Do You Sabotage Your Own Happiness by Trying to Please Others?
We’re taught from the time we’re young to do what it takes to please others, especially authority figures in our lives like parents, teachers and society. Don Miguel Ruiz in his book, The Four Agreements, calls it our domestication. Just like animals, we are punished when we fail to do as we’re asked or told and rewarded when we do as we’re asked or told.
As a child in particular, this conditioning serves to keep us safe as well as to teach us society’s rules. “Stay with Mommy,” or “Take Daddy’s hand as we cross the street,” potentially prevent us from getting lost or becoming injured. So, not only does adhering to the desired behavior please those around us, it also keeps us safe. Clearly then, this is a good thing.
It can become problematic though if we begin to believe that our actions are responsible for Mommy or Daddy’s happiness. When we think we control or contribute to somebody else’s well being or peace of mind we may start consciously or unconsciously trying to manage their emotions through our actions. Before we recognize what’s happened, we may be moving through our days and our lives in a constant state of low grade anxiety as we perpetually seek to do or say whatever will make those whose opinions we value happy.
At that point, what had been a self-loving action of staying safe while crossing the street as a child becomes a self-sabotaging action of people-pleasing. When we’re people-pleasing, our own needs are frequently never considered. Or even more sadly, they’re considered and then dismissed as unimportant. We believe we don’t matter. It’s irrelevant what we need to do in order to stay within our own integrity or to be authentic. The only thing that matters is the ‘greater good’.
I’m not saying that we should be narcissistic and do whatever we want, whenever we want at the expense of all others. On the contrary, I’m suggesting that “to thine own self be true”. Your truth could involve selfless hours of hard work for the benefit of your family, a friend or a charitable organization.
The difference between having something that you do that pleases somebody else be self-loving or people-pleasing (self-sabotaging) is, I believe, the motivation or intention behind your action. Are you motivated to have the whole family over to your house for the holiday meal because it invigorates you and you find it fulfilling or rewarding? Or are you having them all over because you believe you should or you must? It’s what somebody somewhere would want or tell you to do…
Contrary to what many of us, especially women, have been taught, being honest about our desires isn’t selfish behavior. This is authentic behavior. If you think, feel or mean ‘no’, you don’t say ‘yes’. Who would you rather interact with ~ the person who smiles and says they’d be glad to water your plants for you while you’re on vacation and then tells all your neighbors what a chore you are (because they really didn’t want to care for your plants), or the person who honestly replies, “I won’t be able to do that for you. Have you tried John’s son across the street? I know he’s been doing things like that to earn some spending money this summer.”
Call to Action: The next time you get ready to do something and recognize a feeling of resentment, disappointment or anger accompanying it, ask yourself what’s motivating you to take that action. Who are you trying to please? Have you asked yourself what you really want and what would be a really loving thing for you to do for yourself?
Remember: No matter how many aspirin you take, you can’t make somebody else’s headache go away. None of us can make somebody else happy. We can only make ourselves happy. One way you can make yourself happy is by showing yourself that you matter to yourself. Each time you ask yourself what you want and need in order to be self-loving and then follow through with that action you’re declaring to yourself that you are important too and do matter. As Debbie Ford says in her book, The Right Questions, “How we feel about ourselves now is a result of all the choices we have made in the past. So if you don’t like the way you feel about yourself, you have the power to change it.” Start today.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
Do You Also Fail to Trust in This Way?
Something that’s been coming up for me in my journaling, thoughts, and conversations a lot this past week or so is not knowing ‘why’. Knowing that I need to take some action in order to stay within my integrity, and not knowing ‘why’ makes me bananas! I feel like I always have to have all the answers. Then, when I don’t know ‘why’, I hesitate to take the action even if it’s my soul’s desire or what my heart craves. Instead, I sit on the fence, hemming and hawing. And let me tell you, my fence sitting is never comfortable because they’re always picket fences!
Eventually, I give in and do what my soul directs me to do in order to stay within my integrity, even though I don’t know ‘why’. I’ve recognized that my next hurdle is frequently “Okay, how?” followed by more fence sitting on those damn pickets!
