His Comment Made Me Angry Until I Learned the Truth
When I was about 12 years old, I overheard a guy in his late teens tell one of my friends that I had a “big butt”. I felt angry, sad and ashamed because of his comment. Or so I thought and believed.
The truth is that there was one more step nestled between his comment and my feelings. That step included my beliefs that it’s mean to say something unflattering about somebody, that “big butts” are unattractive and that he was right that I did have a “big butt”. Without those beliefs on my part, his comment might have just rolled right off of me instead of affecting my self-esteem for many years to come. In fact, if I had believed that “big butts” were desirable, I would have probably taken his comment as a compliment and felt happy and proud of myself!
So he didn’t create my feelings of anger, sadness and shame. Instead, my feelings were created by my thoughts and beliefs about his comment. Knowing and understanding all of that is liberating and empowering.
I control how I feel.
Your words and actions don’t create other people’s feelings. People create their own feelings based on their thoughts and beliefs.
The belief that what you say or do creates other people’s feelings is not only false, but also debilitating.
When you believe that your words and actions create other people’s feelings, it can keep you from being yourself out of fear of hurting somebody else’s feelings. So in an effort to keep from hurting someone else, you alter who are in subtle and not so subtle ways.
I maintain that this self-censoring, these alterations, can result in your authentic self being unknown, even by you. And this lack of being known can cause you to feel unfulfilled somehow or like you aren’t whole.
That’s why I believe that if you want to feel whole and fulfilled, it’s critical to remember the truth: Your thoughts, words and actions do not create other people’s feelings and theirs don’t create yours.
Until about five years ago, I was unaware of that extra step between that guy’s comment and my feelings. I believed that what other people felt, thought, said and did caused my feelings and I theirs.
Now that I know that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings, I’m much more likely to lovingly share my truth. This shows up as me sharing my preference when asked where I’d like to go out to eat or what movie I’d like to go and see. It also shows up in things like choosing to spend time with other people only when I want to as opposed to when I think I’m “supposed to” or I “should”.
Living this way puts me in greater integrity with myself. It’s that integrity, living in alignment with myself, that causes me to feel whole and fulfilled, and hence more peaceful and happy.
So I encourage you to notice the next time that you think or say, “They made me angry, sad, happy, afraid or some other emotion.” Is it true? What thought/s do you have nestled between what they felt, thought, said or did and your feelings? Can you see that it’s not somebody else’s words or actions that cause your peace and joy, that it’s actually your beliefs that create your peace and joy?
It’s not what’s happening out in the world around you that determines how you feel. It’s what’s happening within you, your thoughts and beliefs, that creates your emotions.
