Connected ~ August 2011

His Comment Made Me Angry Until I Learned the Truth

When I was about 12 years old, I overheard a guy in his late teens tell one of my friends that I had a “big butt”. I felt angry, sad and ashamed because of his comment. Or so I thought and believed.

The truth is that there was one more step nestled between his comment and my feelings. That step included my beliefs that it’s mean to say something unflattering about somebody, that “big butts” are unattractive and that he was right that I did have a “big butt”. Without those beliefs on my part, his comment might have just rolled right off of me instead of affecting my self-esteem for many years to come. In fact, if I had believed that “big butts” were desirable, I would have probably taken his comment as a compliment and felt happy and proud of myself!

So he didn’t create my feelings of anger, sadness and shame. Instead, my feelings were created by my thoughts and beliefs about his comment. Knowing and understanding all of that is liberating and empowering.

I control how I feel.

Your words and actions don’t create other people’s feelings. People create their own feelings based on their thoughts and beliefs.

The belief that what you say or do creates other people’s feelings is not only false, but also debilitating.

When you believe that your words and actions create other people’s feelings, it can keep you from being yourself out of fear of hurting somebody else’s feelings. So in an effort to keep from hurting someone else, you alter who are in subtle and not so subtle ways.

I maintain that this self-censoring, these alterations, can result in your authentic self being unknown, even by you. And this lack of being known can cause you to feel unfulfilled somehow or like you aren’t whole.

That’s why I believe that if you want to feel whole and fulfilled, it’s critical to remember the truth: Your thoughts, words and actions do not create other people’s feelings and theirs don’t create yours.

Until about five years ago, I was unaware of that extra step between that guy’s comment and my feelings. I believed that what other people felt, thought, said and did caused my feelings and I theirs.

Now that I know that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings, I’m much more likely to lovingly share my truth. This shows up as me sharing my preference when asked where I’d like to go out to eat or what movie I’d like to go and see. It also shows up in things like choosing to spend time with other people only when I want to as opposed to when I think I’m “supposed to” or I “should”.

Living this way puts me in greater integrity with myself. It’s that integrity, living in alignment with myself, that causes me to feel whole and fulfilled, and hence more peaceful and happy.

So I encourage you to notice the next time that you think or say, “They made me angry, sad, happy, afraid or some other emotion.” Is it true? What thought/s do you have nestled between what they felt, thought, said or did and your feelings? Can you see that it’s not somebody else’s words or actions that cause your peace and joy, that it’s actually your beliefs that create your peace and joy?

It’s not what’s happening out in the world around you that determines how you feel. It’s what’s happening within you, your thoughts and beliefs, that creates your emotions.

Connected ~ July 2011

Love

I believe that to look for love outside of yourself, hope for it, pray for it and calculate to get it is as foreign a concept as a fish in water being thirsty. The fish in the water isn’t thirsty because it’s swimming in water, comprised of water and has water flowing through it. Just as you’re swimming in love, comprised of love and have love flowing through you.

It’s impossible to not be loved because love is what you are. Yet many of us wander through life basically asking, “Excuse me, will you love me? Will you? I’ll jump through whatever hoops you devise, and become whoever and whatever you say I must if only you’ll love me.”

Every thought, belief, feeling, place, event and person is comprised of love regardless of how it looks or seems. You are love. He is love. She is love. We are love. It is love. They are love.

And that love is infinite. Love flows in an unending stream from everyone and everything, to everyone and everything, and through everyone and everything. There’s only one thing and it’s love.

That’s why there are no enemies and everyone is on your side. There is now, always has been and always will be only love. Your partner is leaving to start a new life? Love. Your job is going away? Love. You live in fear that you’re not enough, unlovable, bad or wrong? Love again.

It’s all love.

So take the time to rise above whatever situation is causing you grief right now and to find the love in it. I assure you that it’s there.

What if...

What if you quit making everybody wrong, even yourself?

What if instead, you made or believed that everybody was right, even yourself? Because that’s the truth: Everybody is right.

It’s impossible for you or anybody else to do anything wrong, because everything is for your highest good. When you operate, live and see the world from this perspective, deep peace is invited into your life.

Connected ~ April 2011

Life Experiences

The events of life are never meant to tear you down. Everything that happens is for your benefit. It's all in service to you, designed to propel you forward, to help you embrace life and exclaim, "Yes! Thank you!"

