Altman Life Coaching

Connected ~ August 2011

2011-09-30T14:36:00.002-04:00

His Comment Made Me Angry Until I Learned the Truth

When I was about 12 years old, I overheard a guy in his late teens tell one of my friends that I had a “big butt”. I felt angry, sad and ashamed because of his comment. Or so I thought and believed.

The truth is that there was one more step nestled between his comment and my feelings. That step included my beliefs that it’s mean to say something unflattering about somebody, that “big butts” are unattractive and that he was right that I did have a “big butt”. Without those beliefs on my part, his comment might have just rolled right off of me instead of affecting my self-esteem for many years to come. In fact, if I had believed that “big butts” were desirable, I would have probably taken his comment as a compliment and felt happy and proud of myself!

So he didn’t create my feelings of anger, sadness and shame. Instead, my feelings were created by my thoughts and beliefs about his comment. Knowing and understanding all of that is liberating and empowering.

I control how I feel.

Your words and actions don’t create other people’s feelings. People create their own feelings based on their thoughts and beliefs.

The belief that what you say or do creates other people’s feelings is not only false, but also debilitating.

When you believe that your words and actions create other people’s feelings, it can keep you from being yourself out of fear of hurting somebody else’s feelings. So in an effort to keep from hurting someone else, you alter who are in subtle and not so subtle ways.

I maintain that this self-censoring, these alterations, can result in your authentic self being unknown, even by you. And this lack of being known can cause you to feel unfulfilled somehow or like you aren’t whole.

That’s why I believe that if you want to feel whole and fulfilled, it’s critical to remember the truth: Your thoughts, words and actions do not create other people’s feelings and theirs don’t create yours.

Until about five years ago, I was unaware of that extra step between that guy’s comment and my feelings. I believed that what other people felt, thought, said and did caused my feelings and I theirs.

Now that I know that I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings, I’m much more likely to lovingly share my truth. This shows up as me sharing my preference when asked where I’d like to go out to eat or what movie I’d like to go and see. It also shows up in things like choosing to spend time with other people only when I want to as opposed to when I think I’m “supposed to” or I “should”.

Living this way puts me in greater integrity with myself. It’s that integrity, living in alignment with myself, that causes me to feel whole and fulfilled, and hence more peaceful and happy.

So I encourage you to notice the next time that you think or say, “They made me angry, sad, happy, afraid or some other emotion.” Is it true? What thought/s do you have nestled between what they felt, thought, said or did and your feelings? Can you see that it’s not somebody else’s words or actions that cause your peace and joy, that it’s actually your beliefs that create your peace and joy?

It’s not what’s happening out in the world around you that determines how you feel. It’s what’s happening within you, your thoughts and beliefs, that creates your emotions.

Connected ~ July 2011

2011-08-30T14:31:00.001-04:00

Love

I believe that to look for love outside of yourself, hope for it, pray for it and calculate to get it is as foreign a concept as a fish in water being thirsty. The fish in the water isn’t thirsty because it’s swimming in water, comprised of water and has water flowing through it. Just as you’re swimming in love, comprised of love and have love flowing through you.

It’s impossible to not be loved because love is what you are. Yet many of us wander through life basically asking, “Excuse me, will you love me? Will you? I’ll jump through whatever hoops you devise, and become whoever and whatever you say I must if only you’ll love me.”

Every thought, belief, feeling, place, event and person is comprised of love regardless of how it looks or seems. You are love. He is love. She is love. We are love. It is love. They are love.

And that love is infinite. Love flows in an unending stream from everyone and everything, to everyone and everything, and through everyone and everything. There’s only one thing and it’s love.

That’s why there are no enemies and everyone is on your side. There is now, always has been and always will be only love. Your partner is leaving to start a new life? Love. Your job is going away? Love. You live in fear that you’re not enough, unlovable, bad or wrong? Love again.

It’s all love.

So take the time to rise above whatever situation is causing you grief right now and to find the love in it. I assure you that it’s there.

What if...

2011-08-15T14:30:00.000-04:00

What if you quit making everybody wrong, even yourself?

What if instead, you made or believed that everybody was right, even yourself? Because that’s the truth: Everybody is right.

It’s impossible for you or anybody else to do anything wrong, because everything is for your highest good. When you operate, live and see the world from this perspective, deep peace is invited into your life.

Connected ~ April 2011

2011-05-23T14:45:00.001-04:00

Life Experiences

The events of life are never meant to tear you down. Everything that happens is for your benefit. It's all in service to you, designed to propel you forward, to help you embrace life and exclaim, "Yes! Thank you!"

If the only conclusion you draw from a life experience is a negative one, I believe that you've missed the point, because experiences are always positive, supportive and empowering. The Universe, God, Love, or Spirit never works against you.

Everyone and everything is on your side to help you be happy, wise and fulfilled.

If all it took in order to be happy, wise and fulfilled was the experiences themselves, then the older anyone got, the happier, wiser and more fulfilled they'd be. But that's not the case. It takes more than simply amassing experiences to live life well. It takes moments of quiet reflection on how everything you've experienced has benefited you.

Without such reflection, life lacks depth and meaning: It's superficial. And the world can seem like a hostile place.

Through individual life coaching, I help you to reflect on the events of your life and to uncover new possibilities regarding those events, to know your Self. Contact me to experience the gift of coaching and to start embracing all of life.

Blessings,

Jill

The Life of Love

2011-03-06T12:03:00.004-05:00

The Buddha pointed out that, "Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened."

Similarly, sharing the love that wells up from within you will not diminish the strength or quantity of your love. In fact, I'd maintain that sharing your love does the opposite ~ it amplifies it within you.

So I encourage you to be the love you wish to see in the world.

What do you choose?

Namaste,

Jill

Connected ~ January 2011

2011-02-10T13:22:00.007-05:00

Where Responsibility Ends

One of the things that I teach, and practice in my own life, is responsibility. It's a very empowering state of being. For me, responsibility is the opposite of victimhood. It means owning that you and you alone are responsible for your thoughts, words and actions.

It's possible to unwittingly go the other way with responsibility though. It's possible to start blaming yourself for things that were not your doing. This often happens regarding alcohol and other drug addictions of loved ones, being raped or verbally or physically abused, the death of a loved one, or having loved ones who don't seem to act in their own highest good.

Claiming responsibility for things such as those is actually disempowering and irresponsible. It assigns blame where there's none to be found. You do not cause somebody else's actions. You never have and you never will. Yes, you can influence or affect what others do, but that's it. The addict, rapist, abuser, deceased or self-sabotaging individual acted on their own. You can't prevent their behavior just as you can't take aspirin to make their headache go away.

One of the most self-loving, empowering and responsible things you can do then, is to release your guilt over all the things that are not directly within your control. Forgive yourself for owning somebody else's behavior as your own, as your fault. Then forgive yourself for all of your shame-filled thoughts, words and actions, those things that are actually within your control. Then forgive others for theirs.

There's a very straightforward exercise that can help with all of this forgiveness. Simply take out a piece of paper and write until you can readily think of nothing else to put down, "I forgive myself for ____." Start every sentence with those words and each time fill in the blank with something new. No thought, word or action is either too significant or too insignificant to be forgiven.

May you dwell in peace,

Jill

Control Issues

2011-02-10T13:05:00.012-05:00

You're not bad or wrong to want to try to control things. We all do it to some degree or another. What I've found is that trying to control things is an attempt to feel safe.

It becomes problematic when the things you're trying to control are outside of your control. So basically, anytime that you're trying to manage the environment, situations or other people you're out of luck. They're totally outside of your power. While you can do things to influence everything else, it's very draining, exhausting even.

I've said it before and I'm sure that I'll say it again (being a self-proclaimed control freak): The only thing you can control is yourself. And you already know how difficult or even impossible that can seem at times! Like when you've resolved to eat more whole foods and find yourself reaching for chocolate cake to comfort yourself yet again...

What can you do short of running around trying to micromanage the rest of the Universe and policing your every thought, word and action? I invite you to try bringing love, gentleness, compassion and nurturing to that part of yourself that feels threatened and afraid.

Simply recognizing that you feel threatened and afraid is a huge first step. Then you can bring that love, gentleness, compassion and nurturing into play. Ask yourself what you'd like, what you can do in this moment in order to feel safer. Then give it to yourself just as you would a small frightened child.

So the next time that you find yourself trying to control the uncontrollable, use that as an indicator that you're feeling threatened or afraid. Then stop and ask yourself what you're afraid of. Taking action based on your actual fear is dealing with the cause instead of the symptom, and it tends to be more effective.

Consider More Than Just Your Fears

2011-01-21T17:23:00.003-05:00

If the idea of taking part in an Experiential Spirituality Course where we try out a variety of spiritual practices like Meditation, Drum Circle, Four Bowl Zen Meal and Foot Washing sounds interesting to you, then I invite you to do just that: Consider more than just your fears concerning it.

Last fall I had the opportunity to take part in a spirituality course. While something about it interested me and tugged at me to participate, I felt scared. It would have been easy to listen only to my fears about it and leave it there, but I've learned to pay attention to my gut and to consider more than just my fears about a situation. I've learned to also consider the real costs of not acting and the possible payoffs of acting. This creates a much more accurate picture of the possibilities than looking at just my fears (which may turn out to be false or may never come to pass) ever could. Because I now consider the bigger picture, I end up taking more scary actions and feeling greater peace, joy and fulfillment as a result.

For the course, I felt afraid that it could be a scam. I'd never even heard of the course, the person offering it, or some of the practices being explored. The whole thing sounded strange. What kind of a person would participate in a course like that? Maybe the instructor would take my money and I'd never see her or hear from her again. Or maybe she'd actually lead the course but wouldn't know what she was talking about. Or maybe she'd know what she was talking about but none of the practices would seem of value to me, so I'd have wasted my time...

It used to be that my thoughts about it would have ended there and I wouldn't have signed up. I'd have stayed home feeling safe but somehow unfulfilled.

Knowing that my fears alone don't paint the whole picture, I considered some of the costs of not participating in the course. Yes by not participating I might have felt safer, but at what expense? At the cost of feeling fully alive and fulfilled. Plus, I would have never known for sure that it hadn't been a scam, the instructor did know her stuff and there were many valuable spiritual practices in there that spoke to me. Among other things, I wouldn't have learned what Dances of Universal Peace are and how fun and connecting I find them, how grounding and insightful walking a labyrinth can be and that many of my beliefs come from Native American traditions.

Before signing up, I also took into account some of the possible payoffs of participating in the course. I might learn fun and effective new ways to connect with Self/Source/the stillness within and to experience greater peace. I could meet some amazing new people. I'd get to have a date night once a week with my partner (who was also interested in taking the course).

Since I did actually participate in the course, I learned that there was another perk I hadn't known was possible: The instructor asked willing participants to continue to share these practices with others by facilitating their own spirituality courses. As a result, I feel excited to be offering my own Experiential Spirituality Course in February and March.

Now the choice is yours. Do you feel a pull to participate? What are the real costs of not listening to that pull and not taking the course?

What might you gain by listening to that desire to take part and actually participating in the course?

For me, taking the course was the right action. What's right for you?

With that in mind, are you willing to act?

To learn more and to register, click on this link: Experiential Spirituality Course.

In joy,

Jill

Connected ~ December 2010

2011-01-21T17:20:00.001-05:00

Living Peace

There's a very simple and loving practice that I picked up from a book by Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks. It helps me to love all of myself, especially those parts that I deem bad or wrong.

All that you do is notice when you feel guilty, ashamed, angry or sad, any 'negative' emotion. Then say to yourself, "I love myself for feeling (the 'negative' emotion)." So, I love myself for feeling guilty that I'm writing this instead of cleaning the kitchen.

They aren't just empty words. There's truth behind them. I really do love myself for feeling guilty that I'm not cleaning the kitchen. My guilt shows me that I care about being a contributing member of my relationship with my partner, that I value our commitment to work together and support one another in many different ways.

My experience has been that I used to be my own worst enemy. I was consistently beating myself up and making myself wrong, being my own worst judge or critic. When I felt angry with someone I then made myself wrong for feeling that way and ended up feeling ashamed about my anger. The negativity and judgment would snowball. There was a constant war within me.

Now, when I recognize that I'm feeling guilty, ashamed, angry or sad, I remind myself that I truly do love myself for feeling that way. I love myself for all of my feelings. I'm never wrong for how I feel and neither are you. My 'negative' emotions show my empathy and compassion, that I care about just and loving treatment.

Are you open to seeing and loving the gifts of your 'negative' feelings? Doing so has the potential to bring peace to the war within. What might be possible for you if you experienced greater peace?

With love,

Jill

Connected ~ October 2010

2011-01-21T17:17:00.002-05:00

The Gift of Change

Hello again!

This past spring, my partner was diagnosed with cancer and I stopped much of my business activities in order to do all that I could to be there to support her. She has since been declared cancer free and her time in the hospital and recuperating is complete, for which we feel exceedingly grateful.

The effects of this experience haven't ended though, and they are quite a blessing as well. I'm seeing them in both my personal and professional life. Personally, both my partner and I exercise aerobically more consistently, eat lots more whole and organic foods, use fewer chemicals in our personal care products and are exploring a variety of meditative techniques.

Also, I've been allowing my heart or inner wisdom to guide much of my life for many years now. It has allowed me to consciously move toward greater self-acceptance and authentic self-expression. After this reminder of the frailty of life, it has become clear that the time is right for me to allow it to run my business as well. Consequently, much of my business is changing too. While many of the changes are seemingly minor, they are all the result of me allowing those things that are no longer in alignment with my purpose and my mission to fall away.

The differences you might most readily notice include the name of this e-zine changing to 'Connected', which better reflects what my coaching is all about ~ authentic connection with Self, Source and others. Plus, the e-zine is no longer monthly. It just is. It is sent out when it's ready. It had always been something that just flowed out of me whenever it needed shared (as opposed to, "Now I must sit down and write my newsletter!"). It's just that now I give myself permission to let go of any time requirements around it.