What I’m coming to understand though is that neither the why nor the how matter in the least. Sure, they’d be fun to know, but they truly are irrelevant. What matters, and I’d maintain it’s the only thing that matters, is being willing to take whatever action has come up. Period. I get to turn it into some big production by deliberating and stressing over the why and the how for days or weeks or years, but ultimately, both how and why are unimportant.
I believe that someone in the movie, The Moses Code, said something to the effect of 'the only thing that matters is your willingness to go there, to take the action. The reason for this is that you aren’t called to do something because you’re ready and already fully equipped to do it. You’re called to do something because you’re willing to do it and will grow into it. You’ll learn the skills you need to achieve whatever scares you the most, whatever you’re called to do, in each moment as you say ‘yes’ to the task at hand.'
This is so exactly what I experienced when I decided that it was time to hike the Appalachian Trail. I had known for years that it was something that my heart desired. In fact, it just felt like something I was supposed to do. I perched precariously on that fence for the longest time though. Why was I supposed to do it, and how could I possibly make it happen since it would require that I quit my job, leave my family and live alone in the woods for over six months? Ultimately, none of those questions really mattered. The only purpose the questioning served in this instance was to keep me stuck and not taking action.
The instant that my partner and I agreed that we could make it happen (Read, “The moment I said I was willing to go there,”), things just started falling into place. I called the only person I knew who had completed a hike of the Appalachian Trail, Jean Deeds, author of There Are Mountains to Climb, and she not only returned my call but connected me with another local woman who had completed the trail numerous times, Carol Barnes. With Carol’s generous help, I learned how to reduce my pack weight so that it would take less of a toll on my joints. (I’d be carrying in a pack on my back everything I needed to survive in the wilderness alone for over 2000 miles. Every ounce mattered.)
And on it went. As each question would come up, the answer would appear seemingly by magic. I now know that this was Divine Right Timing at work. I didn’t need the information before, so I didn’t have it. As each hurdle presented itself, the perfect person and or solution would arrive. Almost before I knew what had happened, the time was upon me, and I was leaving to hike from Georgia to Maine by myself.
I’m always telling my clients that recognition is the first step to change. First we have to be curious enough to recognize what we’re thinking, saying and doing. Then we can endeavor to change it if we so desire. Well, I’ve just recognized this pattern that I have of resisting taking actions unless I know the ‘why’ behind them. Now that I’m conscious of the behavior and how uncomfortable it makes me to sit on those picket fences, I can consciously choose different behaviors. It’s a lovely and empowering place to be! Not surprisingly then, I like this new awareness. I enjoy consciously choosing my behaviors instead of gliding along on auto pilot like some character out of Dawn of the Living Dead, or like a cow following the herd.
You know, ultimately I did learn both the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ of my desire to hike the Appalachian Trail, and it felt great to know. It wasn’t until about six months after I returned from successfully completing my hike that I learned the ‘why’ of it. (That’s a completely different story though and will have to wait for another time.) I learned the ‘how’ of it each step of the way as it all gloriously unfolded.
I guess the moral of all of this is that sometimes you have to be willing to go where your heart leads you even though you don’t know why or how. In short, to honor your heart you frequently have to simply trust that your soul knows what’s right for you and take that leap of faith. Instead of needing to know why or even how, I can choose to be curious about when and where I learned to cloak my fear in those questions. That’s all ‘why’ and ‘how’ really are, fear/self-sabotage/lack of trust that I’m always supported and Divinely guided, masquerading as inquisitiveness.
What it boils down to is that I don’t have the master plan. At least if I do, it’s not in my head. I’d venture to guess that I have it in my heart. So my head can ponder and I can sit there uncomfortably for as long as I want, and my head and I still won’t have the master plan. I can spin my wheels forever trying to ‘figure out’ what my master plan is, or I can trust that my driver/heart has it and go with that. That Divine Right Timing thing is at work again here. If and when I’m ready to know the ‘why’ and the ‘how’, they’ll be revealed to me. You know? ; )
Call to Action: What action has your soul been calling for you to take, and your heart been beckoning for you to listen to? Have you been hung up on, “What could I possibly gain from doing this?” (the why) or, “How could I possibly accomplish that?!” (the how)? Are you uncomfortable enough on your fence that you’re willing to make the leap of faith and jump down off of it today or this week by actually committing to taking the action that your heart craves?
