are not now, nor will we ever be in control of everything that happens in our lives. In fact it is futile to attempt to control our lives. There are too many people, too many circumstances and too many variables for us to ever be able to control them all.
The solution to this dilemma is to give up the illusion, the belief that we have control. Trust that everything happens for our highest good, that nothing is inherently good or bad or right or wrong, and that we are constantly led and supported by the intuitive voice if we'll only listen to and heed it.
It all reminds me of a trip we took to Copper Canyon in Mexico a few years ago. On that trip, we went for a day long mule ride through the canyon. There were guides with us, one leading and one following. At one point late in the day, three of us fell behind the rear guide. We plodded along in the same direction we had been heading until there was a fork in the path.
Suddenly we didn't know which way to go. The area was unfamiliar to us and we didn't have a map. We stopped and tried to figure it out using landmarks. Eventually, we decided that the left fork was the proper way. We prodded the mules to go that direction, but they wouldn't budge. I tried to lead a mule that way. Still it resisted.
About this time, the rear guide came back down the right hand fork of the trail to find us. Using our intellects, we had chosen the wrong path. All along the mules had known the shortest and most direct way back.
Interestingly, it had never dawned on any of us to let the mules have their reigns and lead us back. We didn't consider that they knew the way and that if we'd only quit trying to figure it out and control things, they'd take us. (Naturally in hindsight, it makes perfect sense.)
To me, the moral of the story is to quit trying to control and micromanage all aspects of my life. Stop coming from my head and the belief that I have control. Instead, trust that my inner wisdom has the map and let go of the reins.
Albert Einstein said, "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." My life's focus and what I explore with my clients is accessing, hearing and heeding the intuitive voice that resides within each of us so that it can direct the course of our lives. Like me, everybody that I know was taught to come from their intellect or head and to figure things out. Operating from the intuitive voice requires that we come from our hearts or inner wisdom instead of our heads.
The question is, "But why bother? Why not continue to allow our intellects to direct our lives?" The reason is that heeding only the intellect results in us trying to control that which can't be controlled, the things that happen in our lives. We are not now, nor will we ever be in control of everything that happens in our lives. In fact it is futile to attempt to control our lives. There are too many people, too many circumstances and too many variables for us to ever be able to control them all.
The solution to this dilemma is to give up the illusion, the belief that we have control. Trust that everything happens for our highest good, that nothing is inherently good or bad or right or wrong, and that we are constantly led and supported by the intuitive voice if we'll only listen to and heed it.
It all reminds me of a trip we took to Copper Canyon in Mexico a few years ago. On that trip, we went for a day long mule ride through the canyon. There were guides with us, one leading and one following. At one point late in the day, three of us fell behind the rear guide. We plodded along in the same direction we had been heading until there was a fork in the path.
Suddenly we didn't know which way to go. The area was unfamiliar to us and we didn't have a map. We stopped and tried to figure it out using landmarks. Eventually, we decided that the left fork was the proper way. We prodded the mules to go that direction, but they wouldn't budge. I tried to lead a mule that way. Still it resisted.
About this time, the rear guide came back down the right hand fork of the trail to find us. Using our intellects, we had chosen the wrong path. All along the mules had known the shortest and most direct way back.
Interestingly, it had never dawned on any of us to let the mules have their reigns and lead us back. We didn't consider that they knew the way and that if we'd only quit trying to figure it out and control things, they'd take us. (Naturally in hindsight, it makes perfect sense.)
To me, the moral of the story is to quit trying to control and micromanage all aspects of my life. Stop coming from my head and the belief that I have control. Instead, trust that my inner wisdom has the map and let go of the reins.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
More Smiles ~ September 2009
What Holes Are in Your Sidewalk?
There's a fabulous poem in the book There's a hole in my sidewalk by Portia Nelson. Here's the poem:
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.
We all have holes in our sidewalks. They are the things that we repeatedly think, say and do that hold us back. One hole that many of us fall into is believing that our problems are caused by other people. When we have this belief, we then go about trying to fix or change others in order to be happy.
But other people aren't the problem. They aren't the hole in the sidewalk. Other people are the symptom. The problem, or hole, is what we think and believe. Our problem is that we believe that the thoughts, words and actions of others keep us from being happy. We believe that other people are responsible for how we feel. As long as we believe this, we only deal with the symptoms of our problems. We think that if somebody else changes, then we'll be happy.
So the real problem that most of us experience is that we believe we need to try to control and change the people around us in order to be happy. I'd be happy if he'd return my calls, she'd just apologize or he'd pick up after himself!
Not only is that all misdirected and untrue, it's futile. We can't possibly control or change our partners, spouses, bosses, parents, siblings, coworkers, friends, acquaintances or children.
There is only one person we can control or change, ourselves.
Someone I love dearly is an alcoholic. My problem isn't that they're an alcoholic. My problem is that I think they shouldn't be and that I'd be happy if they'd quit drinking. My problem is my perception, my thought, about their drinking.
That belief drives me to judge them and their drinking as bad and wrong. It keeps my focus off of myself, off of the problem, and on them, on the symptom. It keeps me powerless since I can never control them. I can influence them certainly, but never control them. In short, I'm in the hole in my sidewalk when I'm living in the hell of believing that they're wrong for what they're doing and that I'd be happy if they'd just change what they do.
For me to be happy then, I need to deal with the problem (my belief that their drinking makes me unhappy) not with the symptom (their drinking). To deal with the problem I need to:
1. Recognize that I have the belief. See the hole in my sidewalk.
2. Question the belief's validity. Understand that it's my 'fault' that I feel as I do.
3. Choose to alter my belief. Walk down another street.
Call to Action: Who or what are you blaming for how you feel? What would you have to be willing to change in order to experience some relief around that person or situation? What action can you take to start doing that, to begin living that change?
Remember: Your beliefs, not other people, drive your emotions. Rather than attempting to change others, debunk your beliefs in order to experience more love, peace and joy.
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