Secondly, I'm discontinuing the Ask the Expert teleseminars. I'm called in another direction and despite not knowing what may come of that, I choose to lovingly bring the teleseminars to a close.

I've already resumed getting my book ready for publication, and making blog and facebook posts as things come up that call to be shared in those ways. I also plan to continue coaching one on one, presenting to groups and leading my monthly book discussion ~ which I'm now calling 'Genuine Connection' since that new name better reflects what the gathering is about. (We've never discussed books there. We share about questions raised by the stories within them.)

In addition, my website is being reworked so please bear with me through the changes here as well. It will be more interactive, up to date and informative ~ the 'one stop shop for Altman Life Coaching' so to speak.

Finally, I'm currently training in a spirituality program that I intend to offer early next year.

Thank you for your patience and understanding during this exciting time.

May you embrace the changes in your life with ease and grace,

Jill

More Smiles ~ May 2010

2011-01-21T17:11:00.001-05:00

Change Your Focus

You can't control anyone except yourself.

Yet, how often do you attempt to get somebody else to do what you want in an effort to have reality match your inner picture? It's futile since ultimately each of us always gets to do as we choose in every moment (barring being physically restrained or subjugated in some way).

So what can you do when outer reality and your belief of how things should look are diametrically opposed?

When you want your spouse to quit smoking and they haven't? When you want your sibling to hold down a steady job and they don't? When you want your adult child to practice safe sex and they aren't?

You can complain about it to everyone who will listen. You can harp at them to change, to do what you want them to do. You can punish the behavior you don't want and reward the one you do want. You can bend over backwards trying to help them get, be or do what you want for them.

But in the end, if they haven't also bought into whatever it is that you want for them, whatever you do in an effort to have reality match your inner picture will be short lived at best. They'll change if and when they're ready and no sooner. Which could be never. And you'll be back to feeling the anger, disappointment, frustration or fear associated with things not being the way you want.

The question remains then, what can you do if you're committed to experiencing more peace, love and joy and you've been trying in vain to get your spouse to quit smoking? Harping hasn't worked. Hiding their cigarettes hasn't worked. Telling them about upcoming smoking cessation classes hasn't worked.

I'd suggest that in those instances where you want something for somebody else that they clearly don't want as much if at all for themselves, you can choose to change your focus. (You know when somebody isn't committed to something because they don't consistently take the actions needed to bring it about in their life.) By changing your focus I mean that you can move your attention off of them and what they could be doing to make you happier, and onto yourself and what you could be doing to make yourself happier.

Shift from what you want them to do (which is totally outside of your control), to what you choose to do in order to take care of yourself (which is totally within your control). It's important to point out here that the intention behind your action can't be about trying to manipulate or change them. If it is, you're still focused on them. The intention behind your action needs to be about taking care of yourself in light of what is happening externally.

Which means that if you're tortured by your spouse's smoking, you stop trying to get them to quit smoking and start taking care of your own needs. How do you feel? Are you worried about your health because of the effects of second hand smoke? What action could you take to help yourself experience greater peace concerning your health?

Again, this isn't about them being 'wrong' for smoking and you trying to get them to quit when they don't want to. That just leads to conflict. This is about you stepping out of thinking in terms of right versus wrong, and into focusing on lovingly taking care of yourself.

By this simple act of switching your attention off of somebody else and onto yourself, you can start to experience more of the peace, love, joy and fulfillment that you long for. That's because when you focus on changing yourself, the only thing you can control, you're no longer a victim and are instead in command of your own happiness.

If you're more committed to peace, love and joy than you are to being right, try focusing on yourself for a change and see what happens.

To get some support in switching your attention off of trying in vain to get somebody else to change, contact me about being coached.

Namaste,

Jill

Emotionally Dead People

2010-12-13T17:32:00.010-05:00

I see emotionally dead people. They're everywhere. They don't know that they're emotionally dead.

I recognize them because I used to be one of them.

It's our emotional deadness that prevents us from living our passion, from living out loud and in full color.

We numb out through alcohol, food, television and endless activity in an effort to continue to avoid our emotions, to remain emotionally dead.

It doesn't have to be that way. In feeling our emotions lies our salvation.

Wake up. Feel.

I can help you.

It's not for the faint of heart. Are you willing to go there?

When something can't be fixed or undone...

2010-11-24T16:09:00.006-05:00

I've come to believe that we all need a witness to our most intense fear, sorrow, shame and anger. There are deeply wounding events that occur in our lives that can't be fixed or undone. They may have happened in the past or they might be outside our control.

Yet there's much that can be done between the two extremes of doing nothing and righting some wrong. Healing exists in simply having somebody else bear witness to our pain.

We don't need the events themselves to go away, we just want and need to be validated in our emotion surrounding those events, to be heard and to be understood with love and with compassion.

Who do you trust to bear witness to your pain?

Labyrinth ~ A Metaphor For Life

2010-09-27T09:45:00.019-04:00

On Saturday, my partner and I made a classical seven circuit labyrinth in our back yard. Walking it made it clear once again that a labyrinth is a metaphor for life.

The labyrinth only has one path through it so it's impossible to make a wrong turn. There's no required speed or pace to walk it. You can be actively engaged in your walk or spend the time thinking about other things.

I believe that's all true about how I choose to move through life as well. It's impossible for me to travel anything other than my one right path from its beginning to its natural end. There are no wrong choices or turns. All serve to move me forward.

Plus, some people's journeys through life are faster or shorter than others. That doesn't negate their meaning or their value. They're not bad or wrong, just as slower or longer journeys aren't good or right. Each is unique and beautiful in its own way.

And you can be present to the beauty and blessing of your life in each moment, or you can be enmeshed in concerns about the past or worries about the future and fail to fully experience the now.

If you haven't walked a labyrinth and it interests you, I encourage you to. You can locate one near you at http://labyrinthlocator.com/.

To learn more about labyrinths visit: http://labyrinthsociety.org/about-labyrinths.

Endings and New Beginnings

2010-09-10T15:12:00.022-04:00

Fall definitely reminds me of endings. Nature ends things so gracefully. The trees and bushes never struggle to hold onto their seeds or their leaves. They just release them when the time is right. (By the same token, in the spring they don't try to hurry their blooms.)

I endeavor to release things when the time is right as well. Yet, I realize that many of the endings in my life have been anything but graceful.

One of the chapters in my forthcoming book, My Heart's Wishes ~ Thru-hiking the Appalachian Trail, is entitled 'Graceful Endings, Not!' It relates how I fought ending my journey when I was called to, when the time was right for me. Here is an excerpt from it:

I had a problem. Due to my exhaustion, I needed to stop hiking. And while I had initially started hiking the trail simply because I felt called to do it right then, at some point I developed a belief that I wasn't supposed to miss a single inch of trail. Since then, I had dreamed of hiking every step, mile and blaze. (Blazes are how the trail is marked. They are 2" x 6" white rectangles on the trunks of trees or on boulders that let you know you're following the AT rather than some other trail.)

But there I was in the final state, needing either to stop hiking or to switch something up. The goal to hike every inch of the trail had been causing me to hike in conditions where my common sense would have ordinarily stopped me. I wouldn't allow myself to stop though. I believed that I was supposed to hike every inch of the trail and I wasn't finished yet! But the reality was that I was unable to continue exactly as I had been.

That struggle to hold on and complete the trail without changing or letting go of any of my beliefs about how I was "supposed" to hike the trail caused me so much pain. As a result, the ending for my thru-hike felt anything but graceful.

I now feel much clearer about how endings create room for the new. So many beautiful things have entered my life that couldn't have shown up without something else ending beforehand.

I'm curious about the endings in your life. What beliefs have you held onto that have kept your endings from being filled with grace?

Day 21 - Coming Back

2010-06-30T13:35:00.006-04:00

For me, life is a practice of 'coming back' or returning. I come back to my meditation practice when I've fallen out of the habit, to my breathing and hence the moment when my mind has wandered, and to the things that exist to be grateful for when I'm caught up in negativity.

That's the practice of a life well-lived: I notice that I'm no longer practicing, present or grateful, and I just keep coming back to meditation, the moment and joy.

Day Eight - Consciously Creating

2010-06-18T00:31:00.011-04:00

Dustin Hoffman pretends to be a woman in the movie Tootsie. As a woman he shows greater love, compassion and support than he does as a man. Near the end of the movie he says that 'he just needs to learn to do it without the dress'.

My partner has been diagnosed with cancer.* I find that on the whole, I am in a much more loving, compassionate and supportive space as a result of this news. Now I'd just like to learn to remain there without the disease.

Not that I need the cancer to go away to be happy. But that I can create and come from such a loving and open space more frequently and consciously, and without any other catalyst than my choice to be there.

(*I feel very thankful that it is a form of cancer that is highly treatable, and I expect her to be well again soon.)

What's bothering you?

2010-06-17T14:25:00.006-04:00

I fully believe that when something is bothering me it's because I'm being called to look at, explore or heal around it. It wouldn't be bugging me if I wasn't ready to grow in that area. The question is, "Am I willing to explore whatever it is?"

If I am willing, I go for it! If I'm not, I at least usually feel curious about my resistance to looking at it.

If I've tried to explore the issue before and just gone round and round over the same ground, that's when I work with my coach. She helps me to create shift in areas where I've been stuck.

I encourage you to work with a coach too. If you don't want to work with me, no problem. There are lots of caring and qualified people out there.

When you open and heal yourself, you help everybody, not just yourself. So if you can't bring yourself to do it for yourself, do it for the good of us all.

Day Six - No Mistakes

2010-06-15T23:51:00.004-04:00

There are no mistakes. I was called to start meditating more consistently the day before receiving potentially stress-filled news about my partner's health. (Which by the way is still unfolding. I so appreciate your positive and loving thoughts.)

Does that mean that because of the meditation I don't feel stressed about her health? Not at all. I still float in and out of sadness, fear and worry. I do believe, however, that my meditation practice helps me deal with my stressful thoughts with greater equanimity.

I feel grateful to have listened to my inner wisdom when it suggested this 'experiment' of meditating every day for six weeks!

Day Three, Anicha

2010-06-12T05:37:00.010-04:00

My understanding of anicha is that it's the principle of impermanence. Everything arises and passes away. My breath arises with each inhale and passes away with each exhale. The sensation of an itch on my body arises and eventually passes away. Feelings and thoughts follow this same pattern of arising and passing away.

I interrupt this natural cycle or flow whenever I try to hold onto whatever it is (a pleasant sensation for example) or whenever I try to push it away (an uncomfortable sensation for example). Without my doing anything the sensation will quite naturally and of its own accord arise and pass away, ebb and flow.

It's clinging and aversion that disrupt my experience of the natural cycle of anicha. Inevitably I try to do something to either prolong the pleasant sensation or avoid the unpleasant one. I become reactive. And more importantly I react unconsciously. In a split second I experience an itch, determine it to be uncomfortable and reach to scratch it. That's not 'bad' per se. The issue is that by unconsciously reacting to the itch rather than simply observing it within my body, I fail to notice the truth: I didn't have to jump in and do something. The itch would have passed away of its own accord without my scratching it.

What I find particularly interesting is how this plays out in other areas of my life. I experience rejection as a heaviness around my heart, and then without consciously recognizing what happened and that this unpleasant bodily sensation would pass away on its own, I do something to try to control it or to make it end: I change the subject, I tell myself and/or the other person that it wasn't important to me anyway or I lash out.

Sitting during meditation and consciously observing my bodily sensations rather than reacting to them allows me to experience firsthand how things actually work - arise, pass away, arise, pass away, arise. It's an endless cycle. And it's empowering to know that all things will eventually change whether I do something or not.

Day One, Smoking and Meditation

2010-06-10T19:01:00.007-04:00

I smoked many years ago and I quickly learned that it was much easier to continue smoking than it was to quit.

Not surprisingly, I am experiencing something similar now with meditation: It's much easier to continue to fritter away my time than it is to sit.

Would you like to join me in your own meditation experiment? If so, set your personal goal regarding introspection or meditation and share about your experience of it here on my blog.

My Experiment

2010-06-10T04:54:00.005-04:00

Today I began my experiment inspired by Julie and Julia, to meditate two hours a day every day for 6 weeks and to post about the experience. It seems like a huge commitment and I feel eager to see if it's one I'm willing to keep. Ah, but what to call this challenge? Jill and Vipassana just doesn't have the same ring to it...

More Smiles ~ April 2010

2010-05-28T16:53:00.000-04:00

Operating Instructions

There are a couple of things that I can routinely do to improve my chances of success in any endeavor. As I think about them, it makes perfect sense to me that they'd be necessary, but I've never before spelled them out so clearly: I need to be committed to the required actions and I need to be held accountable for taking them.

Commitment and accountability are part of my operating instructions and without them, I'm less likely to succeed at whatever I attempt. I know, they seem obvious don't they? Yet, when I look at where I haven't performed as I expected, one or both of them are missing.

Let me give you an example. I'm a member of a networking group that is having a Visitors' Day next week. Each one of us has sent written invitations to prospective members asking them to attend the event. Last week, we were then asked to make a follow up phone call to everyone we invited.

I didn't do it. I called some of my prospects, but not all of them. I'm not committed to it nor will I be held accountable for it. I was asked to do it and that was the end of the conversation.

In the absence of that structure being externally provided for me, I could have created it for myself. But I didn't. I was more committed to other things than I was to telling somebody else in the group what follow up actions I was willing to take and to then later tell them what I actually did do. As a result, the other things I was more committed to got done, and my follow up calls didn't.

If I wasn't willing to make the follow up calls that I was asked to make, that opens the door for me to explore what was motivating my unwillingness. Was I too busy with other commitments and would I have benefited from asking if somebody else would call some of my prospects? Did I see no need to follow up because I believed that people would either come or not and my call wouldn't change that?

Ultimately, I could have come around to what I was willing to do and I could have committed to somebody else in the group that I would do whatever that was. Then, at our next meeting I could have been held accountable for doing what I committed to do by sharing the actions I actually did take with that person.