Remember: One of the most effective ways that I know of to show yourself that you matter, to love yourself, is to take the actions that your heart calls to you to take. How might the world be different if we all lovingly gave ourselves the beautiful, uplifting and nurturing things that we desire?
Eventually, I give in and do what my soul directs me to do in order to stay within my integrity, even though I don’t know ‘why’. I’ve recognized that my next hurdle is frequently “Okay, how?” followed by more fence sitting on those damn pickets!
What I’m coming to understand though is that neither the why nor the how matter in the least. Sure, they’d be fun to know, but they truly are irrelevant. What matters, and I’d maintain it’s the only thing that matters, is being willing to take whatever action has come up. Period. I get to turn it into some big production by deliberating and stressing over the why and the how for days or weeks or years, but ultimately, both how and why are unimportant.
I believe that someone in the movie, The Moses Code, said something to the effect of 'the only thing that matters is your willingness to go there, to take the action. The reason for this is that you aren’t called to do something because you’re ready and already fully equipped to do it. You’re called to do something because you’re willing to do it and will grow into it. You’ll learn the skills you need to achieve whatever scares you the most, whatever you’re called to do, in each moment as you say ‘yes’ to the task at hand.'
This is so exactly what I experienced when I decided that it was time to hike the Appalachian Trail. I had known for years that it was something that my heart desired. In fact, it just felt like something I was supposed to do. I perched precariously on that fence for the longest time though. Why was I supposed to do it, and how could I possibly make it happen since it would require that I quit my job, leave my family and live alone in the woods for over six months? Ultimately, none of those questions really mattered. The only purpose the questioning served in this instance was to keep me stuck and not taking action.
The instant that my partner and I agreed that we could make it happen (Read, “The moment I said I was willing to go there,”), things just started falling into place. I called the only person I knew who had completed a hike of the Appalachian Trail, Jean Deeds, author of There Are Mountains to Climb, and she not only returned my call but connected me with another local woman who had completed the trail numerous times, Carol Barnes. With Carol’s generous help, I learned how to reduce my pack weight so that it would take less of a toll on my joints. (I’d be carrying in a pack on my back everything I needed to survive in the wilderness alone for over 2000 miles. Every ounce mattered.)
And on it went. As each question would come up, the answer would appear seemingly by magic. I now know that this was Divine Right Timing at work. I didn’t need the information before, so I didn’t have it. As each hurdle presented itself, the perfect person and or solution would arrive. Almost before I knew what had happened, the time was upon me, and I was leaving to hike from Georgia to Maine by myself.
I’m always telling my clients that recognition is the first step to change. First we have to be curious enough to recognize what we’re thinking, saying and doing. Then we can endeavor to change it if we so desire. Well, I’ve just recognized this pattern that I have of resisting taking actions unless I know the ‘why’ behind them. Now that I’m conscious of the behavior and how uncomfortable it makes me to sit on those picket fences, I can consciously choose different behaviors. It’s a lovely and empowering place to be! Not surprisingly then, I like this new awareness. I enjoy consciously choosing my behaviors instead of gliding along on auto pilot like some character out of Dawn of the Living Dead, or like a cow following the herd.
You know, ultimately I did learn both the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ of my desire to hike the Appalachian Trail, and it felt great to know. It wasn’t until about six months after I returned from successfully completing my hike that I learned the ‘why’ of it. (That’s a completely different story though and will have to wait for another time.) I learned the ‘how’ of it each step of the way as it all gloriously unfolded.
I guess the moral of all of this is that sometimes you have to be willing to go where your heart leads you even though you don’t know why or how. In short, to honor your heart you frequently have to simply trust that your soul knows what’s right for you and take that leap of faith. Instead of needing to know why or even how, I can choose to be curious about when and where I learned to cloak my fear in those questions. That’s all ‘why’ and ‘how’ really are, fear/self-sabotage/lack of trust that I’m always supported and Divinely guided, masquerading as inquisitiveness.
