More Smiles ~ May 2010

Change Your Focus

You can't control anyone except yourself.

Yet, how often do you attempt to get somebody else to do what you want in an effort to have reality match your inner picture? It's futile since ultimately each of us always gets to do as we choose in every moment (barring being physically restrained or subjugated in some way).

So what can you do when outer reality and your belief of how things should look are diametrically opposed?

When you want your spouse to quit smoking and they haven't? When you want your sibling to hold down a steady job and they don't? When you want your adult child to practice safe sex and they aren't?

You can complain about it to everyone who will listen. You can harp at them to change, to do what you want them to do. You can punish the behavior you don't want and reward the one you do want. You can bend over backwards trying to help them get, be or do what you want for them.

But in the end, if they haven't also bought into whatever it is that you want for them, whatever you do in an effort to have reality match your inner picture will be short lived at best. They'll change if and when they're ready and no sooner. Which could be never. And you'll be back to feeling the anger, disappointment, frustration or fear associated with things not being the way you want.

The question remains then, what can you do if you're committed to experiencing more peace, love and joy and you've been trying in vain to get your spouse to quit smoking? Harping hasn't worked. Hiding their cigarettes hasn't worked. Telling them about upcoming smoking cessation classes hasn't worked.

I'd suggest that in those instances where you want something for somebody else that they clearly don't want as much if at all for themselves, you can choose to change your focus. (You know when somebody isn't committed to something because they don't consistently take the actions needed to bring it about in their life.) By changing your focus I mean that you can move your attention off of them and what they could be doing to make you happier, and onto yourself and what you could be doing to make yourself happier.

Shift from what you want them to do (which is totally outside of your control), to what you choose to do in order to take care of yourself (which is totally within your control). It's important to point out here that the intention behind your action can't be about trying to manipulate or change them. If it is, you're still focused on them. The intention behind your action needs to be about taking care of yourself in light of what is happening externally.

Which means that if you're tortured by your spouse's smoking, you stop trying to get them to quit smoking and start taking care of your own needs. How do you feel? Are you worried about your health because of the effects of second hand smoke? What action could you take to help yourself experience greater peace concerning your health?

Again, this isn't about them being 'wrong' for smoking and you trying to get them to quit when they don't want to. That just leads to conflict. This is about you stepping out of thinking in terms of right versus wrong, and into focusing on lovingly taking care of yourself.

By this simple act of switching your attention off of somebody else and onto yourself, you can start to experience more of the peace, love, joy and fulfillment that you long for. That's because when you focus on changing yourself, the only thing you can control, you're no longer a victim and are instead in command of your own happiness.

If you're more committed to peace, love and joy than you are to being right, try focusing on yourself for a change and see what happens.

To get some support in switching your attention off of trying in vain to get somebody else to change, contact me about being coached.

Namaste,

Jill