More Smiles ~ January 2008

Do you make this error in your thinking?

Do you tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel? “I shouldn’t feel so sad.” “It shouldn’t affect me any more because it happened so long ago.” “I shouldn’t feel angry about what happened.”

If you make yourself wrong for how you feel, you’re not alone. We all do it at some time in our lives. I want to point out here though that feelings are never wrong. You are always safe and right to feel whatever you feel.

Is top worse than bottom, or is to the right worse than to the left? Of course not! Why then do most of us feel that sad is worse than happy and pain is worse than pleasure? We’ve learned since we were small children to run away from, hide, or sit on the emotions that feel ‘bad’ or ‘uncomfortable’.

If you were ecstatic would you try to hide it from yourself and those you care about and who care about you? Probably not, yet most of us hide, cover up, or attempt to hold in our anger, sadness, and pain. When somebody tries to reach out to us and asks how we’re doing, we respond with ‘fine’ or ‘I’m okay’ without even checking in with ourselves to see how we’re really feeling.

Especially after experiencing a loss, we do ourselves a disservice when we fail to pay attention to and share our feelings. Honoring our feelings is what allows us to move gracefully through them. Feelings are neither good nor bad. They just are. Fear isn’t bad, and joy isn’t good. They each serve a purpose. Emotions are a lot like waves. They ebb and they flow. They crest, threaten to overwhelm us, and then recede only to return again another day.

Learning to be happier doesn’t entail ‘getting rid of’ other feelings. On the contrary, it involves loving yourself even as you experience all the other emotions, and knowing that it’s safe and right to feel whatever you feel. Learning to be happier involves knowing that you won’t be consumed by the emotions you allow yourself to feel. Instead, you recognize that those emotions are transitory, just as happiness is. They all come and go, ebb and flow.

So, denying our feelings, covering them up, attempting to hold them in, or trying to force them into submission through sheer force of will doesn’t serve us. They have to come out somewhere and at some time. Author Debbie Ford describes trying to contain a feeling as being similar to trying to hold a beach ball under water. You devote lots of energy to keeping it hidden, yet eventually and inevitably it explodes out of the water. Our emotions do the same thing. How often does the simplest thing act as a trigger for us and throw us right back into the midst of our sorrow, fear, or anger? Expressing each of our emotions as they come up for us in a healthy and loving way helps to keep them from exploding out of us like the beach ball out of the water.

What if we recognized and accepted that sad is simply the opposite of happy, that they’re both on the same continuum, and that it’s not only okay to feel both at various times in our life, but it’s expected? It’s part of our human experience to feel the full range of our emotions.

What if we could identify our feelings, be curious about them, and just sit with them rather than stuffing them down into some dark shameful place within ourselves? What if we quit making ourselves wrong for how we feel? What might be possible in our lives then? How might ‘being with’ our emotions affect us and those we’re close to? What might we then teach the children in our lives? What if it was as comfortable to ‘be with’ pain as it was to ‘be with’ pleasure?

Call to Action: This week, simply begin to notice and label your feelings. You needn’t attempt to change or to express any of them. As you get angry and feel your jaw clench or your shoulders tighten just say to yourself, “Oh anger. I feel angry.” It’s a great first step on the road to self-discovery. Be curious and enjoy the process.

Remember: There is no timeline for our feelings. They come and they go when they’re ready. If you’ve lost a loved one and are grieving two years later, you’re no more right or wrong than the person who is grieving a month later. Our feelings are never wrong.