Connected ~ January 2011

Where Responsibility Ends

One of the things that I teach, and practice in my own life, is responsibility. It's a very empowering state of being. For me, responsibility is the opposite of victimhood. It means owning that you and you alone are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions.

It's possible to unwittingly go the other way with responsibility though. It's possible to start blaming yourself for things that were not your doing. This often happens regarding alcohol and other drug addictions of loved ones, being raped or verbally or physically abused, the death of a loved one, or having loved ones who don't seem to act in their own highest good.

Claiming responsibility for things such as those is actually disempowering and irresponsible. It assigns blame where there's none to be found. You do not cause somebody else's actions. You never have and you never will. Yes, you can influence or affect what others do, but that's it. The addict, rapist, abuser, deceased or self-sabotaging individual acted on their own. You can't prevent their behavior just as you can't take aspirin to make their headache go away.

One of the most self-loving, empowering and responsible things you can do then, is to release your guilt over all the things that are not directly within your control. Forgive yourself for owning somebody else's behavior as your own, as your fault. Then forgive yourself for all of your shame-filled thoughts, words and actions, those things that are actually within your control. Then forgive others for theirs.

There's a very straightforward exercise that can help with all of this forgiveness. Simply take out a piece of paper and write until you can readily think of nothing else to put down, "I forgive myself for ____." Start every sentence with those words and each time fill in the blank with something new. No thought, word or action is either too significant or too insignificant to be forgiven.

May you dwell in peace,

Jill

Control Issues

You're not bad or wrong to want to try to control things. We all do it to some degree or another. What I've found is that trying to control things is an attempt to feel safe.

It becomes problematic when the things you're trying to control are outside of your control. So basically, anytime that you're trying to manage the environment, situations or other people you're out of luck. They're totally outside of your power. While you can do things to influence everything else, it's very draining, exhausting even.

I've said it before and I'm sure that I'll say it again (being a self-proclaimed control freak): The only thing you can control is yourself. And you already know how difficult or even impossible that can seem at times! Like when you've resolved to eat more whole foods and find yourself reaching for chocolate cake to comfort yourself yet again...

What can you do short of running around trying to micromanage the rest of the Universe and policing your every thought, word and action? I invite you to try bringing love, gentleness, compassion and nurturing to that part of yourself that feels threatened and afraid.

Simply recognizing that you feel threatened and afraid is a huge first step. Then you can bring that love, gentleness, compassion and nurturing into play. Ask yourself what you'd like, what you can do in this moment in order to feel safer. Then give it to yourself just as you would a small frightened child.

So the next time that you find yourself trying to control the uncontrollable, use that as an indicator that you're feeling threatened or afraid. Then stop and ask yourself what you're afraid of. Taking action based on your actual fear is dealing with the cause instead of the symptom, and it tends to be more effective.