More Smiles ~ September 2008

What Are You Thinking?

I’ve spent my life believing that I’d be happier if only x, y or z would happen, or if only a, b or c hadn’t ever happened. It’s not true though. My happiness truly doesn’t depend on any person, situation or event outside of myself. My happiness depends solely on my thoughts. Whenever I feel bad ~ sad, angry or hurt ~ I know that I’ve just been thinking some thought that caused that emotion.

Since I’ve spent my life practicing the belief that my happiness depends on someone or something outside of myself, I often don’t even notice the thoughts that ‘set me off’, or lead me to the ‘negative’ emotion. I really have to be present and pay attention to how I’m feeling if I hope to lead a happier and more peaceful life. Again, these ‘negative’ emotions aren’t bad. It’s more like they’re compassionate reminders of the fact that I’ve been thinking untrue and disturbing thoughts.

So, what can I do about it? What can I do when I recognize that I’m feeling disgruntled that my sibling isn’t doing what I think they should, or my financial picture isn’t what I expect it should be or somebody hurt me terribly in my childhood? I can start by noticing the thoughts I’m thinking about that person, situation or event. Whatever the thought is, I clearly believe it or it wouldn’t have sent me down the path I’m on and into my negative and unhappy spiral. But the question is, “Is my thought true?” What I’ve repeatedly found from applying Byron Katie’s process, The Work, is that my original thought is never the only truth about that person, situation or event. And, my believing that it is the only truth keeps me closed off and stuck in misery or uncomfortable feelings.

Regardless of whether or not I believe with all my heart and soul that my original thought is true, I can still choose to notice how thinking that thought makes me feel. What emotion do I feel when I think this? How do I treat the person, situation or event about which I’m thinking it?

And, if I didn’t think or believe this thought, what might I be sitting here thinking, feeling, saying and doing instead?

What it boils down to is that everything I see going on outside of myself in others and in the world around me is really just a reflection of what’s going on inside me. I’m usually totally unaware of it going on inside of myself though and so I need the rest of the world in order to learn about myself and to grow. When I understand this truth, I can take whatever my original thought was and ‘turn it around’ to myself. If I was seeing selfishness in my sibling, I can look for instances of where and how I’m selfish. Or, if my original thought was that my financial picture should look more positive, I can look for how my thoughts should look more positive. If I felt resentment toward someone for some past hurt, I can look for ways in which I’ve hurt myself or others.

This is basically a description of Byron Katie’s process, The Work. The Work is a series of questions that allow us to become aware of our thoughts instead of continuing to be controlled by our thoughts. We each have a story. If I asked you to tell me about your life, there are certain things you’d be sure to include: the death of your grandfather, going to college or your career path. The Work allows you to step outside of your story and take a truthful look at what you’ve made the events and circumstances of your life mean about yourself.

Call to Action: The next time you find yourself feeling some ‘negative’ emotion stop for a moment and notice what thought you had just been thinking. I guarantee it was an uncomfortable thought for you. Then take yourself through The Work. Ask if the thought is true, how you feel and react when you believe the thought, who you’d be and what you might think without the thought and then ‘turn the thought around’. See Byron Katie’s http://www.thework.com/thework.asp for a more detailed description of applying this process to your thoughts.

Remember: This isn’t about what’s right or wrong, it’s about investigating the truth and coming to know, love and understand yourself better. It's about experiencing lasting peace and happiness. My experience has been that I get so caught up in what I think is right or wrong that I ignore, fight or miss the truth. When I’m fighting the truth, I feel anxious, wrong, mad, afraid or whatever ‘negative’ emotion. To feel more peace and joy, I only have to quit fighting the truth by exploring my thoughts.

Would You Rather Be Right, Or Happy And At Peace?

Even if my body is injured, hurt or damaged,
I can only be emotionally hurt if my thoughts
are that my body, things, situations, people, or life
should be different than how they are.

Always, it’s only my thoughts
that can cause me emotional pain and suffering.
Not even what somebody else does
to me physically can do that.

My body might hurt,
ache or bleed, but
I only suffer emotionally over
that if and when I
believe that my body
shouldn’t do those
things yet still it is
doing those things.

Always, it’s only my thoughts
that can cause me emotional pain and suffering.

