Can It Really Be This Easy?
So often there’s something in my life that I don’t like and that I wish would change. How I spend the bulk of my free time is one such thing. A simple truth that I tend to forget though is that the person who wants the change has to be the person to make the change. Couple this with the certainty that, ‘If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten,’ and you have the recipe to change your life forever and for the better.
I can sit around until the day I die waiting for how I spend my free time to just magically change form (which it’s very unlikely to do if all I’m doing is wishing for it to change) or I can determine what I want my free time to look like and then start taking steps in that direction right now. As long as I’m consistent in taking steps toward that vision, I’ll eventually turn it into my reality, even if my steps are baby ones.
Unfortunately, my tendency is to believe that I’m not the one that decides how I spend my time, free or otherwise. This belief is a lie though. It’s a great way to act like a victim, but the truth is, I always get to do exactly what I want to do. If I don’t take the time to figure out what it is I want to do, it’s nobody else’s fault.
So, the truth is that I always get to do exactly what I want to do. How empowering! In each moment, I get to weigh my options and determine my best course of action given what’s important to me and what my vision for my life is. This goes so far as to include what I think and believe. I always get to think and believe whatever I want to think and believe. I have choice ~ in everything. If I don’t like where I am or where my past thoughts, words and actions have landed me, all I have to do is change them.
At this point, you might be asking yourself if it can really be this easy. The answer is ‘yes’. I think many of us are so unconscious of acting like we’re a victim in this way and that in all honesty we chart the course for our lives, that it seems impossible that to change we simply need to make different decisions, think different thoughts, say different things and take different actions.
Call to Action: What’s one thing in your life that you’d really like to see change? How long have you been waiting for it to ‘magically’ alter itself? Are you willing to take responsibility for the fact that you created this in your life and that you can change it by taking actions that you’re not accustomed to taking regularly? What’s one small positive thing that you can do differently starting today or this week to create a shift in some area of your life that’s less than ideal? Are you prepared to commit to taking that action and then to actually take it?
Remember: Regardless of how impossible it seems that you really do have choice about everything in your life, you do. Consequently, you did create the situations you’re experiencing that are less than ideal. The only question then is, “Are you ready to own the situation and actively do something to change it?”
Monday, June 30, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
What Are You Looking At?
I was talking with my hair stylist today and she basically said that everybody was driving her nuts. (It didn’t help that she has recently quit smoking. : ) But for example, her kids are making messes everywhere and it’s driving her bananas! So, I asked her where she has messes in her life. She looked at me sort of quizzically until I told her that whatever she can see in somebody else is also a part of her.
“Huh?” she said.
Look, if you can see messes in somebody else’s life and those messes really have you emotionally stirred up (meaning that you’re not simply informed by them but you’re passionate about them) you’ve got it going on in your own life too. So I asked her if she’s got clutter someplace, is carrying around grudges and resentments from her childhood or has some communication that needs to be cleaned up (something she needs to say to somebody but she hasn’t said it), because those are all examples of messes somebody could have in their life. Suddenly I could see the understanding dawn in her.
What can be even harder to accept though is that if you see something beautiful in somebody else, like generosity for instance, and you’re really charged or emotional about it, you’ve got that in your own life. Say what? If you just are in such awe of somebody because of some fabulous quality they have, you’ve got it too. You can’t see it or recognize it in somebody else if it’s not already in you. (Okay, the truth is we all actually have every quality both ‘good’ and ‘bad’. That’s too much for me to go into right here, so read Debbie Ford’s book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, for an in-depth explanation of it.) Back to my point. I think the author and poet Maya Angelou is one of the most brilliant women ever. I’m very emotional about it. I mean I just love her. Well, I know it’s even harder to believe it or ‘own it’ about good stuff than it is about bad stuff, but I couldn’t see brilliance in her if I didn’t have some going on someplace in my life. It’s true. I’m brilliant. ; )
So here’s the thing, whenever something really has you wound up and you’re really angry about it for example, stop. Take your focus off of whoever or whatever situation has you riled. Look around your own life and see where you have that same type of thing going on. You’ll eventually find it if you’re really open to seeing how you’ve been operating and committed to starting to change the way you think, speak and act.
