More Smiles ~ January 2009

How Are You Playing the Game?

I used to play this game that we call life in a way in which I could never win, in which I could never experience lasting peace or happiness. Let me describe it to you. Maybe it sounds familiar.

The premise of this game is that my life would be golden if other people would just think and act the way that I think they should. (If he didn’t drink, then I wouldn’t worry. If she wouldn’t complain, then I could be happy.) This game also involves a belief that I control other people’s emotions and actions. The objective of the game, therefore, becomes for me to do all that I can to make people think, act and feel the way that I think they should. As a result of this belief and the aforementioned objective, the overriding question in my life is, “What can I say or do to make them happy or to get them to do what I want?”

It’s an interesting game, but the truth of the matter is that it’s a fantasy that I control other people’s actions. Other people are totally outside my control and I can never get any of them, let alone all of them, to act the way that I think that they should. (I want to point out here that I certainly can and do influence other people. What I'm saying is that I don't get to decide how they respond to my influence.)

Not only that, but I don’t control anybody else’s thoughts or feelings. I cannot make my partner happy. I cannot make my boss like me. I cannot make my parents feel proud. I cannot make my friends peaceful. I am not inside their heads. I don’t get to pick and choose their responses to the events in their lives. Only they do.

I control one thing and one thing only ~ myself. That’s why I’m always encouraging myself and my clients (and my friends and my family members) to focus on themselves and their own needs. People don’t think, act and feel the way that I want them to. People think, act and feel the way that I need them to in order for me to learn what I need to learn from the situation. And what I need to learn always has to do with me and how I can take care of myself or show up in the world in more positive, accepting and loving ways.

This is a blessing. As they’re always telling us on aircrafts, “Put your own oxygen mask on first.” I can’t show up well for the others in my life when I’m not meeting my own basic needs. Plus, I teach by example. My actions really do speak louder than my words. It’s interesting to think about what my actions are teaching my loved ones about joy and self-care.

So, the fundamental flaw with playing the game of life this old way is the belief that I can control other people and the fact that my actions then have the agenda of trying to do just that. The root motivator of all my actions needs to be to take care of and please myself, not control somebody else and try to get them to feel, think or act the way I want them to. It’s fruitless. It’s a game I cannot win. So, I quit trying. Instead, I focus on what I can do to take good care of myself. That’s within my control. That’s a game I can not only win, but have fun playing.

Is it time for you to change your game? Are you willing?

Call to action: How are you playing the game of life? Are you so focused on others that your own wants and needs go unfulfilled moment after moment, week after week, and year after year? How do you feel when you do something that you really don’t want to do in an effort to please somebody else or get them to do what you want? Do you then feel happy, sad, mad or resentful? What loving thing do you need to do today to take care of yourself?

Remember: Other people always get to choose their own reactions and emotions, whether they do so consciously or not. You can only control yourself so it’s senseless to go through life doing things you don’t feel happy and eager to do in an effort to manage or manipulate somebody else. You can only please yourself. Start today.