If I believe I should be
asleep when I’m awake in
the middle of the night,
being awake causes me to
suffer.

If I believe
my thoughts, words and actions
affect somebody
else’s happiness, and someone
around me is unhappy with
what I’ve thought, said or done, then
my thoughts, words and actions cause me to
suffer.

If I believe I need
somebody else’s acceptance,
approval and understanding
to be who I am and do what I do,
and I don’t have their acceptance,
approval and understanding,
then I suffer without it.

It’s always my thought or belief that causes my
emotional pain or suffering, not what somebody else does
or doesn’t say or do, and not how the situation does
or doesn’t play out.

I do not control anybody
else’s happiness, just
as they do not control
mine. My thoughts
determine my happiness
and nobody else is in my
head telling me what
to think ~ just me. In
each moment, I choose
happiness or sadness,
trust or fear, peace
or war based on the
thoughts I choose to
believe and how believing those
thoughts makes me feel.

The same is true for everybody else.
So, if somebody tells me that I
made them angry or hurt their
feelings, it’s not true! It’s
their thinking about what I
said or didn’t say, or did or didn’t
do, that makes them angry or
hurts their feelings.

This is so subtle, yet so profound!

So, if I tell somebody that they
made me angry or hurt my
feelings, it’s not true! It’s
my thinking about what they
said or didn’t say, or did or didn’t
do, that makes me angry or
hurts my feelings.

I can choose to be right and justified in
my anger and hurt, and keep believing my thought,
or I can choose to be happy and at
peace by exploring and investigating
my thought. The question then becomes,
“Would I rather be right, or happy and at peace?”

Continuing the Journey with Your Emotions

Something that I say a lot is to allow yourself to feel your emotions. When I say that, I don’t mean to then park and live there. I don’t mean to hang on to them with all your might. There’s always an ebb and flow of emotions moving through us if we’ll allow it.

I know that I have a tendency to get angry with someone or something and then build my case for being angry. Then, once I have my case firmly built, I can comfortably and very righteously LIVE in that place of anger. While that’s very human, it’s not particularly healthy or growth oriented.

It’s much healthier to notice my gripe with that person or thing, recognize that I feel angry and that I’m in the process of building my case to deserve to feel angry and STOP THE PROCESS THERE AND REDIRECT IT. Rather than creating Angry Land where I can live ‘happily’ ever after, I can start to get at the truth around my anger by being curious about it. This curiousness allows me to naturally and healthfully move through the emotion. (Again, it’s not that it’s wrong or bad to feel the emotion, but I don’t want to park or live there. All emotions are intended to flow.)

There are lots of ways I can be curious about my emotion. I can look at my physical body, my thoughts or my actions. When I notice that I feel angry, I can ask myself where the anger shows up in my body. What am I actually feeling in my body to even know that I’m angry? Is my jaw clenched or my stomach tight? Have I experienced this before, and if so, when?

Once I’ve explored my physical feelings, I can be curious about my thoughts. What thoughts are going through my head while my body is feeling this way? “I can’t believe she did this to me again! It’s the fourth time! How long am I going to put up with this? I shouldn’t be such a wimp!” Blah, blah, blah, blah blah… If I allow myself to get that far, I’m well into my story.

By that point I’ve built what feels like really strong justification for my anger. The beautiful part of this is that there are probably some very interesting things I can learn about myself if I pause and investigate these thoughts. It can be helpful to ask myself what I am really angry with her for. Another thing to be curious about is what I may be angry with myself for. How have I been making myself angry? And, what do I get out of being angry with myself or with her? (I wouldn’t engage in the behavior if there wasn’t some payoff in it for me.)

I can also explore my actions and reactions. How do I react when I’m angry with her ~ what do I think, say and do? How does it make me feel to react this way? What action can I take, what can I do, to experience some relief around this situation?

All of this questioning and being curious allows me to float freely through my emotions instead of getting stuck or bogged down in one emotion because of how justified I believe I am to feel that way. (I know I’m right, and you know I’m right. Remember my story about it? It proves I’m right!) That’s what feeling your emotions is all about: acknowledging what you feel when you feel it, consciously dwelling there as you explore it and lovingly allowing yourself to flow through the emotion. Feeling your emotions, being curious about them and moving through them is an alternative to building a solid case for how you’re right to feel what you feel and walling yourself in with this case so that you can cling to and wallow in that emotion seemingly forever.

