More Smiles ~ October 2008

What’s Your Motivation?

The more conscious I become of my thoughts, words and actions, the more I recognize how much of my life is controlled by ‘shoulds’, ‘supposed to’s’, and ‘have to’s’. What I’m only just now realizing though is what’s behind those ‘shoulds’. By ‘behind’ I mean the thought that’s leading me to believe I ‘should’, am ‘supposed to’ or ‘must’ think, say or do something. The truth for me is that I’m now aware of two things that are behind a lot of my ‘shoulds’.

One of these two things is my desire to please people. This is where I believe that what I think, say or do makes somebody else happy or unhappy. Not only is this belief of mine untrue, but it’s irresponsible in that it has me constantly focusing my attention on what somebody else may or may not be thinking or feeling instead of on the one thing I can control and am responsible for ~ myself.

(See the May 2008 edition of More Smiles here on my blog for more on the topic of people-pleasing.)

The second thing that I’ve recently come to understand is behind many of my ‘shoulds’ is a previously unconscious bartering or trading. For me, this bartering is simply how things have always been done. For the past few years, I’ve been resisting bartering without knowing that that was what was going on. Let me explain. When I give someone a birthday present primarily because they gave me one for my birthday, I’m bartering. I’m not giving them a gift because I want to, like to or love to. I’m giving them a gift because I’ve been taught that it is polite to barter. I'm trading my gift for theirs. It’s an obligation. I think I should give them a gift since they bought me one. (In this instance, I'm also people-pleasing in that I don't want to hurt their feelings.)

So, I’ve been in the process of weeding the ‘shoulds’ out of my life and replacing them with authentic desires (my ‘want to’s’, ‘like to’s’ and ‘love to’s’). It feels so much better to me to be motivated by my pure desire to give to someone else, instead of my fear that I'd “better do it or else”. In the past, I was very busy moving through my life without being present in it and minding everybody else’s business. And, I didn’t take the time to first determine and then speak my truth.

All that has changed. I'm now more present or conscious than I ever have been. I endeavor to mind my own business. When I catch myself going on about somebody else in my thoughts or words, I stop and investigate how this is really about something I’m unhappy about in myself. I also take the time to determine my truth and I have the courage to speak it.

Does everyone in my life like the changes that they’re seeing in me? Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t asked. I like the changes.

Am I making other people throughout my life really happy now? Again, I haven’t asked. But, I’m sure that I’m happier and I know that it’s impossible for me to please everyone else anyway. Besides, they’re not my business. I am.

For me, this is all about responsibility ~ being responsible for myself and consciously moving through my days with clarity, intention and purpose. I used to be so worried about the ‘shoulds’, ‘supposed to’s’ and ‘have to’s’ that they overwhelmed my days and my thoughts. There was neither time nor energy left for the soul filling, joy producing ‘love to’s’. Besides, I didn’t believe that I deserved the ‘love to’s’ anyway. Now I know better. We each deserve to fill our days with thoughts, words and actions that express our love and that fill us with love as we think, say and do them.

Call to Action: What are your ‘love to’s’? Get quiet and make a list of them. If you struggle to come up with many, for one week at the end of each day write down what you thought, said or did that day that either expressed your love or filled you with love. (It’s also in giving that we receive.) When the week is over, commit to consciously choosing to do at least one of those ‘joy producers’ or ‘love to’s’ each day for the next week. Wouldn’t it be more fun to roll out of bed in the morning if you had one of those to look forward to every day?

Remember: The things you commit to don’t have to be expensive or time consuming thoughts, words or actions. It doesn’t take much time or cost a penny to think to yourself, “Awesome job!” for a project well done. It’s quick and free to hold your child on your lap while you read them a bedtime story. And who knows what difference the small donation of time or money that you offer to a charity will make?

Wonder

Rescue everyone.
From what?
From their own terrifying thoughts, from themselves.

I can't.

I can only release myself from my own frightening thoughts and beliefs,
And they can only release themselves from their terrifying thoughts and beliefs.
In liberating myself,
I show them a way, a path a possibility for themselves.
There is an alternative to the horrors we each put ourselves through every day with our scary and judgmental thoughts:
Question their validity and
In so doing, allow the thoughts to let go of you.

Be curious enough to wonder,
"Who is holding whom?"
Are you clinging to your thoughts for dear life, or
Are they clinging to you?