I respond very well to this kind of structure ~ commitment and accountability. My experience is that many people do. As a result, it's a foundation of my coaching. Without it, people don't change their behaviors. They just keep doing whatever feels easiest and safest. They don't grow much and their life stays pretty much the same.

I know that's true for me. Is it true for you too?

Call to Action: Where could you benefit from some personal commitment to the endeavor and some accountability around seeing it through? Are you willing to create the structure you need in order to have that buy in, take the required actions and be held accountable for them? Do you need to ask your spouse, partner, friend or co-worker to check in with you on your commitment?

Remember: Even though they may not be clearly stated anywhere, that doesn't mean that personal commitment and accountability aren't necessary ingredients to your success. Are you more likely to accomplish what's asked of you when you have these two components in place? Everybody is different. Maybe your instruction manual doesn't include these directives. If that's the case, what does help you to succeed?

Doing What You Want

2010-05-20T16:23:00.003-04:00

Can you ever do something that you don't want to do?

Short of being physically forced to do something, aren't we all doing what we want, when we want?

If so, what do we get out of frequently choosing to believe otherwise - that we have to do something - rather than the empowering truth - that we chose it?

More Smiles ~ March 2010

2010-04-27T15:08:00.002-04:00

Opening to Possibility

Recently I've been having the same conversation over and over again. In it, I'm talking with somebody about what's wrong, what they don't want, and encouraging them to shift their focus onto what they want instead. That can be a tough thing to do. Usually it's really easy to focus on and to know what you don't want. It can be more challenging to answer the question, "What do you want?"

Anyway, it has been my experience that whatever I'm advocating to somebody else, I'm really saying to myself and hoping that I'll listen. After about the third conversation in a week where I suggested that a friend or client look at what they wanted, I finally heard myself.

Since I've become a coach, I write a lot. I journal, blog and have my monthly newsletter, More Smiles. What you may not know is that I'm also writing a book. I've been in the process of writing it for a few years now. And I've come close to finishing it more than once.

I'm there again. My book is in its final stages in my hands. It's time once again for me to wrap it up and send it out into the world. But, I'm afraid. I feel afraid because I've had this niggling doubt in the back of my mind all along: What if they don't care to read it? Worse yet, what if they read it, think it's horrible and tell everybody else just how awful it is?!

The thing is, all of those are possible. But when one of those possibilities peeks around the corner at me, and I run screaming from the computer and distract myself with anything except my book, those scary possibilities are all I see and have room for.

Whereas, if I'd stick around and invite them all into the room with me and give them a listen, it might occur to me that they aren't the only possibilities. In fact, many other highly desirable things are possible too: Maybe my story will inspire somebody else. Perhaps it will touch somebody and help them to grow. Or maybe, just maybe, my heart will sing simply because I did what it has asked of me all along and shared that short but pivotal part of my life's journey.

Actually, it's a given that the last one will happen. That's all that my heart has wanted all along, for me to make my story available to others. In order to be happy, my heart doesn't actually need anybody else to do anything at all with my book, just me to put it out there.

That is, after all, the main reason I write, to let something out. There are things inside of me that beg to be said and shared. So I say and share them. When I remember that, I can wrap up and share my book with joy and confidence. Because the truth is, it has always been about me honoring my heart's wishes.

That's why it's with great pleasure that I share with you the forthcoming release of My Heart's Wishes. It's the story of my journey from love and gentleness to fear and force, and back again while I thru-hiked the Appalachian Trail in 2005. If it calls to you, I hope you'll honor the call and share in my story when it's published.

In the meantime, I encourage you to look at where your focus on what you don't want is holding you back and keeping you playing it safe and small. Your heart is calling you to stretch just outside of those imaginary walls and into a whole new world of possibility. Are you willing to go?

Remember that nobody else ever stops you from living your dreams. It's always just your own thinking and beliefs that get in the way. So ask yourself, "What do I want?" and then enjoy the journey while you set about creating it. All it takes is consistent action, even baby steps, in the direction of your dreams and one day you'll be there.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." ~ Lao Tzu

Illusions

2010-04-27T14:19:00.004-04:00

One of my all time favorite authors is Richard Bach. He's probably best known for his book Johnathan Livingston Seagull but I love Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah. For me, it's full of fabulous thought provoking snippets. The first chapter alone has numerous things that speak to me.

The one that came up for me today is, "If God spoke directly to your face and said, 'I command that you be happy in the world, as long as you live.' What would you do then?"

Indeed, what would you do then?

I would laugh and play. And so I do.

Metta,

Jill

Enjoying Unconditional Self-Love

2010-03-12T09:54:00.027-05:00

Everything, every emotion, thought and event, is part of the practice of loving yourself. It's relatively easy to love yourself when you're feeling grateful, you're thinking happy thoughts and you've just won the lottery. That's when things are going 'well' or 'right', or when your day seems 'golden'. And that's a great place and time to practice showering yourself with acceptance, gratitude and appreciation. If you haven't tried this on a regular basis, I recommend that you try it and see what happens.

It can be much more difficult to treat yourself that lovingly and gently when you've spent every waking moment of your day feeling like a 'screw up', when it seems like all you feel is anger or shame, most of what you think is negative, and you just stepped in dog poop. Yet, those days are still part of the practice of loving yourself. Those 'screw up' days are equally as beautiful as the 'golden' ones. And I'd maintain that they can be even more powerful in terms of feeling your own love. When you can shower yourself with acceptance, gratitude and appreciation in the midst of feeling like a screw up, you really get to start enjoying what unconditional self-love feels like. Now that's a beautiful and powerful thing indeed!

How do I know this? Because that was my day yesterday and part of the day before. It felt like everything went horribly wrong. I felt sad and ashamed of the things that came out of my mouth. I kept thinking that I shouldn't have done or said whatever I had just done or said. The planets somehow felt out of alignment. Everything seemed 'off'. In reality, when I tallied all the 'good things' versus all the 'bad things' that had happened, the 'good' ones far outweighed the 'bad'. That didn't change the fact that everything seemed off somehow and I felt like a screw up.

Years ago, possibly even months ago, I might have made myself wrong for how I felt and written the day off as just one of those things. But yesterday, I used it as part of my practice of loving myself, with tender and heart warming results. I kept sharing love with myself for feeling ashamed and sad. I kept giving myself permission to love myself while I was being so gloriously human in the things I said and did. I kept looking for the gifts in every 'negative' experience I had. It was such a gentle, empowering and loving space to be in. If you haven't tried it before, I encourage you to. I now feel so grateful for the 'screw up' that I am and that really showed itself yesterday. It was the perfect opportunity for me to not just practice self-love, but unconditional self-love.

More importantly, unconditional self-love is available to each of us. All it takes is a willingness to keep practicing bringing love to every emotion, thought and event of your day instead of making some emotions, thoughts and events bad or wrong, and trying to shove them away, erase them or block them out. It's that simple. Notice that I didn't claim it was easy. It can be a challenge, but it really is that simple. And it's definitely possible for each one of us who is willing to recommit to the practice in every moment.

I'd enjoy hearing about your experience of self-love, so if you're willing to share, please post a comment on this blog.

Share about Using Your Energy to Create

2010-02-28T14:28:00.003-05:00

How do you allow the energy of your painful emotions to flow so that you have more energy available to create the experiences you desire in life? Please share on this blog by clicking the Comments link below.

Who or what is holding you back?

2010-02-19T05:53:00.009-05:00

There's something that I notice myself doing that doesn't serve me ~ believing that external people, things and events keep me from experiencing the lasting love, peace, joy and fulfillment I desire. Do you do it too? Do you think that the economy, company policies or some person is stopping you from having what you most want?

It isn't true! You are always the only thing in your way. Otherwise, how could other people thrive in the same circumstances? Nothing outside of you is holding you back.

The only things keeping you from experiencing what you desire in life are your own thoughts and beliefs.

So, what are you willing to do about it? Changing the external world won't solve your problems. New economic times, policies or people will show up. You can't change them all. The only workable solution is for you to change your thoughts and beliefs, and then consistently speak and act differently.

Are you willing to change yourself? If so, notice when you're blaming someone or something else for your feelings or life circumstances. Then figure out what thoughts you've been thinking and what you've been believing. Explore those thoughts and beliefs, and open yourself to seeing things differently. Know what you choose to create in your life and start taking action to do so.

Do you feel stuck or uncertain how to do this? Try The Work by Byron Katie at http://www.thework.com/thework.asp.

Do you want still more guidance and accountability? Contact me through AltmanLifeCoaching.com to see how personal coaching can empower you to create what you most want in your life.

Free to Choose

2010-02-03T14:28:00.012-05:00

One day last week when I was thinking about heading out for a jog, I didn't want to go. I had all sorts of reasons why I didn't want to go. It was cold out. The roads were slick. That type of stuff. As I was thinking that, one thing that I realized is that some part of me thought I had to go. Believing that I had to do it turned it from fun into work. Fun isn't something you have to do. Work is. But the truth was I wanted to go. It empowers me to jog. I feel good about myself. I like to be outdoors. I love the sunshine. And I feel really good when I'm done.

When I recognized that I didn't have to go but wanted to go, and gave myself permission not to go if I really didn't want to, I went. Happily. And had fun. Yes, it was cold and icy out. And yes I loved being outside in the sunshine as well as how I felt when I was done.

This all gets back to my belief that if I'm told to do something, especially by an authority figure like a boss, parent or police officer, that means that I have to do it. In my mind they are synonymous. Yet that thought isn't true. Just because somebody tells me to do something doesn't mean that I have to, even if it is an authority figure. I always have a choice in everything. When I ignore that and start believing that there are things I have to do, I get angry and resentful. I resist. Fun flies out the window.

What's interesting is that it's never true that there's something I have to do. You might say, "Well Jill, you have to eat and drink or you'll die." True, without food and water I will die, but that doesn't mean that I have to eat and drink. I am always free to choose death (or prison, or homelessness or whatever other consequence may come from my actions or inactions). That is an empowering understanding. I never have to do anything. Everything is my choice.

So the next time you notice that you feel anxious, annoyed or overwhelmed by all the things you have to do, stop and ask yourself if it's true that you have to do them. You're never wrong for how you feel, but your belief that you have to do something may be sabotaging you. When you own that you choose to do all you do, you are in a much more powerful place. No longer are you a victim. Instead you are the creator of your life. You understand that you really are the master of your fate and the captain of your soul as William Ernest Henley said in Invictus.

How would you rather live your life, as a victim being told what to do or as an empowered creator consciously choosing your actions? The choice is yours.

More Smiles ~ December 2009

2010-02-03T14:21:00.001-05:00

Learning to Love Yourself

Something that all of us engage in at some time or other and are usually unaware of is projection. The way that it works is that you dump your own self-dislike onto others and experience it as, "They're wrong! They've done wrong!"

For example, maybe you can't stand your selfishness. You then see or hear somebody else being selfish and get extremely angry or hurt by it. The truth is that this is really an example of projection and it provides an excellent opportunity for you to notice your intense reaction, question what quality or characteristic is bothering you, and then take action to deal with it in yourself.

Projection has a huge cost in your life. It blocks you from personal responsibility, self-love, and growth. Like many other issues in your life, projection is birthed out of fear. The qualities or characteristics that you project are the ones that you are afraid to look at, be with or own in yourself. How could you possibly love yourself if you were selfish? Worse yet, how could anybody else possibly love you if you were selfish? So you hide that aspect of yourself, and run around noticing it and pointing it out in other people.

The solution is to quit being a victim and using others as your scapegoat, heaping your dislike and blame onto them instead of bringing love to those unwanted parts of yourself. The solution is to own your projections. You do this by recognizing when you're projecting and then uncovering and accepting that unwanted aspect within yourself. You know you're projecting when your response is more intense than the situation would seem to warrant. If you're simply informed by whatever is going on, you're not projecting. But when you go from feeling peaceful to extremely agitated in a heartbeat, notice it. You're projecting.

To figure out what quality or characteristic you're projecting, you only need to take a quiet moment to ask yourself what it is about the situation that has you upset. Once you know that, you're able to choose to bring unconditional love and acceptance to that part of yourself. When you're willing to bring that kind of compassion to yourself, you can then open to sharing that compassion with others. This is because you're no longer triggered by the previously unwanted aspect or characteristic in them. Now you're simply informed.

A common pitfall is to maintain that your intense reaction is justified and that it really is all about how wrong the other person is. When you're in that place, you're closed off to reality and to your own growth and evolution. The whole reason the situation exists is to help you expand into the love that you long to express more fully. Being willing to consider that you may really be feeling unhappy about something within yourself opens you to the possibility of greater self-love and growth.

I recently experienced projection concerning what is happening with Tiger Woods. The media has had a heyday with his infidelity. I noticed that I felt irrationally annoyed by all of this. I mean, yes he had made mistakes, but my take on it was that he and his family were in pain and were being kicked while they were down. It wasn't like each one of us hadn't made mistakes or done things that we'd later regretted. It was unkind to throw salt in his wounds.

Since I could go on and on about this, I was clearly triggered. I wasn't simply informed by it. When I got quiet and asked myself what part of the situation had me so upset the answer was immediate: They were being cruel. The question then became, "Am I willing to own that I am also cruel and to then bring unconditional love and acceptance to that cruel part of myself?" When I could do that, then I could live with the media's treatment of Tiger with greater ease. I was just informed by their words and actions and could accept them even while they were acting unkindly.

So, the truth is that when you can't stand a quality or aspect in somebody else, you're projecting. You really dislike that same aspect in yourself. You can continue to evolve and grow by recognizing this truth and bringing unconditional love and acceptance to that aspect. But, are you willing to do so? Are you willing to do whatever it would take to come to love and accept all of yourself?

It's not easy to do. It takes presence, willingness and courage. It takes a lot more courage to recognize and admit that there are parts of yourself that you don't like than it does to jump on the bandwagon and condemn others for their imperfections when you yourself are also imperfect, have also made mistakes and also simply want to experience lasting love, peace and joy.

Without this willingness to accept all aspects of yourself, you halt your evolution into the expression of the love that you are. You block yourself from experiencing your life's purpose - lasting love, peace and joy.