What it boils down to is that I don’t have the master plan. At least if I do, it’s not in my head. I’d venture to guess that I have it in my heart. So my head can ponder and I can sit there uncomfortably for as long as I want, and my head and I still won’t have the master plan. I can spin my wheels forever trying to ‘figure out’ what my master plan is, or I can trust that my driver/heart has it and go with that. That Divine Right Timing thing is at work again here. If and when I’m ready to know the ‘why’ and the ‘how’, they’ll be revealed to me. You know? ; )
Call to Action: What action has your soul been calling for you to take, and your heart been beckoning for you to listen to? Have you been hung up on, “What could I possibly gain from doing this?” (the why) or, “How could I possibly accomplish that?!” (the how)? Are you uncomfortable enough on your fence that you’re willing to make the leap of faith and jump down off of it today or this week by actually committing to taking the action that your heart craves?
Remember: One of the most effective ways that I know of to show yourself that you matter, to love yourself, is to take the actions that your heart calls to you to take. How might the world be different if we all lovingly gave ourselves the beautiful, uplifting and nurturing things that we desire?
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The Only Way Out Is Through
Alanis Morissette has a song entitled, Out Is Through. That line so perfectly describes the sole way we can each successfully deal with our problems or the situations in our lives that torment us. What I know from my own life is that when I have a problem I need to deal with it as soon as I can. If I don’t, it grows. No, I’m serious. It’s like it becomes some huge unmanageable thing getting bigger and bigger as the hours and days go by.
Take what happened with me and my stepmom for example. She invited me and my partner on a family vacation with the rest of my siblings. I knew that I probably wouldn’t want to attend for a variety of reasons, but I told her quite honestly that I would consider it. Since it’s something she’d really like to have happen, it’s not surprising that she heard that I’d go. Then, after I considered it and determined that indeed I didn’t want to go and shared that with her, we had some tension in our relationship. After all, she heard that I’d go. Now here I was backing out and ruining her plans.
Clearly, we needed to talk about this before hard feelings developed on either side, if they hadn’t already. That however, was a very scary proposition. All I’d have to do is say ‘yes’, capitulate on my decision, and she’d be happy after all. True, but I’d be unhappy. So, we did need to talk. Not that it would change what either of us was or wasn’t going to do, but so that we could both hear how the other felt and respect and honor those feelings.
Well, I didn’t call my stepmom right away. Then one morning last week as I walked through my neighborhood I saw a woman cutting down the suckers (tree branches that sprout up from the tree’s roots) on her crabapple trees. These suckers had been ignored and growing for many years. Suddenly, it hit me. If she had dealt with those suckers when they were sprouts, she could have broken them off by hand before they developed any bark on them. Instead she waited. Eventually, they grew and had bark on their stems and could no longer simply be broken off. At that point, they required hand clippers. Still she waited. They grew much thicker and taller with trunk diameters of over an inch and a half wide. The suckers then required loppers to cut them down. She continued to not deal with them. They’re now at the point where they’ll take a handsaw to remove them. She cut down what she could with the loppers, but tall ‘stumps’ remain. Had she waited still longer, the suckers would be trees unto themselves and require a chainsaw to remove them.
Did I want to wait and not address the ‘bump’ in my relationship with my stepmom? Not any more! What might become of our relationship if I ignored a miscommunication and allowed it to grow for years and years like the crabapple suckers? I was unwilling to find out. So I called her and we talked about it. She still loves me and would like for me to go on family vacation, and I still love her and am unwilling to go. That didn’t change. But the sucker was removed before it got out of control.
I’ve talked before about letting go of something, some problem or situation or thought that’s tormenting you. It struck me with this situation that letting go doesn’t mean not dealing with it. By all means, if you have some issue in your life, deal with it and as soon as possible. If you don’t, you’re just stuffing your feelings, like holding a beach ball under water. The ball won’t go away of its own accord. You’ll devote tons of energy to holding it down. Eventually the ball ‘wins’ and explodes out of the water when you least expect it to. So, letting go doesn’t mean not dealing with the issues in your life. Letting go means choosing not to think unproductive thoughts, like blaming, about your situation. Letting go means choosing a time and a way that you will look at the situation and then following through and doing so.
