The Road to Self-Love

Many of us go through life looking primarily at other people and external events. We spend most of our time and energy focusing on what has happened outside of us. Then we feel angry, afraid or sad about it and believe that the other person or the event caused us to feel that way.

But that is untrue, because nobody is inside of us telling us what to think or feel. That type of thinking also has us missing the point. I believe that the whole point in everything that we create in our external realities is to get us to look at, heal around and accept something about ourselves. We’ll never accomplish any of that by focusing on somebody or something else.

Why do we do it then? Why do we focus on others and on events instead of ourselves? I think it’s because it feels much safer and easier to point our fingers and to tell somebody else to change than it does to look at our own perceived short-comings and love ourselves for them. Plus, many of us have never been taught how to do that, how to be with, look at and love all of ourselves. We don’t have the tools. So, we keep doing what we know, what’s familiar and comfortable because we don’t know any other way.

It doesn’t serve us though, because again, we’re missing the point. Looking inside ourselves and at our own experience of the world is our chance to grow and to express the love that we are. There’s a famous Gandhi quote to “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I’ve modified it to “Be the love you wish to see in the world.” Start with yourself. When you love and embrace all of yourself, then you can love and embrace all of others, and your life becomes more peaceful and joy-filled to boot.

So, whenever you feel any strong negative emotion toward or about somebody or something else, turn your focus around. Bring it back to yourself. Look at and explore your actual emotions, how you feel. These include things like sad, mad and scared and derivatives of those, as opposed to, “I feel like….” Whenever you’ve added the word ‘like’, stop yourself. Whatever follows isn’t a feeling.

If you notice that you feel really angry about what somebody else is doing, pay attention to where that anger shows up in your body. What’s the sensation? In other words, how do you know that it’s anger that you’re feeling and not sadness instead? Is your jaw clenched? Is there a pressure in your chest? Whatever is going on isn’t wrong. You don’t need to try to change it. Just notice it. The anger that you thought you were feeling about or because of the other person actually lives inside of your body. It’s your anger. It affects you, not them. You created it and are living with it whether you choose to recognize it or not.

What thoughts go through your head about that anger? Are you bad and wrong to feel angry? Are you supposed to love everybody no matter what they may say or do? Does it feel safe to feel angry or do you feel afraid of it? Can you safely and healthfully express your anger?

When you are noticing yourself and the emotions that you’re feeling instead of continuing to focus on the external event or person and believing that they’re the source of your emotions, you’re starting to get the point. Whatever is going on, you created it to help yourself love some unloved part of yourself. It’s not even really about the other person or the event. Understand and live that and you’re on the road to self-discovery and self-love.

More Smiles ~ December 2009

Learning to Love Yourself

Something that all of us engage in at some time or other and are usually unaware of is projection. The way that it works is that you dump your own self-dislike onto others and experience it as, "They're wrong! They've done wrong!"

For example, maybe you can't stand your selfishness. You then see or hear somebody else being selfish and get extremely angry or hurt by it. The truth is that this is really an example of projection and it provides an excellent opportunity for you to notice your intense reaction, question what quality or characteristic is bothering you, and then take action to deal with it in yourself.

Projection has a huge cost in your life. It blocks you from personal responsibility, self-love, and growth. Like many other issues in your life, projection is birthed out of fear. The qualities or characteristics that you project are the ones that you are afraid to look at, be with or own in yourself. How could you possibly love yourself if you were selfish? Worse yet, how could anybody else possibly love you if you were selfish? So you hide that aspect of yourself, and run around noticing it and pointing it out in other people.

The solution is to quit being a victim and using others as your scapegoat, heaping your dislike and blame onto them instead of bringing love to those unwanted parts of yourself. The solution is to own your projections. You do this by recognizing when you're projecting and then uncovering and accepting that unwanted aspect within yourself. You know you're projecting when your response is more intense than the situation would seem to warrant. If you're simply informed by whatever is going on, you're not projecting. But when you go from feeling peaceful to extremely agitated in a heartbeat, notice it. You're projecting.

To figure out what quality or characteristic you're projecting, you only need to take a quiet moment to ask yourself what it is about the situation that has you upset. Once you know that, you're able to choose to bring unconditional love and acceptance to that part of yourself. When you're willing to bring that kind of compassion to yourself, you can then open to sharing that compassion with others. This is because you're no longer triggered by the previously unwanted aspect or characteristic in them. Now you're simply informed.

A common pitfall is to maintain that your intense reaction is justified and that it really is all about how wrong the other person is. When you're in that place, you're closed off to reality and to your own growth and evolution. The whole reason the situation exists is to help you expand into the love that you long to express more fully. Being willing to consider that you may really be feeling unhappy about something within yourself opens you to the possibility of greater self-love and growth.

I recently experienced projection concerning what is happening with Tiger Woods. The media has had a heyday with his infidelity. I noticed that I felt irrationally annoyed by all of this. I mean, yes he had made mistakes, but my take on it was that he and his family were in pain and were being kicked while they were down. It wasn't like each one of us hadn't made mistakes or done things that we'd later regretted. It was unkind to throw salt in his wounds.

Since I could go on and on about this, I was clearly triggered. I wasn't simply informed by it. When I got quiet and asked myself what part of the situation had me so upset the answer was immediate: They were being cruel. The question then became, "Am I willing to own that I am also cruel and to then bring unconditional love and acceptance to that cruel part of myself?" When I could do that, then I could live with the media's treatment of Tiger with greater ease. I was just informed by their words and actions and could accept them even while they were acting unkindly.

So, the truth is that when you can't stand a quality or aspect in somebody else, you're projecting. You really dislike that same aspect in yourself. You can continue to evolve and grow by recognizing this truth and bringing unconditional love and acceptance to that aspect. But, are you willing to do so? Are you willing to do whatever it would take to come to love and accept all of yourself?

It's not easy to do. It takes presence, willingness and courage. It takes a lot more courage to recognize and admit that there are parts of yourself that you don't like than it does to jump on the bandwagon and condemn others for their imperfections when you yourself are also imperfect, have also made mistakes and also simply want to experience lasting love, peace and joy.

Without this willingness to accept all aspects of yourself, you halt your evolution into the expression of the love that you are. You block yourself from experiencing your life's purpose - lasting love, peace and joy.

If you'd like help bringing unconditional love and acceptance to your projections, contact me. The first coaching session is always complimentary and you'll leave it with a plan of action to be compassionate with even the least liked parts of yourself. And when you accept something it becomes easier to change it if you so choose, because you're working with it instead of fighting against it.