If you'd like help bringing unconditional love and acceptance to your projections, contact me. The first coaching session is always complimentary and you'll leave it with a plan of action to be compassionate with even the least liked parts of yourself. And when you accept something it becomes easier to change it if you so choose, because you're working with it instead of fighting against it.

The Road to Self-Love

2010-01-16T14:57:00.003-05:00

Many of us go through life looking primarily at other people and external events. We spend most of our time and energy focusing on what has happened outside of us. Then we feel angry, afraid or sad about it and believe that the other person or the event caused us to feel that way.

But that is untrue, because nobody is inside of us telling us what to think or feel. That type of thinking also has us missing the point. I believe that the whole point in everything that we create in our external realities is to get us to look at, heal around and accept something about ourselves. We’ll never accomplish any of that by focusing on somebody or something else.

Why do we do it then? Why do we focus on others and on events instead of ourselves? I think it’s because it feels much safer and easier to point our fingers and to tell somebody else to change than it does to look at our own perceived short-comings and love ourselves for them. Plus, many of us have never been taught how to do that, how to be with, look at and love all of ourselves. We don’t have the tools. So, we keep doing what we know, what’s familiar and comfortable because we don’t know any other way.

It doesn’t serve us though, because again, we’re missing the point. Looking inside ourselves and at our own experience of the world is our chance to grow and to express the love that we are. There’s a famous Gandhi quote to “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” I’ve modified it to “Be the love you wish to see in the world.” Start with yourself. When you love and embrace all of yourself, then you can love and embrace all of others, and your life becomes more peaceful and joy-filled to boot.

So, whenever you feel any strong negative emotion toward or about somebody or something else, turn your focus around. Bring it back to yourself. Look at and explore your actual emotions, how you feel. These include things like sad, mad and scared and derivatives of those, as opposed to, “I feel like….” Whenever you’ve added the word ‘like’, stop yourself. Whatever follows isn’t a feeling.

If you notice that you feel really angry about what somebody else is doing, pay attention to where that anger shows up in your body. What’s the sensation? In other words, how do you know that it’s anger that you’re feeling and not sadness instead? Is your jaw clenched? Is there a pressure in your chest? Whatever is going on isn’t wrong. You don’t need to try to change it. Just notice it. The anger that you thought you were feeling about or because of the other person actually lives inside of your body. It’s your anger. It affects you, not them. You created it and are living with it whether you choose to recognize it or not.

What thoughts go through your head about that anger? Are you bad and wrong to feel angry? Are you supposed to love everybody no matter what they may say or do? Does it feel safe to feel angry or do you feel afraid of it? Can you safely and healthfully express your anger?

When you are noticing yourself and the emotions that you’re feeling instead of continuing to focus on the external event or person and believing that they’re the source of your emotions, you’re starting to get the point. Whatever is going on, you created it to help yourself love some unloved part of yourself. It’s not even really about the other person or the event. Understand and live that and you’re on the road to self-discovery and self-love.

More Smiles ~ December 2009

2010-01-16T14:48:00.001-05:00

Learning to Love Yourself

Only a Thought Away

2009-12-16T10:41:00.046-05:00

How do you tend to look at things? Do you seem to focus on what's wrong instead of on what's right in yourself, everybody else and your life? If you do, you're not alone.

Many of us spend large parts of our lives looking for what's wrong. This all stems from the belief that the experience you're having is not the one you're supposed to be having and from your desire to be right. Some examples of this include thinking that you should be smarter, that somebody else should be more appreciative or do what you want, and that you should earn more money. Each one of these has you looking at what's wrong: You're not smart enough, people don't listen to you or adequately appreciate you, or you don't have enough money.

The truth is though, nothing is inherently good or bad, right or wrong or the way something should or shouldn't be. Each one of these is just a thought. The problem is that you tend to believe your thoughts without question (you believe you're right) and your thoughts generate your emotions. If you think and believe negative thoughts, then you end up creating predominantly negative emotions and are left wondering why you feel depressed. It's important to recognize that it's your thoughts, not the actual event, person or situation, that either torture you or create bliss.

The solution is to understand that your point of view or perspective of life drives your experience of it. Once you know this, you can consciously choose to look for what's right and create more positive emotions so that you feel love, peace and joy on a more regular basis. Not only does this result in you feeling better, but it also takes you out of a victim mentality in which life is happening to you and you're not responsible for all that you've created.

A useful way to shift into looking for what's right instead of what's wrong is to picture a fence. On one side there's nothing but overcast sky and an ocean of manure that gets deeper and deeper as you wade out into it until eventually you are swimming in it or treading just trying to keep your head above it all. On the other side of this fence is a beautiful meadow with flowers, abundant sunshine, a clear stream, butterflies flitting about, birds singing and a forest and mountains in the distance.

The fence represents your choice. The side with the manure is where you reside when you're looking primarily for what's wrong. The side with the meadow is where you reside when you're looking primarily for what's right.

Let's look at a specific example, holidays. What's wrong with holidays? On the 'wrong' side of the fence, holidays take too much time, money and effort. They're work or a headache. What emotions do you notice in your body when you believe these things? These thoughts produce emotions like anger, frustration, overwhelm and fear. These are emotions that most of us claim we don't want to feel for prolonged periods.

What's right with the holidays? On the 'right' side of the fence, holidays involve fun decorations, seeing family and friends and sharing gifts. They bring people together. What emotions do you notice in your body when you believe these things? These thoughts also produce certain emotions. Only notice that this time the emotions are more like excitement, joy, gratitude and love, emotions that most of us maintain we'd like to experience more of.

Viewing everything in life from the perspective of this fence of choice and then recognizing how each thought or belief makes you feel, allows you to clearly see that you get to choose your experience of life. The question is would you rather be right that everything is horrible and this isn't the experience you're supposed to be having, or would you rather be happy? Which are you more committed to? The way you feel on a day to day basis will clearly tell you whether you spend most of your time trying to be right and swimming in the manure as a result, or choosing to be happy and enjoying the meadow and all it offers.

Sometimes you just need to wallow in the manure. When you do, give yourself permission to do so and to enjoy it while you're there. That's fine. We all feel every emotion at one time or another. I'm not suggesting you should have a Pollyanna view of life. I am recommending that you understand that it is your choice where you decide to hang out and spend the majority of your time.

The way that you feel about every person, situation, experience and thing in your life is your choice. You are not a victim. You choose your feelings based on the thoughts you have consciously or unconsciously decided to believe and hang onto. Nobody else is making you think and believe what you do, which also means that nobody else is creating your feelings about your life. You are totally responsible for your experience of life.

Call to Action: Notice how you generally feel. Which side of the fence have your thoughts landed you on? If you tend to spend most of your time in the manure, are you willing to consider what may be right about all that you've been making wrong? What action could you take to support you in this shift?

Remember: Gratitude, peace, freedom, pride, clarity, support, acceptance, safety, joy, trust and love are only a thought away.

Contact me for a complimentary coaching session in which you can experience firsthand the creative force that you are as well as new possibilities for your life.

More Smiles ~ November 2009

2009-12-16T10:31:00.001-05:00

The Illusion of Control

Albert Einstein said, "The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift." My life's focus and what I explore with my clients is accessing, hearing and heeding the intuitive voice that resides within each of us so that it can direct the course of our lives. Like me, everybody that I know was taught to come from their intellect or head and to figure things out. Operating from the intuitive voice requires that we come from our hearts or inner wisdom instead of our heads.

The question is, "But why bother? Why not continue to allow our intellects to direct our lives?" The reason is that heeding only the intellect results in us trying to control that which can't be controlled, the things that happen in our lives. We are not now, nor will we ever be in control of everything that happens in our lives. In fact it is futile to attempt to control our lives. There are too many people, too many circumstances and too many variables for us to ever be able to control them all.

The solution to this dilemma is to give up the illusion, the belief that we have control. Trust that everything happens for our highest good, that nothing is inherently good or bad or right or wrong, and that we are constantly led and supported by the intuitive voice if we'll only listen to and heed it.

It all reminds me of a trip we took to Copper Canyon in Mexico a few years ago. On that trip, we went for a day long mule ride through the canyon. There were guides with us, one leading and one following. At one point late in the day, three of us fell behind the rear guide. We plodded along in the same direction we had been heading until there was a fork in the path.

Suddenly we didn't know which way to go. The area was unfamiliar to us and we didn't have a map. We stopped and tried to figure it out using landmarks. Eventually, we decided that the left fork was the proper way. We prodded the mules to go that direction, but they wouldn't budge. I tried to lead a mule that way. Still it resisted.

About this time, the rear guide came back down the right hand fork of the trail to find us. Using our intellects, we had chosen the wrong path. All along the mules had known the shortest and most direct way back.

Interestingly, it had never dawned on any of us to let the mules have their reigns and lead us back. We didn't consider that they knew the way and that if we'd only quit trying to figure it out and control things, they'd take us. (Naturally in hindsight, it makes perfect sense.)

To me, the moral of the story is to quit trying to control and micromanage all aspects of my life. Stop coming from my head and the belief that I have control. Instead, trust that my inner wisdom has the map and let go of the reins.

More Smiles ~ September 2009

2009-10-14T15:47:00.008-04:00

What Holes Are in Your Sidewalk?

There's a fabulous poem in the book There's a hole in my sidewalk by Portia Nelson. Here's the poem:

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost. I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn't my fault.

It still takes me a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in. It's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

We all have holes in our sidewalks. They are the things that we repeatedly think, say and do that hold us back. One hole that many of us fall into is believing that our problems are caused by other people. When we have this belief, we then go about trying to fix or change others in order to be happy.

But other people aren't the problem. They aren't the hole in the sidewalk. Other people are the symptom. The problem, or hole, is what we think and believe. Our problem is that we believe that the thoughts, words and actions of others keep us from being happy. We believe that other people are responsible for how we feel. As long as we believe this, we only deal with the symptoms of our problems. We think that if somebody else changes, then we'll be happy.

So the real problem that most of us experience is that we believe we need to try to control and change the people around us in order to be happy. I'd be happy if he'd return my calls, she'd just apologize or he'd pick up after himself!

Not only is that all misdirected and untrue, it's futile. We can't possibly control or change our partners, spouses, bosses, parents, siblings, coworkers, friends, acquaintances or children.

There is only one person we can control or change, ourselves.

Someone I love dearly is an alcoholic. My problem isn't that they're an alcoholic. My problem is that I think they shouldn't be and that I'd be happy if they'd quit drinking. My problem is my perception, my thought, about their drinking.

That belief drives me to judge them and their drinking as bad and wrong. It keeps my focus off of myself, off of the problem, and on them, on the symptom. It keeps me powerless since I can never control them. I can influence them certainly, but never control them. In short, I'm in the hole in my sidewalk when I'm living in the hell of believing that they're wrong for what they're doing and that I'd be happy if they'd just change what they do.

For me to be happy then, I need to deal with the problem (my belief that their drinking makes me unhappy) not with the symptom (their drinking). To deal with the problem I need to:

1. Recognize that I have the belief. See the hole in my sidewalk.

2. Question the belief's validity. Understand that it's my 'fault' that I feel as I do.

3. Choose to alter my belief. Walk down another street.

Call to Action: Who or what are you blaming for how you feel? What would you have to be willing to change in order to experience some relief around that person or situation? What action can you take to start doing that, to begin living that change?

Remember: Your beliefs, not other people, drive your emotions. Rather than attempting to change others, debunk your beliefs in order to experience more love, peace and joy.

The Vital Connection

2009-09-23T06:05:00.005-04:00

Many people feel isolated, disconnected and lonely.

We want to be heard and understood and we look to others to do that. That's misdirected.

It's critical that we listen to and understand ourselves. That's where the connection comes in first, with ourselves. Plus, that's the only part we control, listening to and understanding ourselves.

The way we do this is through quiet meditation, stillness, reflection and self-exploration of our feelings. Yet, what do most of us run from? We run from feeling our feelings and reflecting on ourselves - in short, quiet.

This is all evidenced by our fascination with talking, reading and watching shows about other people and their lives. Anything to avoid our own lives and our own pain.

Quiet is one of those things that can only be experienced. We can read about it, talk about it, or watch others experiencing it as much as we want. But, until we live it, we don't truly know what it is.

So, stop reading this. Go and be. Quiet. Without distraction.

Namaste

Which Do You Choose ~ Being Right or Being Happy?

2009-08-31T12:37:00.003-04:00

Things are never black and white despite how they may appear. There are always an infinite number of possibilities available to us. The question is, “Are we open and willing to see them?”

We box ourselves into corners believing there’s only one right way for things to be or to be done. It isn’t true though. I know it’s not true because things aren’t just one way. That’s not the reality of it. The reality is that situations, people and events are frequently very different than the way I think or believe they ‘should’ be! They’re different than what I have often unconsciously deemed the one right way.

Here’s the kicker though: That doesn’t mean that the way situations, people and events are is ‘wrong’. What it means is that I’m seeing things very narrowly. I’m closed down or constricted as opposed to open and expansive. When I’m open and expansive, I’m experiencing more of the truth and end up feeling more at peace.

Let me give you an example. Something that is affecting lots of people right now is being unemployed. It’s pretty easy to see that this can take a toll on our mental, emotional, physical and financial well-being. So, we could say that it’s bad and wrong to be unemployed.

I’d question that though. I don’t believe that anything is inherently good or bad, or right or wrong. It’s our stories about the thing that make it seem good or bad.

Oftentimes, it’s the things that seem like trials in our lives that distill life for us so that we see what’s truly important. Losing a job can remind us how much we value our friends and loved ones and their support. It can give us the time to reflect on our lives and radically alter the path we choose to take. We may feel free to go after our dreams for the first time in our lives. It may allow us to volunteer more and positively touch many other lives that way. Losing a job creates the space for something totally new to enter our lives. Perhaps we begin exercising. Maybe we start growing some of our own vegetables to save money and end up reconnecting with the earth.

Am I suggesting that there are blessings in every person, situation and event? Definitely! It’s just a question of my being open enough to see them.