Call to Action: Where are you stuck in some ‘negative’ emotion like fear, anger, resentment or worry? What story or case have you built to support your right to be there? What might be available to you if you started to be curious about it all instead of being so committed to being right to feel that way?

Remember: Allowing yourself to feel your emotions and recognizing what you’re feeling is a great first step. To continue on your path of growth, next become curious about your feelings and compassionately investigate them rather than building a case for how right you are. Be open to seeing the whole situation differently, through new eyes, and you’re well on the road to lasting peace and joy.

What Are Your Actions Telling You?

I've noticed that I have a pattern. I say that I'm committed to something, but then I take actions that actually head me in the opposite direction of what I claim to desire. My eating is a good example. I've been saying that I want to eat better by incorporating more fruits and vegetables into my diet and yet not eating more calories overall. But what I've been doing isn't that at all! I have done a pretty good job of eating more fruits and veggies. The 'problem' if you will is that I'm also eating more calories over all. There's a line from the movie The Kindergarten Cop where Arnold Schwarzenegger's fellow undercover police officer is sick as a dog from eating everything but the kitchen sink. She says something to the effect of, "It couldn't have been the nuts. It couldn't have been the tomato juice. It couldn't have been the potato chips. It couldn't have been the grapes. It couldn't have been the candy bar. It couldn't have been the pizza ... (that made her sick)." That's how I recognize I frequently feel after dinner. Yes, I ate fruits and veggies, but what about all the other junk I threw in on top of my dinner?

The end result is that I end up worrying about my eating going berserk while I do it anyway. As my niece would say, "Is that insane, or what?" Well, I'm always claiming that recognition is the first step and it's true. Now that I've recognized this insane behavior, I can choose to investigate it if I want. What I notice instantly when I investigate this eating pattern is that I feel anxious, ashamed, out of integrity, uncomfortably full and unsettled when I engage in it. I also feel disappointed in myself and my lack of progress toward leading a healthier lifestyle. Then, I get frustrated and I want to give up.

Does any of this sound familiar to you regarding some area of your life? It's not something unique to eating. It could be that you do this type of thing pertaining to your spending, or to your organizing, or to your working. Maybe you say that you want to save a certain amount of money each month, but then you fail to do so. Or perhaps you desire a decluttered home, but each evening and weekend finds you parked in front of the TV or out running around. It could be that you say you have a work goal you'd like to achieve and rather than planning out steps to take to achieve that goal, you spend time socializing with your coworkers.

The point of all of this is that our actions always speak louder than our words. Saying that I want one thing and taking actions that oppose that show me that I'm more committed to something else. To continue the investigation of my eating pattern, I asked myself, "What am I more committed to?" I'm more committed to instant gratification and to eating what I want when I want. (Don't tell me what to do! : ) The issue with this is that that kind of commitment nets me the same results ~ poorer health and uncomfortable feelings. The good news is that I get to choose the decisions that I make. I can choose differently if I'd like to experience different outcomes.

What can I do to help myself make different choices? Is there an action I can take or one I can stop taking that would make it easier for me to remember what I choose to head toward? Might it help if I posted a note in the kitchen that reminded me that health and wellness are a choice? Or would I benefit from not waiting until so late to eat so that I'm not as hungry once dinner rolls around? Maybe I want to journal about what I get out of eating whatever I want whenever I want. The possibilities are endless.

Call to Action: Pick one area in which you say you want one thing but your actions indicate that you're currently more committed to something else. Choose to pay attention to how you feel when you're engaging in one of the behaviors that leads you away from your stated goal. What thoughts go through your head? What are you more committed to than achieving your goal? Would you rather stay comfortable by doing what you've always done than risk changing? Finally, ask yourself what action you can take this week to help yourself make different choices. Do you need to enlist someone to help hold you accountable? Commit to taking whatever action comes up for you.

Remember: The truth is that your actions speak louder than your words. If you think or say that you want one thing but you keep taking actions that lead you away from that, you're really telling yourself what you're more committed to. Are you willing to investigate it? That's the first step toward change. Have fun!