If the only conclusion you draw from a life experience is a negative one, I believe that you've missed the point, because experiences are always positive, supportive and empowering. The Universe, God, Love, or Spirit never works against you.

Everyone and everything is on your side to help you be happy, wise and fulfilled.

If all it took in order to be happy, wise and fulfilled was the experiences themselves, then the older anyone got, the happier, wiser and more fulfilled they'd be. But that's not the case. It takes more than simply amassing experiences to live life well. It takes moments of quiet reflection on how everything you've experienced has benefited you.

Without such reflection, life lacks depth and meaning: It's superficial. And the world can seem like a hostile place.

Through individual life coaching, I help you to reflect on the events of your life and to uncover new possibilities regarding those events, to know your Self. Contact me to experience the gift of coaching and to start embracing all of life.

Blessings,

Jill

The Life of Love

The Buddha pointed out that, "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened."

Similarly, sharing the love that wells up from within you will not diminish the strength or quantity of your love. In fact, I'd maintain that sharing your love does the opposite ~ it amplifies it within you.

So I encourage you to be the love you wish to see in the world.

What do you choose?

Namaste,

Jill

Connected ~ January 2011

Where Responsibility Ends

One of the things that I teach, and practice in my own life, is responsibility. It's a very empowering state of being. For me, responsibility is the opposite of victimhood. It means owning that you and you alone are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions.

It's possible to unwittingly go the other way with responsibility though. It's possible to start blaming yourself for things that were not your doing. This often happens regarding alcohol and other drug addictions of loved ones, being raped or verbally or physically abused, the death of a loved one, or having loved ones who don't seem to act in their own highest good.

Claiming responsibility for things such as those is actually disempowering and irresponsible. It assigns blame where there's none to be found. You do not cause somebody else's actions. You never have and you never will. Yes, you can influence or affect what others do, but that's it. The addict, rapist, abuser, deceased or self-sabotaging individual acted on their own. You can't prevent their behavior just as you can't take aspirin to make their headache go away.

One of the most self-loving, empowering and responsible things you can do then, is to release your guilt over all the things that are not directly within your control. Forgive yourself for owning somebody else's behavior as your own, as your fault. Then forgive yourself for all of your shame-filled thoughts, words and actions, those things that are actually within your control. Then forgive others for theirs.

There's a very straightforward exercise that can help with all of this forgiveness. Simply take out a piece of paper and write until you can readily think of nothing else to put down, "I forgive myself for ____." Start every sentence with those words and each time fill in the blank with something new. No thought, word or action is either too significant or too insignificant to be forgiven.

May you dwell in peace,

Jill

Control Issues

You're not bad or wrong to want to try to control things. We all do it to some degree or another. What I've found is that trying to control things is an attempt to feel safe.

It becomes problematic when the things you're trying to control are outside of your control. So basically, anytime that you're trying to manage the environment, situations or other people you're out of luck. They're totally outside of your power. While you can do things to influence everything else, it's very draining, exhausting even.

I've said it before and I'm sure that I'll say it again (being a self-proclaimed control freak): The only thing you can control is yourself. And you already know how difficult or even impossible that can seem at times! Like when you've resolved to eat more whole foods and find yourself reaching for chocolate cake to comfort yourself yet again...

What can you do short of running around trying to micromanage the rest of the Universe and policing your every thought, word and action? I invite you to try bringing love, gentleness, compassion and nurturing to that part of yourself that feels threatened and afraid.

Simply recognizing that you feel threatened and afraid is a huge first step. Then you can bring that love, gentleness, compassion and nurturing into play. Ask yourself what you'd like, what you can do in this moment in order to feel safer. Then give it to yourself just as you would a small frightened child.

So the next time that you find yourself trying to control the uncontrollable, use that as an indicator that you're feeling threatened or afraid. Then stop and ask yourself what you're afraid of. Taking action based on your actual fear is dealing with the cause instead of the symptom, and it tends to be more effective.

Consider More Than Just Your Fears

If the idea of taking part in an Experiential Spirituality Course where we try out a variety of spiritual practices like Meditation, Drum Circle, Four Bowl Zen Meal and Foot Washing sounds interesting to you, then I invite you to do just that: Consider more than just your fears concerning it.