What it really boils down to is whether or not I’m more committed to being right that this thing is bad or wrong, or I’m more committed to being happy and at peace with the way things are.

Which do you choose ~ being right or being happy?

Call to Action: Look around your life. Where are you seeing someone or something as bad or wrong? What’s right about that person or situation? What else is right? What else is right?

Remember: Nothing is inherently right or wrong. It’s only our judgments, opinions, comparisons and beliefs that make it so.

More Smiles ~ July 2009

2009-08-29T18:01:00.001-04:00

The Death of a Relationship

Recently I was talking with my mom and she said something that indicated to me that she believes that her relationship with my dad ended some 30 years ago when they divorced. I disagree with that. I don’t believe relationships can ever end. My favorite t-shirt quoted Barry Commoner and said, “The first law of ecology ~ everything is related to everything else.” And one law of physics is, “Energy cannot be created or destroyed. It just changes forms.”

These two natural laws combined with my personal experiences lead me to agree with Neale Donald Walsch when he said that, “Even when you separate that which has been joined, the separated part contains part of the other part from which it has been separated. Put another way, it is possible to be apart, but it is impossible to not be a part.

Crack two eggs into a bowl and mix them up. Now try to separate them into discrete units once again.

Impossible.

Human beings are like eggs in a bowl.

We are all mixed up.”

It’s precisely because I believe all of this to be true that I work on loving and accepting all of myself. We are all connected. We cannot be separated. What I think, say and do to myself, I think, say and do to you. And what I think, say and do to you, I think, say and do to myself.

All I have to do is open to loving myself and caring for myself more and more, and I’ll be opening to loving you and caring for you more and more. Nothing exists or occurs in a vacuum. So, while it might appear that a relationship has ended through death, separation or divorce, it’s impossible. Just as the mixed up eggs can’t be separated, that person’s effect on and presence in your life cannot be removed. Nor can it be made to disappear from existence. The relationship can simply change forms.

This could sound depressing if there’s a relationship you’re trying to outrun, drown or forget ever existed. But I think it’s actually a very positive thing that once a relationship is created it always exists. True, you can’t make it go away. But you can change its form on your end.

That’s what my coaching is all about ~ changing the form of your relationships on your end so you can stop trying to outrun them, shove them away, drown them or forget they ever existed. My coaching is about changing your half of your relationships so that you feel better, think more positively, speak more responsibly and act more lovingly. Is this easy? No. Is it both possible and rewarding? Definitely.

Call to Action: Won’t you join me for a complimentary session to see what might be available to you through coaching? Contact me and we’ll find a mutually agreeable time.

Remember: This is the reason you need to focus on yourself. You are the only thing you can control. Plus, we’re all connected anyway. As you make peace with yourself, you make peace with the world. This is also why I believe that it isn’t narcissistic (despite how it might appear) to care for yourself. Every step you take toward peace, joy and love is one step forward for all beings.

Love Just Is

2009-08-14T14:18:00.001-04:00

What if I understood at the level of my heart that this stuff I spend so much time trying to protect isn’t me and doesn’t need protected? What if I got that this body, these emotions, and this fear based ego aren’t me?

What if I knew that I am the eternal love based observer? That the body, emotions and ego are temporary and fleeting? That they aren’t me and thus it’s impossible for me to be hurt through them? It’s impossible for me to be hurt period.

The love that I am is immutable, untouchable, eternal, all encompassing and ever expanding. Love is the Truth of who I am. Love is all there is. The rest is a dream, a mirage. Waking up to the love that I am is awakening from the dream.

It’s beautiful, nurturing and supportive, this love.

It’s also all that there is. Everything else is a disguise it wears in an effort to come to know, recognize and remember itself.

The body, emotions and ego are all in a constant process of becoming something else. Only love never changes. Love just is.

More Smiles ~June 2009

2009-07-14T19:05:00.003-04:00

Show Your Strength ~ Cry

There’s a conversation that I’ve been having with lots of people lately about weakness. So many people seem to think that it’s weak to show their emotions. I definitely believe that the exact opposite is true. I base my decision on this one simple question, “Which is harder, to cry in front of somebody or to hold it all in and move on?” I’ve not yet met the person who says that it’s easier to let it all out in front of somebody else. If crying in front of someone is the hard thing, then I say that that is the sign of strength because it’s the action that takes the most courage. It also happens to be the one that honors your own soul (is within your personal integrity) and that is the healthiest.

In her book Transformation Soup, the author SARK says that, “Our tears are the waterfall of the soul and it is our right to experience and express sadness and other feelings through tears.” Yet crying is something that many of us avoid as much as possible. We (especially men) have been taught that it’s weak to cry. I believe the truth is that it’s vulnerable to cry. Weakness and vulnerability are NOT the same thing.

Weakness is taking what seems like the easy road despite it actually being to our personal detriment. A good example of this is choosing to nourish anger and resentment toward somebody instead of working through the issue and apologizing for what has happened. It’s easier to remain in blame, make things the other person’s fault and be a victim about the whole thing than it is to take responsibility, own our part of it and empower ourselves to experience peace around the situation. Staying angry and resentful and holding a grudge actually blocks us from feeling peaceful about the situation. So in this case, anger is a sign of weakness.

The interesting thing is that in any given circumstance, an emotion can be a sign of strength or of weakness. It varies from situation to situation. So in a situation where you are being violated, anger (and standing up for yourself as a result of it) is a sign of strength. The determining factor isn’t the emotion, but the degree of moral fiber or personal integrity necessary to allow yourself to express it. The ‘higher road’, if you will, is always the one of strength.

On the other hand, allowing yourself to be vulnerable by crying can be one of the greatest acts of courage I know. It requires huge amounts of trust. When you’re vulnerable, you are in integrity with yourself and are exposing your belly so to speak. You are so open and raw in such moments of vulnerability. Your defenses are down and if another person wanted to, they could really try to hurt you in those moments. You are saying, “Look, here I am. This is me. I hurt. I suffer. I am in pain. I am reaching out to you. I trust you. Are you worthy of my trust? Help me, please, simply by allowing it to be okay for me to be myself in this moment and to feel what I feel, whatever I feel. Simply by allowing me to express my emotions free of any judgment. Simply by being here while I cry.”

The Truth then, is that you honor yourself when you allow yourself to cry, alone or in front of somebody else. You are expressing what you feel, your truth. You are showing great vulnerability and courage. You are taking care of your Self, your soul, by letting it know that no emotion is wrong. Feelings just are.

So, how do you choose to show up in the world? Are you usually strong or weak? Do you honor and lovingly allow yourself to feel and express all of your emotions or do you attempt to bottle them up and move on?

Feeling your emotions is the act of strength and courage, not the opposite.

Do You Try To Manipulate Like This?

2009-06-30T14:54:00.001-04:00

It’s erroneous for me to believe I need to do something to try to change someone. Over and over again, I see it played out in my own life and in the lives of my family, friends, clients and acquaintances ~ wanting someone else’s life to be different than how they want it to be. It tortures us, the ones who want more, different or better for those we care about. We end up feeling like we need to do something, that we need to try to help or change someone. Then, when our assistance is refused, we feel helpless.

You know what I’m talking about, the sibling who drifts from job to job or from town to town never seeming to be a productive member of society the way we’d like them to be, the way that we’re convinced would make them happy. Or the spouse who is an alcoholic and becoming more and more irresponsible, angry and violent, but rejects any help that we offer.

It’s actually rather arrogant of us to assume that what would make us happy would also make them happy. Or that we know what their soul’s purpose is and how they should go about living it. This behavior also doesn’t serve us because it keeps our focus off of the one thing we can change or do anything about ~ ourselves and our own thoughts, beliefs, words and actions.

Call to Action: Who are you trying to manipulate or manage? Who do you wish would act according to your standards yet keeps ‘letting you down’? What’s their behavior about which you really have an issue? How and where do you exhibit the same or a similar behavior in your own life? Are you willing to accept or change this behavior within yourself? What action will you take today or this week to help you create a shift?

Remember: You can only see and recognize a quality in somebody else that you already possess. Do you have the courage to bring your focus back to yourself?

Love and Embrace All of Your Emotions

2009-06-06T17:35:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite poems is Rumi’s, The Guest House. I’ve included it here for those of you who aren’t already familiar with it:

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each guest has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

What feelings are you telling to quiet down and go away? They’re the ones jumping up and down, begging for your attention. Will you tend to them today or wait for them to act out and yourself to become overwhelmed by them?

Usually it’s our ‘negative’ emotions that we do this with ~ our fear, anger and grief… Paralyzed by fear, consumed by anger, drowned in sorrow… This is what awaits us when we repeatedly ignore their call.

Basically, our emotions are like little kids and if they’re not getting the love and attention they feel they need, they’ll act out in order to get it.

So, when we feel our emotions are controlling us, there’s a good chance that we simply need to give them more tender loving care.

Our feelings are never wrong. Greet them with the love and compassion we’d bestow upon a sick child. Tend to their needs. Ask them what they want and then give it to them, gratefully.

All these ‘negative’ emotions want is to be loved, accepted and embraced. They have just one purpose in your life ~ to help you grow to love and accept yourself more and more. Are you willing to go there?

Namaste,

Jill

More Smiles ~ May 2009

2009-05-31T19:06:00.001-04:00

Experience Peace

We all have them, energy vampires ~ the people and situations in our lives that we dread and consequently avoid as much as possible. They suck us dry every time we’re around or in them. We may not notice it as it’s happening, but we often can’t wait to get away from them and feel exhausted when we do finally break free. Maybe it’s your friend who is always complaining about everything in their life without wanting to change anything or wanting any solutions. Or perhaps it’s the addict who either doesn’t realize or doesn’t seem to care that they are no longer in control of their life.

Regardless, their energy is negative and it can end up overwhelming you and causing you to react like a puppet on strings. There you are, having a fine time, when suddenly they show up in your thoughts or your environment. Before you even know what’s happening, you’re thrown into some old behavior pattern and are being jerked around by them. You may feel like you just want to quit thinking about them or like you want out of the situation. Escape becomes your focus.

Your day no longer feels so good. Once you have severed your contact with the thought or person, you struggle to let go of it. Maybe you vent, tune out with sleep or TV, or eat or drink to avoid having to deal with the negative energy that’s left behind.

The reason that you are sucked dry by the energy vampires in your life is because you’re not present to yourself. When you’re with them or thinking about them, you’re caught up in their story, or in your self-sabotaging fantasy of ‘shoulds’, ‘shouldn’ts’ and ‘if onlys’. (“They shouldn’t complain about all of this if they don’t want to do anything to change it.” Or, “They should recognize that the gambling/alcohol/shopping is running and ruining their life and get some help.” Or, “If only I had handled them or the situation differently.”)

You think that being in their story or in your fantasy about the way things ‘should be’ or ‘could be’ keeps you safe or provides you with a way through it. The truth is, it opens you up for harm because nobody’s at your house taking care of your stuff when you’re in somebody else’s business or wrapped up in your fantasy about the situation. And dwelling in the ‘shoulds’, ‘coulds’ and ‘if onlys’ keeps you mired in the problem. So then it happens: You feel like you’re no longer in control of yourself and you’re jerked around by what they say and do, and left feeling drained in the process.

Oddly enough, the thing you need to do to take care of yourself in this situation is the exact thing that most of us avoid: Be aware of your own feelings. Be present to your emotions and just observe them. You don’t need to try to change or control your emotions, or react to them. Name them. (Do you feel happy, sad, mad or scared?) Notice how intense they are. Locate where you’re feeling them in your body. Breathe and direct your breath to that part of your body.

Then be present and aware when a new emotion such as helplessness or anxiety shows up. Observe it. Name it and locate it in your body. Simply be with it without trying to change it. Notice how intense it is. Breathe and direct your breath to the area of your body where you’re feeling the emotion. Repeat.

It’s certainly a new way of being for most of us. It takes consistent awareness. Rest assured that when you try it, you’ll frequently fall back into your previous behavior patterns. The thing that’s important though is that you continue to practice, and you trust the process and apply it to yourself over and over again. It’s that journey that matters, not whether or not you ‘succeed’ at applying it in every situation, but whether or not you keep trying and remember to be aware.

You can read about or study being present all that you want, but without practicing it, it will do you little or no good. That’s like having only ever read about how to swim and then expecting to be able to do so successfully the first time that you jump into the deep end of the pool. Like swimming, being present or aware takes action or practice on your part first in order to be successful with it.

The beauty of living and applying this process of awareness and presence is that then it doesn’t matter what somebody else does or doesn’t do, you are still okay. You’re no longer sucked dry or overwhelmed with negative emotion. Because you attended to the one thing you have any control over anyway, yourself, you end up feeling capable, happy and at peace.

The way it works is that the other person continues to show up the way that they always have. Their behavior or the situation is the same as always, BUT YOU HAVE CHANGED. It’s as if you’re magically on an island of peace amidst the chaos. It’s beautiful and your own presence with and to yourself is what shields you from their raging tempest and keeps you from being sucked into it yourself and drowning in their misery.

Call to Action: The question that remains then is, “Are you up for the challenge?” Are you ready and willing to practice being present to yourself and your own emotions instead of racing off and trying to tend to someone else on a regular basis? I promise you that practicing this self-focused behavior will result in you experiencing more peace.

Remember: The peace is always there and always available, you’re just not present to it. You become present to it by being aware of your own emotions. You cannot do that if you’re micromanaging somebody else or in their business. You’re either in your own body, observing your own emotions and taking care of yourself, or you’re not.

Change Your Focus to Change Your Life

2009-05-27T19:35:00.003-04:00

This month for one of the monthly book discussion groups I offer, we read You Can Have It All by Arnold Patent. In the book, Patent describes Universal Principles, “basic laws that explain how the Universe works”, whether we happen to be aware of and believe in them or not. One of the Universal Principles he covers is that what you focus on expands. I wholeheartedly believe in this principle. And it is for that reason that I encourage my clients to look at how they can be braver instead of less fearful, or bring more acceptance into their lives instead of avoiding judging.