Keeping your focus outside of yourself and on what somebody else should or shouldn’t be doing or on how some situation should be different in order to make your life better, just keeps you stuck and playing a victim. If you’re tired of continuing to create in your life what you’ve always created, bring your focus onto how that quality or situation that has you riled exists in you. Then start doing something differently from how you’ve been doing it. I promise you you’ll start to feel less emotionally charged by whatever had been going on.
Does this mean you’ll now tolerate the kids making messes everywhere and never cleaning up after themselves? No, it means that now you’ll be informed by their messes instead of ready to scream and yell and throw things in order to get them to clean up the messes. Now you’ll be able to be curious and more rational about their messes and calmly let them know the expected behavior without shaming them and making them wrong. You can approach the situation from peace and love instead of from judgment and anger.
Call to action: Try it. The next time you hear yourself going on and on to your spouse, partner or friend about some situation where somebody else is all wrong, stop. Turn your attention to yourself. Ask yourself where you do that same thing in your own life, where you have done it or how or where you could be driven to do it. Notice how recognizing that your upset is really about how you’re like that in your own life starts to release the pressure around the situation. It’s really not about that external situation or other person so much as it’s about you. That’s a HUGE insight in and of itself.
Remember: If some person or situation has you emotionally charged, it’s really mostly about you. Are you willing to ‘bust’ yourself and take the time to see how and where you are that way? It’s guaranteed to bring you more peace. Try it and then share your experience on this blog.
“Huh?” she said.
Look, if you can see messes in somebody else’s life and those messes really have you emotionally stirred up (meaning that you’re not simply informed by them but you’re passionate about them) you’ve got it going on in your own life too. So I asked her if she’s got clutter someplace, is carrying around grudges and resentments from her childhood or has some communication that needs to be cleaned up (something she needs to say to somebody but she hasn’t said it), because those are all examples of messes somebody could have in their life. Suddenly I could see the understanding dawn in her.
What can be even harder to accept though is that if you see something beautiful in somebody else, like generosity for instance, and you’re really charged or emotional about it, you’ve got that in your own life. Say what? If you just are in such awe of somebody because of some fabulous quality they have, you’ve got it too. You can’t see it or recognize it in somebody else if it’s not already in you. (Okay, the truth is we all actually have every quality both ‘good’ and ‘bad’. That’s too much for me to go into right here, so read Debbie Ford’s book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, for an in-depth explanation of it.) Back to my point. I think the author and poet Maya Angelou is one of the most brilliant women ever. I’m very emotional about it. I mean I just love her. Well, I know it’s even harder to believe it or ‘own it’ about good stuff than it is about bad stuff, but I couldn’t see brilliance in her if I didn’t have some going on someplace in my life. It’s true. I’m brilliant. ; )
So here’s the thing, whenever something really has you wound up and you’re really angry about it for example, stop. Take your focus off of whoever or whatever situation has you riled. Look around your own life and see where you have that same type of thing going on. You’ll eventually find it if you’re really open to seeing how you’ve been operating and committed to starting to change the way you think, speak and act.
Keeping your focus outside of yourself and on what somebody else should or shouldn’t be doing or on how some situation should be different in order to make your life better, just keeps you stuck and playing a victim. If you’re tired of continuing to create in your life what you’ve always created, bring your focus onto how that quality or situation that has you riled exists in you. Then start doing something differently from how you’ve been doing it. I promise you you’ll start to feel less emotionally charged by whatever had been going on.
Does this mean you’ll now tolerate the kids making messes everywhere and never cleaning up after themselves? No, it means that now you’ll be informed by their messes instead of ready to scream and yell and throw things in order to get them to clean up the messes. Now you’ll be able to be curious and more rational about their messes and calmly let them know the expected behavior without shaming them and making them wrong. You can approach the situation from peace and love instead of from judgment and anger.
Call to action: Try it. The next time you hear yourself going on and on to your spouse, partner or friend about some situation where somebody else is all wrong, stop. Turn your attention to yourself. Ask yourself where you do that same thing in your own life, where you have done it or how or where you could be driven to do it. Notice how recognizing that your upset is really about how you’re like that in your own life starts to release the pressure around the situation. It’s really not about that external situation or other person so much as it’s about you. That’s a HUGE insight in and of itself.
Remember: If some person or situation has you emotionally charged, it’s really mostly about you. Are you willing to ‘bust’ yourself and take the time to see how and where you are that way? It’s guaranteed to bring you more peace. Try it and then share your experience on this blog.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Where Do You Ask And Then Fail To Act?