So, back to the title of this blog, The Only Way Out Is Through. You can’t go around your fears, pains and sorrows. You can’t ignore them and have them go away. You can’t go under them or over them. You can’t hold them down indefinitely. They’ll simply continue to grow like the suckers or to exist like the beach ball. The only way to successfully deal with the issues in your life is to move through them, or step into them, by honestly looking at them. You get to choose if you do that with love, compassion and joy or if you fight every step of the way.
Call to Action: Where are you holding a beach ball under water or letting the suckers grow to unmanageable proportions ~ with a friend, family member, or co-worker? What do you need to do today or this week to address the issue? Are you willing to pick a time and day by which you’ll address it and then do so?
Remember: This isn’t about making one person right and another wrong. This is about improving your communication with others and lovingly moving through things that could possibly become huge grudges and resentments at a later time if left unattended.
Take what happened with me and my stepmom for example. She invited me and my partner on a family vacation with the rest of my siblings. I knew that I probably wouldn’t want to attend for a variety of reasons, but I told her quite honestly that I would consider it. Since it’s something she’d really like to have happen, it’s not surprising that she heard that I’d go. Then, after I considered it and determined that indeed I didn’t want to go and shared that with her, we had some tension in our relationship. After all, she heard that I’d go. Now here I was backing out and ruining her plans.
Clearly, we needed to talk about this before hard feelings developed on either side, if they hadn’t already. That however, was a very scary proposition. All I’d have to do is say ‘yes’, capitulate on my decision, and she’d be happy after all. True, but I’d be unhappy. So, we did need to talk. Not that it would change what either of us was or wasn’t going to do, but so that we could both hear how the other felt and respect and honor those feelings.
Well, I didn’t call my stepmom right away. Then one morning last week as I walked through my neighborhood I saw a woman cutting down the suckers (tree branches that sprout up from the tree’s roots) on her crabapple trees. These suckers had been ignored and growing for many years. Suddenly, it hit me. If she had dealt with those suckers when they were sprouts, she could have broken them off by hand before they developed any bark on them. Instead she waited. Eventually, they grew and had bark on their stems and could no longer simply be broken off. At that point, they required hand clippers. Still she waited. They grew much thicker and taller with trunk diameters of over an inch and a half wide. The suckers then required loppers to cut them down. She continued to not deal with them. They’re now at the point where they’ll take a handsaw to remove them. She cut down what she could with the loppers, but tall ‘stumps’ remain. Had she waited still longer, the suckers would be trees unto themselves and require a chainsaw to remove them.
Did I want to wait and not address the ‘bump’ in my relationship with my stepmom? Not any more! What might become of our relationship if I ignored a miscommunication and allowed it to grow for years and years like the crabapple suckers? I was unwilling to find out. So I called her and we talked about it. She still loves me and would like for me to go on family vacation, and I still love her and am unwilling to go. That didn’t change. But the sucker was removed before it got out of control.
I’ve talked before about letting go of something, some problem or situation or thought that’s tormenting you. It struck me with this situation that letting go doesn’t mean not dealing with it. By all means, if you have some issue in your life, deal with it and as soon as possible. If you don’t, you’re just stuffing your feelings, like holding a beach ball under water. The ball won’t go away of its own accord. You’ll devote tons of energy to holding it down. Eventually the ball ‘wins’ and explodes out of the water when you least expect it to. So, letting go doesn’t mean not dealing with the issues in your life. Letting go means choosing not to think unproductive thoughts, like blaming, about your situation. Letting go means choosing a time and a way that you will look at the situation and then following through and doing so.
So, back to the title of this blog, The Only Way Out Is Through. You can’t go around your fears, pains and sorrows. You can’t ignore them and have them go away. You can’t go under them or over them. You can’t hold them down indefinitely. They’ll simply continue to grow like the suckers or to exist like the beach ball. The only way to successfully deal with the issues in your life is to move through them, or step into them, by honestly looking at them. You get to choose if you do that with love, compassion and joy or if you fight every step of the way.
Call to Action: Where are you holding a beach ball under water or letting the suckers grow to unmanageable proportions ~ with a friend, family member, or co-worker? What do you need to do today or this week to address the issue? Are you willing to pick a time and day by which you’ll address it and then do so?
Remember: This isn’t about making one person right and another wrong. This is about improving your communication with others and lovingly moving through things that could possibly become huge grudges and resentments at a later time if left unattended.
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