Although avoiding judgment, for example, sounds like a good thing on the surface, it’s really a recipe to bring more judgment into your life ~ to become even more judgmental of both yourself and others. The reason for this is that when you’re focusing on avoiding judgment, judgment becomes what you’re watching for, and you see what you look for. It puts your focus on the thing you claim not to want ~ in this case, judgment.

Similarly, when you look for what’s wrong, that guarantees that you’ll find it. Happily, the converse is also true: When you look for what’s right, you’ll be sure to find it. Looking for acceptance? Found. The moment you open to looking for or to seeing something, it becomes available to you.

The thing is, it was always there already. You were simply closed off to its presence, unable to see it or tuning it out. An easy example at this time of year is that you may not notice all of the bushes, trees and flowers in bloom despite their presence, until you decide to look for them or pay attention to that detail of your environment. But the blooms were there regardless of whether or not you noticed them and will continue to be there regardless.

So, applying this principle of what you focus on expands can help you to change your focus from getting out of debt to celebrating your abundance. You already have abundance in your life. This doesn’t take lying or falsification on your part. You are reading this. You have eyes that see, an understanding of written English, access to a computer, leisure time … The list goes on. Recognizing this abundance simply takes a willingness or openness to seeing that you already have abundance.

You needn’t manipulate the facts. Just be willing to see things from a bird’s eye view instead of an ant’s view. Rise above your situation or your story about how your life should be, step outside of it, heighten your awareness and you’ll see that everything that you’re searching for, you already have or are.

Do you trust that this is true? If not, are you willing to trust that it is true? Willingness and openness to seeing things differently are all that are required to turn a ‘crummy’ situation into a ‘beautiful’ one. But don’t take my word for it. Try it yourself. Rather than being locked into your beliefs (which you made up and/or bought into), open to seeing things in new ways. Therein lies real peace, love, joy and abundance.

Namaste,

Jill

More Smiles ~ April 2009

2009-05-01T12:49:00.002-04:00

Who’s in Control of Your Life?

Many of us go through life thinking and believing that we have to do certain things. Whether we recognize it or not, this type of thinking results in us being a victim. Victims might say, “I don’t have any choice,” “It’s not my fault,” or “They made me!” They often sound whiny and feel resigned to their fate. Victims believe that they don’t have much or any control and their focus tends to be outside of themselves, on others.

Don’t get me wrong, we all go there sometimes. At some point in our lives we feel and act like victims. It’s just that for some people, the victim perspective is how they see many or most of the events in their lives.

To me, the opposite of being a victim is being empowered. Empowered people understand that their lives are a series of choices. They might say things like, “I decided to do this,” “I’m responsible for how I see and react to this situation,” or “I didn’t want to do it, so I said ‘no’.” They often sound clear and feel in control of their lives. Their focus tends to be on themselves and on what they can and will do to make their lives even better.

Just as with victimhood, we all have moments where we’re empowered or very clear about who we are and what we want. It’s simply that for some people, being empowered is how they approach most or nearly all of the events of their lives.

To be clear, neither victimhood nor empowerment is better or worse than the other. Rather, empowerment usually leaves us feeling more at peace than victimhood.

Since I’m all about helping my clients feel more peaceful, I’m constantly encouraging them to pay attention to when they feel bad and whether or not they’re being a victim. The reason for this is that the first step in changing any pattern or behavior is always awareness. Once they’re aware of what they’re doing, they can choose to change it if they want to. If they’re unaware of what they’re doing, they stay stuck in victim mode, feel helpless and out of control, and are unable to break the cycle.

So, I believe that being a victim or empowered is a choice. It's a learned response that is often made unconsciously. And, while it’s true that we don’t get to control or choose lots of the events of our lives, we always choose how we react to them. Nobody else is inside our heads telling us how to respond or what to think, say or do given whatever just happened. It’s just us.

So, who’s in control of your life? You are! The question is, “Do you realize that you’re the one calling the shots in your life?”

Call to action: Where do you fall on the victim/empowered spectrum? If you’re a ‘glass is half empty’ kind of person who generally feels like somebody else is in control of your life, you’re probably mostly in victim mode. Recognizing that isn’t a bad thing though. On the contrary, it’s excellent because first you have to know where you are in order to get where you want to be.

Remember: Whether or not you feel dissatisfied with your life and spend much of your time in victim mode is within your control. If you’d like assistance noticing the patterns that are driving your life, contact me about being coached. Together we will work to see you gently and lovingly change those patterns that aren't bringing you more peace. And, the first coaching session is always complimentary so you have nothing to lose.

How Good Can You Take It?

2009-04-27T12:55:00.003-04:00

Over and over again, I need to realize that the ball never leaves my court. The question never is, “Will they still love me and accept me when they know this thing about me?” Instead, the questions are, “What might be available to me if I could still love and accept myself knowing this ‘horrible’ thing about myself? What do I need to do in order to love myself that much? And, can I take life that good?”

My experience has been that I’m constantly looking for this type of unconditional love and approval outside of myself. The ‘problem’ with this is that the issue really has nothing to do with anyone or anything outside of me, despite having been taught all of my life that it does. I was taught that one day I’d find my one true love, or soul mate, and then live a peaceful and joy filled life.

That’s the fantasy anyway. I’d find unconditional love, acceptance, trust and approval from this significant other instead of seeking it and finding it within myself. That can never work though. I can’t control anyone except myself. I’m doomed to not get from somebody else exactly what I want and need precisely when I want it and need it for so many different reasons.

Oftentimes I don’t even take the time to determine for myself what I want or need. How then could I possibly communicate it to somebody else so that they could provide me with it? What tends to happen is that I expect them to read my mind and magically meet my needs. Then when they fail to do this, I get angry and upset. It’s all so crazy! It makes perfect sense though why I’d then move through life feeling incomplete and unfulfilled.

Really, whatever I’m looking for outside of myself and hoping or expecting to get from somebody else, only has to do with me. It’s an issue of whether or not I’m willing to love myself unconditionally and accept all of myself wholeheartedly. What I’ve arrived at after years of being coached and taking my own steps toward personal growth is that I am willing to do both of those things for myself.

The question then becomes, “Are you willing to do so for yourself?” Do you see how this isn’t about getting what you need from somebody else? Do you get that it’s not about comparing yourself or your life to anyone else’s? Do you understand that it’s not even about you comparing yourself to some personal, internal and often unconscious standard?

What we’re talking about here is loving yourself. Unconditionally. Exactly as you are in this moment.

You are perfect. Always. You may not always express yourself or show up in ways that you believe are perfect. However, that does not negate and can never negate your inherent perfection.

So can you handle the peace, beauty and joy of loving yourself like this? How good can you take it?

Call to Action: According to the author, don Miguel Ruiz, once you see that everything that you’re worrying about regarding others actually has only to do with you, you’ve opened the emotional wound with this truth. Next is the time for forgiveness. Who do you need to forgive? What step do you need to take to start the forgiveness process? Are you willing to do so? Finally, after truth and forgiveness, you are ready to speed your healing by applying generous amounts of self-love. What would self-love look like in this instance?

Remember: You are the only one that can ever do anything in your life to change it. As I’ve said before, nobody else is coming. Only you can give yourself the unconditional love, acceptance, trust and approval that you so crave. Are you willing to try? That’s all that you can ever ask of yourself, to try.

Enjoying the Moment

2009-04-24T04:24:00.001-04:00

What are you listening to ~ the voice of fear or the voice of love?

I’d maintain that for most of us fear’s the default. It’s the little voice running 24/7 in most of our heads (except perhaps while we sleep or meditate).

Fear is outspoken. It’s very vocal and unafraid to speak its mind.

Love is patient. It waits to be asked its opinion.

Unless we consciously stop, suggest fear takes a rest for awhile, ask love what it has to say and then heed love’s advice, the chances are good that most of our actions are based or birthed out of fear.

So what? Why is that a problem? When our actions are based out of fear, we don’t trust that we’re provided for. We struggle, push, pull and manipulate to get what we think we need and can’t live without. It’s uncomfortable.

When our actions are based out of love, we know that we’re always provided for. Things seem to flow for us or to fall naturally into place. It feels beautiful and right somehow.

What can you do? Start paying attention to what the voice in your head is telling you. Is it trying to scare you into action by saying things like, “If you don’t go exercise, you’re going to get fat(ter)!” “You better watch your spending more closely with our current economy! Do you want to end up out on the streets?”

Is that advice to take care of yourself sound? Certainly. That’s not the issue. The issue is where it’s birthed from ~ fear.

Love might sound more like, “You know how great you feel emotionally each time you workout. So, let’s do it!” “You feel proud when you keep your word to yourself and save some money each pay period. How much are you going to pay yourself first today?”

What difference does it make where it’s birthed from if they both get you to exercise and save more money? Fear is a ‘have to’ or a ‘should’. Love is a ‘want to’, ‘choose to’, ‘get to’ or a ‘like to’. Which would you rather have your days full of ~ ‘have to’ and beating yourself up when you don’t follow through, or ‘get to’ and celebrating when you joyfully take the actions?

We only have today, this moment actually. What are you engaged in ~ a ‘should’/fear based action or a ‘want to’/love based action? What’s it going to take for you to shift so that you can start enjoying the only thing you have, this moment?

"I Believe" Poem

2009-04-11T06:08:00.003-04:00

Reframing a situation or event by choosing a more empowering belief is all that is necessary for a shift to occur within me.

I wrote a poem that has really helped me to see myself and my life experiences in a new way. In the off chance that it might also help you, I am sharing it with you now. One thing that I have found so interesting, is that I can substitute anything for "my body" - time, health, income, family- and it still makes so much sense to me and helps me to see who I really am. It also makes it clear that my thoughts create my reality.

I Believe

I believe
I am the victim of
my body.
It's not true though.
My soul is the victim
of no one and no thing.

As if
the condition of my body
could hold my soul back
from its purpose...

As if
a chipped glass
could make water taste
different than a whole glass.

Only our beliefs
can change the taste
of the water.

If
we think that
the condition of the vessel matters
in the flavor of the water,

it does.
It's that simple.

With love and healing,

Jill

More Smiles ~ March 2009

2009-04-01T19:34:00.000-04:00

A Way of Being

“Be gentle, and ask yourself and give yourself what you need.”

Really, there’s never anything more than that that we each need to do. That sure simplifies life. Yet it’s so true. It’s a one sentence directive of a way to live your life in peace and love.

Whenever you stop being gentle or quit asking and/or giving yourself what you need, life has a tendency to get ugly. That’s when you might sit around beating yourself up and believing that you’re not enough. At these times, your thoughts could sound like, “I should have more money. I shouldn’t have this problem, or I should at least be able to figure it out on my own." I ask you, are those gentle thoughts? Do they bring peace? Clearly, they don’t. Yet many of us spend a lot of time in that mindset or someplace similar.

Asking yourself what you need is an even bigger rarity. Most of us are so busy doing that we never even pause to consider what our heart or soul yearns for, let alone give ourselves what we yearn for. But, that’s exactly what we need to do in order to experience lasting peace, joy and fulfillment ~ ask ourselves what we need and then lovingly, willingly, gratefully and eagerly gift ourselves with it.

So really, living a peace-filled life can be boiled down into this one sentence: Be gentle, and ask yourself and give yourself what you need.

Call to action: Right now, stop what you’re doing or about to run off and do, and take three deep breaths. Allow your eyes to close. Simply ask yourself what you most need today or this week. Hear whatever comes up whether it makes sense or not. Would you really benefit from taking a nap? Maybe you yearn to get outside and play with your kids or pet. Are your incomplete taxes weighing you down? Whatever it is for you, are you willing to set time aside to do it today or within the next week? Take another deep breath and thank yourself for your commitment to gift yourself with what you most desire.

Remember: Try though we might to care for one another, we can only truly care for ourselves. As one of my friends likes to say, “It doesn’t matter how many aspirin I take, you’ll still have a headache.”

No One Is Coming

2009-03-30T18:05:00.008-04:00

One of the things I talk with my clients about during coaching is fantasies. Many of us seem to have some unconscious belief, or fantasy, that if we just wait long enough, the problems of our lives will resolve themselves or somebody will come and rescue us from them. But the truth is, nobody's coming.

Oftentimes we don't even recognize that we'd really like to be taken care of and have the problem or uncomfortable situation dealt with by somebody else. So, over time without us really being aware of it, things slowly get more and more out of control or further away from our version of ideal. Now, here we are in a situation we really don't want to be in, unsure of how we got here in the first place and clueless about what to do.

Lou Tice, the motivational speaker, always said, "If it's to be, it's up to me." I believe he's right. Nobody is coming to fix or change whatever you want fixed or changed in your life. It's up to you. Now is the time to quit waiting and recognize this fantasy for what it is.

Is it uncomfortable to step outside your daily routine and take new actions? You bet! But which is worse, to be uncomfortable initially while you take actions outside your comfort zone or to end up 10 years down the road with the same problems and complaints?

No one else is coming to change your life for you. Even if they came and wanted to change your life, they couldn't take the actions necessary to make it happen. It always has been and always will be up to you. You're the only one who can do what you need to do to experience greater peace, happiness and love. If you're ready for help determining what actions you need to take and being held accountable for taking them, contact me. My first coaching session is always complimentary.

More Smiles ~ February 2009

2009-03-01T16:16:00.001-05:00

Becoming The Greatest Expression Of Yourself

In late March of 2005, I went out and thru-hiked the Appalachian Trail to learn one simple truth: Pay attention to your intuition. (Or at least when I finished my thru-hike in mid-October of 2005, that’s what I thought my purpose had been. It turns out that as time passes and I come to know myself more and more, I recognize so many additional learnings spawned by my trail experience.) But what I understood right at the ‘end’ of my adventure was that intuition is the voice of my highest self and will never steer me wrong. On some level, I understood that before I even went out there. But it’s not about understanding it. It’s about living it.

Over and over again, I was tested in this. Many times I listened to and heeded my intuition. When I did, everything was golden. And I mean Golden. I could do no wrong. Everything worked better than I could have possibly dreamt or imagined. Even when things went ‘wrong’, I was unperturbed by them. I was in the flow. I was where I belonged, doing what I was supposed to do. Life was good and I felt great.