For years now there has been quite a buzz about the book The Secret. I love both the book and the movie. They have lots of valuable information in them. You do get what you focus on. Our thoughts do produce our reality. I believe that and I’ve seen it happen time and again in my own life. It’s the notion of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Think about driving that new BMW, feel the emotions of actually being out there doing it, and see yourself joyously cruising along behind the wheel and there’s a good chance that you’ll end up having a new BMW in your life at some point.
My ‘gripe’, if you will, about The Secret is twofold: 1. Visualization like that described above is only part of the equation. 2. The Secret emphasizes things or material stuff.
My experience has been that visualization without action is simply daydreaming or fantasizing. To move something out of the ‘dream’ category, I need to be taking action to bring it about. It’s as if The Secret encourages me to be irresponsible and a victim. “Well, I really want a new BMW, but the Universe hasn’t seen fit to give it to me. So, I’ll keep visualizing.” It feels disempowering and incomplete. I believe that it’s missing the part where I take action.
At some point, we have to do more than just ask for something or declare our intentions. We have to act. A friend asked me recently, “If 10 birds are sitting on a wire and 9 decide to fly off, how many birds are left on the wire?” The answer is 10. Nine birds simply decided to fly off. They never actually did so. So, The Secret feels like the deciding part to me. It’s a great first step.
My second concern with The Secret is that it’s focused on material things. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice stuff. Ask anybody who knows me. I live well and I enjoy it. Quite honestly though, I believe that misses the entire point of our existence. In my world view, we are love. We are here solely to express and share the love that we are.
When I’m focused on stuff I’m not generally paying attention to spreading or sharing love. I can be. I mean if somebody is without food, clothing or shelter and I help provide that for them, that’s both loving and focused on things. But if I were to say we have a ‘problem’ in the United States it’s that we’re so caught up in stuff. Certainly things are one measure of success or abundance. But for most of my life, I allowed my focus on things to distract me from my real purpose ~ loving and sharing my love with myself and others. It’s much easier to focus outside myself and on things. Ultimately though, that doesn’t bring me lasting happiness. When I focus instead on being honest with myself and others, taking actions that are self-loving (like taking time for reflection or eating well), and being grateful and responsible, then I grow and learn, and feel happier and more fulfilled.
What I’m saying then, is that in my view The Secret is a great jumping off point. It can inspire somebody to feel passionate about changing their life or helping others lead better lives. Inspiration and passion are fabulous motivators. They’re a big part of the puzzle, but without being coupled with action, it’s like owning a sports car but having no fuel. It’s nice to look at, but you don’t get anywhere very fast. Plus, if I don’t much like myself and am spending the bulk of my time doing things I don’t enjoy, a sports car, with or without fuel, isn’t going to bring me lasting happiness or fulfillment. In my estimation, looking within, at my own thoughts and beliefs, is more important. That’s how I can come to love myself more and more, which then enables me to share that love with others.
Call to action: Where are you simply wishing for something and then sitting back and waiting for it to magically happen? Are you willing to take some small action towards bringing it into your life today or this week? For example, do you desire a closer relationship with a family member, but you’re not making any effort to see them or connect with them in a meaningful way?
Remember: It is always true that the person who wants the change has to be the person to make the change. If there’s something that you want to be different in your life, it’s up to you to create it through your thoughts, words and actions. They all need to be in alignment with one another. If any one of the three, your thoughts, words or actions, is pointing in some other direction, your ability to manifest what you desire will be severely hampered.
My ‘gripe’, if you will, about The Secret is twofold: 1. Visualization like that described above is only part of the equation. 2. The Secret emphasizes things or material stuff.
My experience has been that visualization without action is simply daydreaming or fantasizing. To move something out of the ‘dream’ category, I need to be taking action to bring it about. It’s as if The Secret encourages me to be irresponsible and a victim. “Well, I really want a new BMW, but the Universe hasn’t seen fit to give it to me. So, I’ll keep visualizing.” It feels disempowering and incomplete. I believe that it’s missing the part where I take action.
At some point, we have to do more than just ask for something or declare our intentions. We have to act. A friend asked me recently, “If 10 birds are sitting on a wire and 9 decide to fly off, how many birds are left on the wire?” The answer is 10. Nine birds simply decided to fly off. They never actually did so. So, The Secret feels like the deciding part to me. It’s a great first step.
