What Holes Are in Your Sidewalk?
There's a fabulous poem in the book There's a hole in my sidewalk by Portia Nelson. Here's the poem:
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.
We all have holes in our sidewalks. They are the things that we repeatedly think, say and do that hold us back. One hole that many of us fall into is believing that our problems are caused by other people. When we have this belief, we then go about trying to fix or change others in order to be happy.
But other people aren't the problem. They aren't the hole in the sidewalk. Other people are the symptom. The problem, or hole, is what we think and believe. Our problem is that we believe that the thoughts, words and actions of others keep us from being happy. We believe that other people are responsible for how we feel. As long as we believe this, we only deal with the symptoms of our problems. We think that if somebody else changes, then we'll be happy.
So the real problem that most of us experience is that we believe we need to try to control and change the people around us in order to be happy. I'd be happy if he'd return my calls, she'd just apologize or he'd pick up after himself!
Not only is that all misdirected and untrue, it's futile. We can't possibly control or change our partners, spouses, bosses, parents, siblings, coworkers, friends, acquaintances or children.
There is only one person we can control or change, ourselves.
Someone I love dearly is an alcoholic. My problem isn't that they're an alcoholic. My problem is that I think they shouldn't be and that I'd be happy if they'd quit drinking. My problem is my perception, my thought, about their drinking.
That belief drives me to judge them and their drinking as bad and wrong. It keeps my focus off of myself, off of the problem, and on them, on the symptom. It keeps me powerless since I can never control them. I can influence them certainly, but never control them. In short, I'm in the hole in my sidewalk when I'm living in the hell of believing that they're wrong for what they're doing and that I'd be happy if they'd just change what they do.
For me to be happy then, I need to deal with the problem (my belief that their drinking makes me unhappy) not with the symptom (their drinking). To deal with the problem I need to:
1. Recognize that I have the belief. See the hole in my sidewalk.
2. Question the belief's validity. Understand that it's my 'fault' that I feel as I do.
3. Choose to alter my belief. Walk down another street.
Call to Action: Who or what are you blaming for how you feel? What would you have to be willing to change in order to experience some relief around that person or situation? What action can you take to start doing that, to begin living that change?
Remember: Your beliefs, not other people, drive your emotions. Rather than attempting to change others, debunk your beliefs in order to experience more love, peace and joy.