Unfortunately, more often than not, I disregarded my intuition. So often, I wouldn’t even bother to check in with it. Or, if I did check in, I wouldn’t like what it was saying, so I would ignore it. When this happened, I was miserable. Nothing went right. I had to struggle and fight to make things happen. Life was a chore and I wished to be anyplace besides where I was.

We’ve all had these experiences and know just how great or horrible they can make us feel. Before knowing about and living by my intuition, I would have just chalked them up to having a ‘good day’ or a ‘bad day’. Now I know that my days go the way they do because of what I choose to listen to.

Usually, I operate on default, like most of us do, and listen to that non-stop chattering voice in my head. That is not the voice of intuition. That is the voice of fear. Fear is what we have been taught our entire lives. It is modus operandi. We have approached life from a place of fear for so long, that it now feels comfortable to us. So comfortable in fact, that when our intuition does finally make itself heard, we frequently resist it for all we’re worth. Our fear starts ranting inside our heads, telling us how wrong we’d be to listen to that niggling feeling, that instinct, that gut reaction, that advises a different course.

Because we’re so comfortable with our fear, we do recognize that doing as suggested by that intuitive feeling would create discomfort on some level. Often we attribute that discomfort to the intuitive act itself instead of to our easy acceptance of our fear as our constant companion. We decide, therefore, to keep doing as we have been doing and ignore our intuition. It is to our detriment. Luckily though, intuition will attempt to guide us over and over again to that place where we just know our right course of action. Each time, the decision is ours. We can listen to our intuition or we can continue to heed our fear. One path leads us to be the best or highest expression of ourselves that we can be. The other holds us in our current place, never to see who we might have become.

I don’t consistently choose my intuition over my fear, but at least now I’m conscious that I even have a choice. I’m grateful to the Trail for that.

Call to action: Take a few minutes to get quiet and ask yourself what self-loving thing you know you’d like to do (what your intuition has been guiding you to do), but you have been unwilling to do up to this point. In what direction are you being guided to move and resisting doing so? Does it have to do with your family, career, health, finances, home, primary relationship, spirituality, or your leisure time? What’s one action that you can take this week to start listening to your own internal guidance?

Remember: Planning to take an action isn’t taking an action. So, go do it and remember to have fun!

What If

2009-02-24T14:50:00.004-05:00

What if I quit looking for answers or for any thing ~ love, appreciation or approval ~ outside of myself?

What if I trusted that I knew exactly what to do, and how, when and where to do it? What might be available to me?

I've spent my life like the almost sphere in Shel Silverstein's book, The Missing Piece, looking for someone or something else to complete me. What if I stopped? What if I knew that I was already and always complete despite that chunk out of my side that would seem to indicate otherwise?

What if I started asking myself for my answers and for the things I desire?

Well, my friend, I might just have found personal responsibility and the peace, love and joy that go along with it.

Do You Try to Change Like This?

2009-02-18T15:33:00.004-05:00

I used to have an unconscious agenda to change other people. Naturally, since it was unconscious, I didn’t even know that it existed. If I loved somebody and perceived that they were hurting themselves, I wanted to step in and get them to take some action. In short, I wanted to make or get them to change.

My assumption was that they were living their life wrong or that they had a problem that needed to be fixed. And, because I’m a caring person, it was my responsibility to step in there and set them straight.

The thing is, most people I know would agree with that line of thinking. I should step in and try to help somehow, especially if the person involved is someone I know and care about. I no longer believe that that is true. I now understand that when I believe that I need to get somebody else to change, I’m coming from judgment which is motivated by fear. More and more I now choose to come from love instead of fear.

So now, when I recognize that I want to rush in and ‘help’ someone (for me this almost always means get THEM to change), I stop and ask myself what my line of thinking is that got me there. When I get back to my root judgmental belief that they are living their life wrong or have some problem, I ask myself what I’d think or do if that thought wasn’t true. I mean who am I to tell someone that they are living their life wrong and should be living it the way that I say they should? How they live their life is their business and how I live my life is my business.

Recognizing that I care about them, my question simply becomes, “How can I best show them that I care?” That’s all. Not, “How can I fix their problem?” Or, “What can I do to get them to change?” Just, “How can I best show them that I care?” Nothing else. No hidden or unconscious agenda. No belief that everything would be alright if they’d just BLANK, like I know they ‘should’.

I now get that I don’t have to try to change someone in order to be doing something to help. I can just do what I need to do to care for myself by showing them that I care. I can show up as the love that I am without trying to change anybody (or in other words, without showing up as fear and judgment).

In the past, I would’ve gotten myself all worked up running with scary scenarios of what might happen if I didn’t step in and get THEM to change. (Naturally, I always believed that they were the one who needed to change. Not ME. No, I was doing it right. They were the one who was wrong. Everybody would agree with me. Ask anyone. I didn’t need to take care of myself and mind my own business. They needed to change!) Then I’d take action to make them change or at least make myself crazy or sick trying to get them to change. Because, after all, if they would have only thought or acted differently, then everything would have been RIGHT. Instead, the way things were, everything was all WRONG. Couldn’t they see that?!

When this action that I believed was motivated by my love and my desire to help (but was actually motivated by my fear and judgment) didn’t work, I would have wondered why. Why were they still thinking and/or acting ‘wrong’?

When all along, the truth was that the one who needed to change, was the only one I could change anyway ~ MYSELF. All I needed to do was to quit judging them and do what I came here to do: Share my love with them.

It feels so much cleaner, more empowered, more loving and more positive to come from this place of love, acceptance and unearthing my unconscious agendas instead of judging somebody else. I don’t have to try to change someone in order to be doing something to help. I can just show up as the love that I am.

More Smiles ~ January 2009

2009-02-01T04:30:00.000-05:00

How Are You Playing the Game?

I used to play this game that we call life in a way in which I could never win, in which I could never experience lasting peace or happiness. Let me describe it to you. Maybe it sounds familiar.

The premise of this game is that my life would be golden if other people would just think and act the way that I think they should. (If he didn’t drink, then I wouldn’t worry. If she wouldn’t complain, then I could be happy.) This game also involves a belief that I control other people’s emotions and actions. The objective of the game, therefore, becomes for me to do all that I can to make people think, act and feel the way that I think they should. As a result of this belief and the aforementioned objective, the overriding question in my life is, “What can I say or do to make them happy or to get them to do what I want?”

It’s an interesting game, but the truth of the matter is that it’s a fantasy that I control other people’s actions. Other people are totally outside my control and I can never get any of them, let alone all of them, to act the way that I think that they should. (I want to point out here that I certainly can and do influence other people. What I'm saying is that I don't get to decide how they respond to my influence.)

Not only that, but I don’t control anybody else’s thoughts or feelings. I cannot make my partner happy. I cannot make my boss like me. I cannot make my parents feel proud. I cannot make my friends peaceful. I am not inside their heads. I don’t get to pick and choose their responses to the events in their lives. Only they do.

I control one thing and one thing only ~ myself. That’s why I’m always encouraging myself and my clients (and my friends and my family members) to focus on themselves and their own needs. People don’t think, act and feel the way that I want them to. People think, act and feel the way that I need them to in order for me to learn what I need to learn from the situation. And what I need to learn always has to do with me and how I can take care of myself or show up in the world in more positive, accepting and loving ways.

This is a blessing. As they’re always telling us on aircrafts, “Put your own oxygen mask on first.” I can’t show up well for the others in my life when I’m not meeting my own basic needs. Plus, I teach by example. My actions really do speak louder than my words. It’s interesting to think about what my actions are teaching my loved ones about joy and self-care.

So, the fundamental flaw with playing the game of life this old way is the belief that I can control other people and the fact that my actions then have the agenda of trying to do just that. The root motivator of all my actions needs to be to take care of and please myself, not control somebody else and try to get them to feel, think or act the way I want them to. It’s fruitless. It’s a game I cannot win. So, I quit trying. Instead, I focus on what I can do to take good care of myself. That’s within my control. That’s a game I can not only win, but have fun playing.

Is it time for you to change your game? Are you willing?

Call to action: How are you playing the game of life? Are you so focused on others that your own wants and needs go unfulfilled moment after moment, week after week, and year after year? How do you feel when you do something that you really don’t want to do in an effort to please somebody else or get them to do what you want? Do you then feel happy, sad, mad or resentful? What loving thing do you need to do today to take care of yourself?

Remember: Other people always get to choose their own reactions and emotions, whether they do so consciously or not. You can only control yourself so it’s senseless to go through life doing things you don’t feel happy and eager to do in an effort to manage or manipulate somebody else. You can only please yourself. Start today.

What Are You Tending?

2009-01-27T15:37:00.003-05:00

I use the analogy of a garden a lot in my coaching. We clear the soil of weeds and debris, add compost, plant seeds and tend it with love and gratitude. As we do all of this with a watchful eye, our seeds germinate and flourish.

Your life is the garden. Your thinking is the soil. Opening to new ideas and to new ways of seeing and of doing things is the compost. Self-love, generosity and integrity are the seeds. Your consciousness is the tending.

If you never go outside and look at your garden, but apply the compost without removing the weeds and just have the irrigation system automatically take care of the watering, you may be surprised at what's flourishing there. One day, you may look out the window and see huge weeds that you hadn't even known were there. Yet, you've been on autopilot tending to them for weeks, month or perhaps even years on end.

The same is true of your life. If you never pause and look around your life, but simply do what you've always done, share your hurts and resentments with others to build your case against the offending party and remain closed to new ways of being, you may be surprised at what's flourishing there. Whatever we tend, grows. No, actually it thrives.

What are you tending in your life? Is your life centered around the seeds of love, peace, joy and gratitude? Are they being thought about, embraced, shared and nurtured? Or do you have the weeds of anger, hatred, sorrow and resentment overtaking everything?

We get what we sow. And whatever we tend thrives. What's in your garden?

It's within your control to change your thinking, open to new ways of being and doing and consciously nurture self-love, generosity and integrity. The question is, "Are you willing?"

More Smiles ~ December 2008

2009-01-26T10:16:00.000-05:00

Do You Limit Yourself by Thinking Like This?

Martha Beck, in her book The Joy Diet, calls it a false dichotomy. It’s where we get into a way of thinking and believing that things can only be “either/or”. I can love my family and show it by interacting with them, or not love my family and show it by not interacting with them. That type of thinking prevents us from having any other options. It locks out all other possibilities. What about loving my family and rarely if ever interacting with them? What about despising my family and being with them constantly?

Being willing to notice where we believe in false dichotomies allows life to open up for us and change to become possible. When I give myself permission to love my family dearly, yet to rarely if ever interact with them, I am able to experience profound peace within myself. I’m no longer doing something because I believe I should. I’m now doing it because it is right for me.

Doing what is right for me is a very authentic, nurturing and fulfilling way to live my life. It requires being open to looking at my thoughts and beliefs and questioning whether or not they are indeed true. Just because I’ve believed them for years doesn’t make them true. On the contrary, oftentimes the beliefs I’ve held the longest are the least true for me. I adopted them when I was young, never questioned them and held onto them as irrefutable all my life.

This puts me in mind of choosing to be a firefighter at age 6 and then going on to become one at age 26 because that’s what I said I was going to do since I was a child. Never mind that at age 26 I recognize that I have a gift in connecting with and positively impacting pre-teens. Never mind that I’m drawn to becoming a middle school teacher. I’ve known since I was 6 that I’d be a firefighter and so I am, despite that career not filling me with purpose and joy.

Really, to change takes nothing more than a willingness to observe yourself, notice what you think and believe, and then consider other possible thoughts and beliefs with which to replace the old ones. Once all that has been determined, you can take action based on your newly conceived thoughts and beliefs and see how they work for you. If that doesn’t leave you feeling more in integrity with your values, you can look at the thought or belief again, tweak it and once more take action based on it.

This is how we evolve into the people we have longed to be. This is how we live authentic lives in which we are true to ourselves instead of morphing from relationship to relationship in an effort to please others or to adhere to some unexamined belief we hold. It’s called conscious living and it’s available to anyone who is willing to put the time and the energy into exploring the one thing that they have any control over changing ~ themselves.

Call to action: Where do you engage in “either/or” thinking? What if your thoughts about this weren’t true? What else might be possible? Are you willing to try out one of the new possibilities and see how it leaves you feeling? By when will you do so?

Remember: Life is a process. It is unique to each of us. There isn’t one right way to think, be or do things. Looking around your life and changing those areas where you’ve become entrenched in a way of thinking allows you to experience greater peace. Have fun!

What Would You Do Then?

2009-01-11T09:46:00.006-05:00

Maybe what so many of us are searching for is to enjoy life exactly the way it is in every moment without searching for anything or trying to change anything outside of ourselves. Maybe what so many of us are searching for is total acceptance of and gratitude for our lives, and maybe we don't have to go anywhere or do anything to find them. We've had them all along if we'd only take the time to recognize it.

In any moment, nothing outside of me needs to change in order for me to experience peace, joy and love. They're always present and available to me. It's simply a question of whether or not I recognize that fact.

How and where do you find yourself believing that you'll be happy, peaceful and loving if and when something happens or someone else changes? You deserve peace, joy and love in every moment. What thought or belief can you let go of, or what action can you take to gift yourself with them right now? Do you need to offer someone an apology, forgive someone, give up being right or ask yourself what love would do or say in this situation? Do so, and enjoy your life!

Richard Bach asks in his book, Illusions, "And what would you do ... if God spoke directly to your face and said, 'I COMMAND THAT YOU BE HAPPY IN THE WORLD AS LONG AS YOU LIVE.' What would you do then?" And I ask you the same thing: "What would you do then?"

For That, I Am Grateful

2009-01-07T09:44:00.003-05:00

It is so easy to focus on what's 'wrong' within my self, my world and my family. While that may be what's easy and comes most naturally to me, that doesn't mean that it serves me. On the contrary, it actually blocks me from experiencing the gratitude, appreciation and awe that are inherent in the miracle of existence.