My second concern with The Secret is that it’s focused on material things. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice stuff. Ask anybody who knows me. I live well and I enjoy it. Quite honestly though, I believe that misses the entire point of our existence. In my world view, we are love. We are here solely to express and share the love that we are.
When I’m focused on stuff I’m not generally paying attention to spreading or sharing love. I can be. I mean if somebody is without food, clothing or shelter and I help provide that for them, that’s both loving and focused on things. But if I were to say we have a ‘problem’ in the United States it’s that we’re so caught up in stuff. Certainly things are one measure of success or abundance. But for most of my life, I allowed my focus on things to distract me from my real purpose ~ loving and sharing my love with myself and others. It’s much easier to focus outside myself and on things. Ultimately though, that doesn’t bring me lasting happiness. When I focus instead on being honest with myself and others, taking actions that are self-loving (like taking time for reflection or eating well), and being grateful and responsible, then I grow and learn, and feel happier and more fulfilled.
What I’m saying then, is that in my view The Secret is a great jumping off point. It can inspire somebody to feel passionate about changing their life or helping others lead better lives. Inspiration and passion are fabulous motivators. They’re a big part of the puzzle, but without being coupled with action, it’s like owning a sports car but having no fuel. It’s nice to look at, but you don’t get anywhere very fast. Plus, if I don’t much like myself and am spending the bulk of my time doing things I don’t enjoy, a sports car, with or without fuel, isn’t going to bring me lasting happiness or fulfillment. In my estimation, looking within, at my own thoughts and beliefs, is more important. That’s how I can come to love myself more and more, which then enables me to share that love with others.
Call to action: Where are you simply wishing for something and then sitting back and waiting for it to magically happen? Are you willing to take some small action towards bringing it into your life today or this week? For example, do you desire a closer relationship with a family member, but you’re not making any effort to see them or connect with them in a meaningful way?
Remember: It is always true that the person who wants the change has to be the person to make the change. If there’s something that you want to be different in your life, it’s up to you to create it through your thoughts, words and actions. They all need to be in alignment with one another. If any one of the three, your thoughts, words or actions, is pointing in some other direction, your ability to manifest what you desire will be severely hampered.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
"Will the real me please stand up?"
The other morning I was so struck by how beautifully connected we all are. It’s as if there are countless fine silver threads connecting our every thought one to the other, both within one person and between people. With many of our thoughts, words and actions we have no idea what their repercussions are. When we get a chance to glimpse the effects they have on people and how those feelings of love, peace and acceptance are passed along it is truly inspiring.
We really do never know the far reaching effects of everything we think, say and do. So often I find myself holding back, not sharing who I really am, or what I really think because of my fear of what somebody else might think of me. You know what? Who am I not to share who I really am or what I really think? How many people will continue to believe that they can’t speak up because ‘they’re the only ones like this’? Or that they can’t engage in some nurturing activity because it would be wrong? By my sharing authentically myself, by being myself, I give others permission to do the same, to be themselves. I show them that it’s not only SAFE, but also rewarding. Sharing who I really am and what I really think ‘pays off’ in big ways. That is how I connect with somebody else. That is how we learn that we think differently or disagree on an issue, but that that’s okay.
The intention in being myself and saying what I really feel isn’t to get somebody else to be my clone so that they think, speak and act as I do. The intention in being myself is being known as myself. The intention is also that I come to know myself as I really am. We all cover up who we really are out of fear that we won’t be liked. The truth is, when we do that WHO is it that the other person is coming to like? It certainly isn’t us! We’ve covered us up so completely that even we have trouble finding our true or authentic selves.
Back to my original point. When we don’t bother to learn who we really are and then aren’t courageous enough to share that person with the world, we’re robbing the world of our gifts. So often the things we’re trying so hard to hide are exactly the things that people most love about us, and the way that they most connect with us, because those things make us unique and show that we’re human, or approachable, too.
When I can tell somebody is being fake or just telling me what I want to hear, my guard goes up instantly. I suddenly feel like I’m dealing with a phone solicitor or door to door salesman. My internal gate closes, the lights turn off and no connection occurs. I wonder what they want from me, and on some level, I don’t trust them.
On the other hand, when somebody shares what they really think and who they really are, whether I agree or not, at least I’m getting to know them. A connection forms. We begin to understand one another whether or not we believe identical things or have similar likes. Our oneness is recognized.
