Do You Try to Change Like This?

I used to have an unconscious agenda to change other people. Naturally, since it was unconscious, I didn’t even know that it existed. If I loved somebody and perceived that they were hurting themselves, I wanted to step in and get them to take some action. In short, I wanted to make or get them to change.

My assumption was that they were living their life wrong or that they had a problem that needed to be fixed. And, because I’m a caring person, it was my responsibility to step in there and set them straight.

The thing is, most people I know would agree with that line of thinking. I should step in and try to help somehow, especially if the person involved is someone I know and care about. I no longer believe that that is true. I now understand that when I believe that I need to get somebody else to change, I’m coming from judgment which is motivated by fear. More and more I now choose to come from love instead of fear.

So now, when I recognize that I want to rush in and ‘help’ someone (for me this almost always means get THEM to change), I stop and ask myself what my line of thinking is that got me there. When I get back to my root judgmental belief that they are living their life wrong or have some problem, I ask myself what I’d think or do if that thought wasn’t true. I mean who am I to tell someone that they are living their life wrong and should be living it the way that I say they should? How they live their life is their business and how I live my life is my business.

Recognizing that I care about them, my question simply becomes, “How can I best show them that I care?” That’s all. Not, “How can I fix their problem?” Or, “What can I do to get them to change?” Just, “How can I best show them that I care?” Nothing else. No hidden or unconscious agenda. No belief that everything would be alright if they’d just BLANK, like I know they ‘should’.

I now get that I don’t have to try to change someone in order to be doing something to help. I can just do what I need to do to care for myself by showing them that I care. I can show up as the love that I am without trying to change anybody (or in other words, without showing up as fear and judgment).

In the past, I would’ve gotten myself all worked up running with scary scenarios of what might happen if I didn’t step in and get THEM to change. (Naturally, I always believed that they were the one who needed to change. Not ME. No, I was doing it right. They were the one who was wrong. Everybody would agree with me. Ask anyone. I didn’t need to take care of myself and mind my own business. They needed to change!) Then I’d take action to make them change or at least make myself crazy or sick trying to get them to change. Because, after all, if they would have only thought or acted differently, then everything would have been RIGHT. Instead, the way things were, everything was all WRONG. Couldn’t they see that?!

When this action that I believed was motivated by my love and my desire to help (but was actually motivated by my fear and judgment) didn’t work, I would have wondered why. Why were they still thinking and/or acting ‘wrong’?

When all along, the truth was that the one who needed to change, was the only one I could change anyway ~ MYSELF. All I needed to do was to quit judging them and do what I came here to do: Share my love with them.

It feels so much cleaner, more empowered, more loving and more positive to come from this place of love, acceptance and unearthing my unconscious agendas instead of judging somebody else. I don’t have to try to change someone in order to be doing something to help. I can just show up as the love that I am.