Last fall I had the opportunity to take part in a spirituality course. While something about it interested me and tugged at me to participate, I felt scared. It would have been easy to listen only to my fears about it and leave it there, but I've learned to pay attention to my gut and to consider more than just my fears about a situation. I've learned to also consider the real costs of not acting and the possible payoffs of acting. This creates a much more accurate picture of the possibilities than looking at just my fears (which may turn out to be false or may never come to pass) ever could. Because I now consider the bigger picture, I end up taking more scary actions and feeling greater peace, joy and fulfillment as a result.

For the course, I felt afraid that it could be a scam. I'd never even heard of the course, the person offering it, or some of the practices being explored. The whole thing sounded strange. What kind of a person would participate in a course like that? Maybe the instructor would take my money and I'd never see her or hear from her again. Or maybe she'd actually lead the course but wouldn't know what she was talking about. Or maybe she'd know what she was talking about but none of the practices would seem of value to me, so I'd have wasted my time...

It used to be that my thoughts about it would have ended there and I wouldn't have signed up. I'd have stayed home feeling safe but somehow unfulfilled.

Knowing that my fears alone don't paint the whole picture, I considered some of the costs of not participating in the course. Yes by not participating I might have felt safer, but at what expense? At the cost of feeling fully alive and fulfilled. Plus, I would have never known for sure that it hadn't been a scam, the instructor did know her stuff and there were many valuable spiritual practices in there that spoke to me. Among other things, I wouldn't have learned what Dances of Universal Peace are and how fun and connecting I find them, how grounding and insightful walking a labyrinth can be and that many of my beliefs come from Native American traditions.

Before signing up, I also took into account some of the possible payoffs of participating in the course. I might learn fun and effective new ways to connect with Self/Source/the stillness within and to experience greater peace. I could meet some amazing new people. I'd get to have a date night once a week with my partner (who was also interested in taking the course).

Since I did actually participate in the course, I learned that there was another perk I hadn't known was possible: The instructor asked willing participants to continue to share these practices with others by facilitating their own spirituality courses. As a result, I feel excited to be offering my own Experiential Spirituality Course in February and March.

Now the choice is yours. Do you feel a pull to participate? What are the real costs of not listening to that pull and not taking the course?

What might you gain by listening to that desire to take part and actually participating in the course?

For me, taking the course was the right action. What's right for you?

With that in mind, are you willing to act?

To learn more and to register, click on this link: Experiential Spirituality Course.

In joy,

Jill

Connected ~ December 2010

Living Peace

There's a very simple and loving practice that I picked up from a book by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. It helps me to love all of myself, especially those parts that I deem bad or wrong.

All that you do is notice when you feel guilty, ashamed, angry or sad, any 'negative' emotion. Then say to yourself, "I love myself for feeling (the 'negative' emotion)." So, I love myself for feeling guilty that I'm writing this instead of cleaning the kitchen.

They aren't just empty words. There's truth behind them. I really do love myself for feeling guilty that I'm not cleaning the kitchen. My guilt shows me that I care about being a contributing member of my relationship with my partner, that I value our commitment to work together and support one another in many different ways.

My experience has been that I used to be my own worst enemy. I was consistently beating myself up and making myself wrong, being my own worst judge or critic. When I felt angry with someone I then made myself wrong for feeling that way and ended up feeling ashamed about my anger. The negativity and judgment would snowball. There was a constant war within me.

Now, when I recognize that I'm feeling guilty, ashamed, angry or sad, I remind myself that I truly do love myself for feeling that way. I love myself for all of my feelings. I'm never wrong for how I feel and neither are you. My 'negative' emotions show my empathy and compassion, that I care about just and loving treatment.

Are you open to seeing and loving the gifts of your 'negative' feelings? Doing so has the potential to bring peace to the war within. What might be possible for you if you experienced greater peace?

With love,

Jill

Connected ~ October 2010

The Gift of Change

Hello again!

This past spring, my partner was diagnosed with cancer and I stopped much of my business activities in order to do all that I could to be there to support her. She has since been declared cancer free and her time in the hospital and recuperating is complete, for which we feel exceedingly grateful.

The effects of this experience haven't ended though, and they are quite a blessing as well. I'm seeing them in both my personal and professional life. Personally, both my partner and I exercise aerobically more consistently, eat lots more whole and organic foods, use fewer chemicals in our personal care products and are exploring a variety of meditative techniques.