So, in an effort to feel safe, I have found that I frequently haven’t shared who I really am or what I really think. It no longer serves me. It doesn’t move me forward or help me to become the supportive, accepting and compassionate person that I am. I therefore am consciously choosing to watch for that guarded behavior within myself and to be open and authentic instead. It can be difficult. I’ve hidden myself since I was a child. This ‘coming out’ is new to me and as such, I’ll stumble. That’s okay though. What matters is my intention. I intend to be myself, and to pay attention to when I’m not being myself and to what excuse I’m using for not doing so. Not only does this behavior keep others from knowing the real me, it keeps me from knowing the real me.
Call to action: What beautiful part of yourself have you been hiding? Do you love to draw but think you’re ‘not good enough’? Is playing something that delights you but you ‘simply don’t have the time’ and besides ‘what would people think’? Do you thrive when creating things with your hands but deny yourself that pleasure? Will you commit to allowing yourself to engage in the beautiful self-loving activity that you yearn to do this week, and then actually take that action?
Remember: It takes courage to be yourself, especially when you think that somebody else may judge you as not good enough, bad or wrong for it. Your true, loving, compassionate self deserves to be shared and heard. Are you courageous enough to share it?
We really do never know the far reaching effects of everything we think, say and do. So often I find myself holding back, not sharing who I really am, or what I really think because of my fear of what somebody else might think of me. You know what? Who am I not to share who I really am or what I really think? How many people will continue to believe that they can’t speak up because ‘they’re the only ones like this’? Or that they can’t engage in some nurturing activity because it would be wrong? By my sharing authentically myself, by being myself, I give others permission to do the same, to be themselves. I show them that it’s not only SAFE, but also rewarding. Sharing who I really am and what I really think ‘pays off’ in big ways. That is how I connect with somebody else. That is how we learn that we think differently or disagree on an issue, but that that’s okay.
The intention in being myself and saying what I really feel isn’t to get somebody else to be my clone so that they think, speak and act as I do. The intention in being myself is being known as myself. The intention is also that I come to know myself as I really am. We all cover up who we really are out of fear that we won’t be liked. The truth is, when we do that WHO is it that the other person is coming to like? It certainly isn’t us! We’ve covered us up so completely that even we have trouble finding our true or authentic selves.
Back to my original point. When we don’t bother to learn who we really are and then aren’t courageous enough to share that person with the world, we’re robbing the world of our gifts. So often the things we’re trying so hard to hide are exactly the things that people most love about us, and the way that they most connect with us, because those things make us unique and show that we’re human, or approachable, too.
When I can tell somebody is being fake or just telling me what I want to hear, my guard goes up instantly. I suddenly feel like I’m dealing with a phone solicitor or door to door salesman. My internal gate closes, the lights turn off and no connection occurs. I wonder what they want from me, and on some level, I don’t trust them.
On the other hand, when somebody shares what they really think and who they really are, whether I agree or not, at least I’m getting to know them. A connection forms. We begin to understand one another whether or not we believe identical things or have similar likes. Our oneness is recognized.
So, in an effort to feel safe, I have found that I frequently haven’t shared who I really am or what I really think. It no longer serves me. It doesn’t move me forward or help me to become the supportive, accepting and compassionate person that I am. I therefore am consciously choosing to watch for that guarded behavior within myself and to be open and authentic instead. It can be difficult. I’ve hidden myself since I was a child. This ‘coming out’ is new to me and as such, I’ll stumble. That’s okay though. What matters is my intention. I intend to be myself, and to pay attention to when I’m not being myself and to what excuse I’m using for not doing so. Not only does this behavior keep others from knowing the real me, it keeps me from knowing the real me.
Call to action: What beautiful part of yourself have you been hiding? Do you love to draw but think you’re ‘not good enough’? Is playing something that delights you but you ‘simply don’t have the time’ and besides ‘what would people think’? Do you thrive when creating things with your hands but deny yourself that pleasure? Will you commit to allowing yourself to engage in the beautiful self-loving activity that you yearn to do this week, and then actually take that action?
Remember: It takes courage to be yourself, especially when you think that somebody else may judge you as not good enough, bad or wrong for it. Your true, loving, compassionate self deserves to be shared and heard. Are you courageous enough to share it?
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