Also, I've been allowing my heart or inner wisdom to guide much of my life for many years now. It has allowed me to consciously move toward greater self-acceptance and authentic self-expression. After this reminder of the frailty of life, it has become clear that the time is right for me to allow it to run my business as well. Consequently, much of my business is changing too. While many of the changes are seemingly minor, they are all the result of me allowing those things that are no longer in alignment with my purpose and my mission to fall away.

The differences you might most readily notice include the name of this e-zine changing to 'Connected', which better reflects what my coaching is all about ~ authentic connection with Self, Source and others. Plus, the e-zine is no longer monthly. It just is. It is sent out when it's ready. It had always been something that just flowed out of me whenever it needed shared (as opposed to, "Now I must sit down and write my newsletter!"). It's just that now I give myself permission to let go of any time requirements around it.

Secondly, I'm discontinuing the Ask the Expert teleseminars. I'm called in another direction and despite not knowing what may come of that, I choose to lovingly bring the teleseminars to a close.

I've already resumed getting my book ready for publication, and making blog and facebook posts as things come up that call to be shared in those ways. I also plan to continue coaching one on one, presenting to groups and leading my monthly book discussion ~ which I'm now calling 'Genuine Connection' since that new name better reflects what the gathering is about. (We've never discussed books there. We share about questions raised by the stories within them.)

In addition, my website is being reworked so please bear with me through the changes here as well. It will be more interactive, up to date and informative ~ the 'one stop shop for Altman Life Coaching' so to speak.

Finally, I'm currently training in a spirituality program that I intend to offer early next year.

Thank you for your patience and understanding during this exciting time.

May you embrace the changes in your life with ease and grace,

Jill

More Smiles ~ May 2010

Change Your Focus

You can't control anyone except yourself.

Yet, how often do you attempt to get somebody else to do what you want in an effort to have reality match your inner picture? It's futile since ultimately each of us always gets to do as we choose in every moment (barring being physically restrained or subjugated in some way).

So what can you do when outer reality and your belief of how things should look are diametrically opposed?

When you want your spouse to quit smoking and they haven't? When you want your sibling to hold down a steady job and they don't? When you want your adult child to practice safe sex and they aren't?

You can complain about it to everyone who will listen. You can harp at them to change, to do what you want them to do. You can punish the behavior you don't want and reward the one you do want. You can bend over backwards trying to help them get, be or do what you want for them.

But in the end, if they haven't also bought into whatever it is that you want for them, whatever you do in an effort to have reality match your inner picture will be short lived at best. They'll change if and when they're ready and no sooner. Which could be never. And you'll be back to feeling the anger, disappointment, frustration or fear associated with things not being the way you want.

The question remains then, what can you do if you're committed to experiencing more peace, love and joy and you've been trying in vain to get your spouse to quit smoking? Harping hasn't worked. Hiding their cigarettes hasn't worked. Telling them about upcoming smoking cessation classes hasn't worked.

I'd suggest that in those instances where you want something for somebody else that they clearly don't want as much if at all for themselves, you can choose to change your focus. (You know when somebody isn't committed to something because they don't consistently take the actions needed to bring it about in their life.) By changing your focus I mean that you can move your attention off of them and what they could be doing to make you happier, and onto yourself and what you could be doing to make yourself happier.

Shift from what you want them to do (which is totally outside of your control), to what you choose to do in order to take care of yourself (which is totally within your control). It's important to point out here that the intention behind your action can't be about trying to manipulate or change them. If it is, you're still focused on them. The intention behind your action needs to be about taking care of yourself in light of what is happening externally.

Which means that if you're tortured by your spouse's smoking, you stop trying to get them to quit smoking and start taking care of your own needs. How do you feel? Are you worried about your health because of the effects of second hand smoke? What action could you take to help yourself experience greater peace concerning your health?

Again, this isn't about them being 'wrong' for smoking and you trying to get them to quit when they don't want to. That just leads to conflict. This is about you stepping out of thinking in terms of right versus wrong, and into focusing on lovingly taking care of yourself.

By this simple act of switching your attention off of somebody else and onto yourself, you can start to experience more of the peace, love, joy and fulfillment that you long for. That's because when you focus on changing yourself, the only thing you can control, you're no longer a victim and are instead in command of your own happiness.

If you're more committed to peace, love and joy than you are to being right, try focusing on yourself for a change and see what happens.

To get some support in switching your attention off of trying in vain to get somebody else to change, contact me about being coached.

Namaste,

Jill