It is a miracle that I can have these thoughts and have a means to share them with you, and that you can arrive at some understanding of what I'm conveying. It's a gift that the sun rises each morning and sets each night, and that I can see it. It is one of life's greatest blessings that I can breathe freely every day and live without fear of being able to take my next breath.

Clearly, I don't have to search far to find things that are 'right' or even miraculous. What might be available to you if you regularly tapped into that view of the world ~ what is awe-inspiring and bliss-producing? You really do have so much to be grateful for. Are you taking the time to recognize and acknowledge it?

What practice can you start today that will support you in expressing your gratitude every day?

Choices

2008-12-31T13:26:00.005-05:00

I always have choice in everything that I think, say and do. I may choose to believe that I don't like any of the choices available to me, but that doesn't negate the fact that I have choices. Saying and believing that I don't have any choice in what I think, say or do is a lie, plain and simple. It keeps me a victim and irresponsible. What belief would I have to change or question to know that I always have choice? Am I willing to question it?

I can be irritated that it's cold outside, or grateful that I've lived to see another change of the seasons. I can be judgmental of my family's actions or grateful that they're a part of my life and helping me to learn and grow. I have choice in EVERYTHING. ALWAYS. It no longer serves me to forget or deny this.

How and where in your life do you believe that you don't have choices and don't get to do what you want to do? Are you willing to admit that it isn't true? What might be possible for you if you accepted that you always have choice in everything?

Do You Judge Like This?

2008-12-11T14:04:00.001-05:00

Up is no better than down. Right is no better than left. Top is no better than bottom. Why then do we choose to make happiness better than sadness? Peace better than war? Love better than hate? Don’t they all serve us? Doesn’t each one help guide us to a greater understanding of ourselves, others and the world? How then can we judge one as good and the other as bad? The question makes no sense. They’re all equal. They all are. Period. Not right or wrong, good or bad. To assign such labels requires judgment. Judgment requires comparison. Comparison leads to dissatisfaction.

There’s nothing to be dissatisfied with or about. Everything is as it is. The past cannot be undone and the future can only be changed during its present moment. Nothing is accomplished in either the past or the future. Only now. Now is all we have.

What are you doing now? Where are your thoughts? What actions are you engaged in? What are you learning? How are you growing, sharing, connecting and behaving lovingly and compassionately? Right now. In this moment. That’s what matters.

More Smiles ~ November 2008

2008-11-30T09:38:00.000-05:00

Experience Peace by Embracing Life

Most of us consistently engage in a behavior that dooms us to feeling disappointed, angry and resentful: we expect people or situations to be a certain way and resist the way that they actually are. Worse yet, many of us have no idea that we even operate like this! We may even bend over backward trying to please somebody else and overstep our own boundaries and integrity in the process. Then, when the person we were trying to please still isn’t happy, we’re left wondering why we even bothered. The truth is, why bother? Each of us can only please ourselves. Nobody else can do it for us.

As long as I expect people or situations to be a certain way, I’m locked into things looking or being just one way. If my friend, business associate or family member respects me, then they’ll return my calls. If my spouse or partner loves me then they’ll do what I want them to do. Well, what happens when my calls aren’t returned and my spouse or partner does what they want instead of what I want them to do? If I’m unwilling to accept things the way that they actually are, I may very well end up spending most of my time feeling miserable. Actually, expecting usually sets me up for unhappiness since I don’t get to control the people and circumstances of my life, and rarely if ever is reality an exact match to my expectations.

Expecting sounds like, “Things have to go THIS way. Everything is all wrong.” It feels like disappointment, anger or resentment. It looks rigid, righteous and unyielding. Having expectations makes us dependent on other people and the circumstances of our lives in order to be happy.

Accepting sounds like, “Things went differently than I thought they should or might go, but it turns out that’s great because ________. Everything is all right.” It feels like peace and joy. It looks soft, opening and giving. Being accepting of whatever presents itself in our lives allows us to experience peace and joy regardless of our circumstances. (This does not mean to stay in an abusive or unhealthy situation. This means that you can see the benefits of your current situation even as you take actions to change things for the better. Maybe you have a strong support system on which you can rely, or perhaps you have a plan that you’ve begun to put into action to remove yourself from the situation.)

Changing the way that we think and behave from expecting to accepting can feel uncomfortable because we’ve formed opinions since a young age about the way things should be and how people should act. But, when you accept the way things actually are, you begin to experience peace on a more regular basis. Things flow instead of feeling like a struggle. You’re not only opening to the situations and circumstances of your life, but also embracing the people in it, including yourself.

Call to Action: Where in your life do your expectations have you locked in and resisting the current reality? What do you gain by thinking and behaving this way? What might be possible for you or available to you if you chose to consciously recognize the gifts in the way things actually are? What action can you take this week to shift around this person or situation?

Remember: Nobody else can make you happy via their words or actions. It’s only your thoughts about yourself and the world that determine whether you live in peace and the flow of life, or in discontent and resisting life. Which do you choose, to expect or to accept?

What's Your Truth?

2008-11-19T17:55:00.001-05:00

Based on our life experiences, values and beliefs, each of us has our own truth. What is true for you is not necessarily true for me and vice versa. There is space for all of our truths to coexist simultaneously. No one has to be right and no one has to be wrong. What’s true for us is simply true for us. And it is okay for our truths to change in any given moment or on any given day. Actually, it’s natural for a person who is growing and changing to have what is true for them grow and change with them.

Don Miguel Ruiz says in his book, The Mastery of Love, that we should not believe him. Similarly, he advocates that we don’t believe anyone else, or even ourselves. I think that this is really sound advice. What it means to me is to recognize that what is true for anybody else is not necessarily true for me and that what I accept as true for me may not actually be my only truth. Basically then, acting on Ruiz’s advice has me continuously questioning what I believe to be true. This is a very useful tool for personal growth.

When I’m not questioning my thoughts and what I believe to be true, I become entrenched in my thinking, stagnant and locked into just one way of viewing myself and the world. Clearly, this is hardly conducive to growth. Questioning, on the other hand, brings me present to this moment and what is true for me within it. With these realizations, comes greater self-knowledge.

It’s also important for me to point out that I only know my own truth and you only know yours. Consequently, I don’t have your answers. What a relief! I don’t know what’s right for you and you don’t know what’s right for me. It’s a beautiful and liberating thing because it means that ultimately, as adults, we are each responsible only for ourselves.

What Are You Waiting For?

2008-11-17T12:03:00.002-05:00

Richard Bach says in his book, Illusions, that it’s not faith that we need or lack in our lives, it’s imagination. We create and draw into our lives all that we experience. So, to change what we have, we need to imagine what we’d like to have. This got me thinking about peace. Really all I want more of in my life is peace. This is great because it happens to be one thing that I control. Woo hoo!

In the past, when I thought about peace, I thought about it in more global terms. It was always ‘out there’ somewhere. It didn’t have much to do with me, because I wasn’t going around waging war. Or so I thought. The truth is that I’m not peaceful anytime that I’m judging. As soon as I think someone or something is right or wrong, I’m no longer present with myself. I’ve entered into my story and I’m running with it. Usually this looks like me trying to build a case to persuade myself or someone else that I’m right. The point I’m trying to make here is that peace doesn’t happen first in the world around us and then we can feel peaceful within ourselves. Peace starts inside us and then it naturally shows up in the world around us, not the other way around.

This has been really obvious to me when I think about the recent presidential election. You know, I’ve got my life experiences and the things that I value dictating what I choose to believe. From this, I align with whichever candidate or party seems the most similar to my beliefs. The easy thing to do is to then believe that anyone who doesn’t believe the same things I do is wrong, uninformed or just plain stupid ~ to judge them for being different than I am, in other words. Repeatedly, I’ve found myself wondering how anybody could possibly align with the ‘other’ party.

My tendency is to believe that if they’d simply ‘get it’ and change their beliefs, we’d have peace. Obviously, that isn’t true though. The issue isn’t whether or not we all think alike. (I’m actually quite glad that we don’t or the world would be a truly boring place.) The issue is whether or not I can own that I’m waging war within myself when I think that somebody else is wrong, or even when I think that I’m wrong. I’m anything but calm and peaceful when I believe that somebody else is wrong. In fact, I’m usually loud and quite agitated.

The truth is that the ‘other guy’ isn’t wrong and I’m right, or vice versa. We’re both right. When we take into consideration what our life experiences have been and what we each value, it becomes very clear that our beliefs are right for us. My beliefs are right for me, and yours are right for you. One of us doesn’t have to be right and one of us wrong. In fact, that kind of thinking creates war within us. I believe that our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. So, if there’s war surrounding us, as there is in our world, then it’s there to mirror the war within us. Clean up the war within us and the war without us can’t continue. How can it possibly continue without us?

Well, like I said earlier though, the good news is that this is within my control. I get to choose to be right, which may be what I’m most used to doing, or to be at peace. I choose peace. This requires that I imagine what peace might look and feel like inside of me concerning this situation. Peace is warmth, beauty, joy and acceptance coursing through my body. Peace is physical relaxation and perhaps a smile on my face. Peace is observing my thoughts instead of wholeheartedly believing them and then making ‘the other guy’ wrong for believing differently.

How fun to then imagine in what ways my life might be different if I just consistently engaged in this behavior of observing myself instead of judging others! What might be possible for me? How might my family life change, my business alter, the city in which I live be affected by this one simple act of me becoming more peaceful?

That’s where my thoughts can dwell when I have a moment to myself to think and be quiet ~ to imagining all the beauty that could be possible in my life and surroundings just by my shifting out of judgment and into observation, into peace.

Call to Action: Where are you giving away your chance for peace and blaming somebody else for it? “It’s their fault! If they’d just think like me, everything would be grand!” Notice how you feel when you do this. What happens to you physically? Where do your thoughts go? Is this something you want more of in your life? If not, ask yourself what you can do to shift this pattern in your way of being, then commit to doing so, and do so. Start today.

Remember: The difficult but responsible thing to do is to own and accept that you are the only one that controls what’s going on inside of you and in your life. If it’s less than ideal, only you can change it. As long as you wait for everybody else to change and get their thinking and their act together, you get to be right but miserable. What are you waiting for?

More Smiles ~ October 2008

2008-10-31T16:32:00.003-04:00

What’s Your Motivation?

The more conscious I become of my thoughts, words and actions, the more I recognize how much of my life is controlled by ‘shoulds’, ‘supposed to’s’, and ‘have to’s’. What I’m only just now realizing though is what’s behind those ‘shoulds’. By ‘behind’ I mean the thought that’s leading me to believe I ‘should’, am ‘supposed to’ or ‘must’ think, say or do something. The truth for me is that I’m now aware of two things that are behind a lot of my ‘shoulds’.

One of these two things is my desire to please people. This is where I believe that what I think, say or do makes somebody else happy or unhappy. Not only is this belief of mine untrue, but it’s irresponsible in that it has me constantly focusing my attention on what somebody else may or may not be thinking or feeling instead of on the one thing I can control and am responsible for ~ myself.

(See the May 2008 edition of More Smiles here on my blog for more on the topic of people-pleasing.)

The second thing that I’ve recently come to understand is behind many of my ‘shoulds’ is a previously unconscious bartering or trading. For me, this bartering is simply how things have always been done. For the past few years, I’ve been resisting bartering without knowing that that was what was going on. Let me explain. When I give someone a birthday present primarily because they gave me one for my birthday, I’m bartering. I’m not giving them a gift because I want to, like to or love to. I’m giving them a gift because I’ve been taught that it is polite to barter. I'm trading my gift for theirs. It’s an obligation. I think I should give them a gift since they bought me one. (In this instance, I'm also people-pleasing in that I don't want to hurt their feelings.)

So, I’ve been in the process of weeding the ‘shoulds’ out of my life and replacing them with authentic desires (my ‘want to’s’, ‘like to’s’ and ‘love to’s’). It feels so much better to me to be motivated by my pure desire to give to someone else, instead of my fear that I'd “better do it or else”. In the past, I was very busy moving through my life without being present in it and minding everybody else’s business. And, I didn’t take the time to first determine and then speak my truth.

All that has changed. I'm now more present or conscious than I ever have been. I endeavor to mind my own business. When I catch myself going on about somebody else in my thoughts or words, I stop and investigate how this is really about something I’m unhappy about in myself. I also take the time to determine my truth and I have the courage to speak it.

Does everyone in my life like the changes that they’re seeing in me? Honestly, I don’t know. I haven’t asked. I like the changes.

Am I making other people throughout my life really happy now? Again, I haven’t asked. But, I’m sure that I’m happier and I know that it’s impossible for me to please everyone else anyway. Besides, they’re not my business. I am.

For me, this is all about responsibility ~ being responsible for myself and consciously moving through my days with clarity, intention and purpose. I used to be so worried about the ‘shoulds’, ‘supposed to’s’ and ‘have to’s’ that they overwhelmed my days and my thoughts. There was neither time nor energy left for the soul filling, joy producing ‘love to’s’. Besides, I didn’t believe that I deserved the ‘love to’s’ anyway. Now I know better. We each deserve to fill our days with thoughts, words and actions that express our love and that fill us with love as we think, say and do them.

Call to Action: What are your ‘love to’s’? Get quiet and make a list of them. If you struggle to come up with many, for one week at the end of each day write down what you thought, said or did that day that either expressed your love or filled you with love. (It’s also in giving that we receive.) When the week is over, commit to consciously choosing to do at least one of those ‘joy producers’ or ‘love to’s’ each day for the next week. Wouldn’t it be more fun to roll out of bed in the morning if you had one of those to look forward to every day?

Remember: The things you commit to don’t have to be expensive or time consuming thoughts, words or actions. It doesn’t take much time or cost a penny to think to yourself, “Awesome job!” for a project well done. It’s quick and free to hold your child on your lap while you read them a bedtime story. And who knows what difference the small donation of time or money that you offer to a charity will make?

Wonder

2008-10-16T09:05:00.004-04:00

Rescue everyone.
From what?
From their own terrifying thoughts, from themselves.

I can't.

I can only release myself from my own frightening thoughts and beliefs,
And they can only release themselves from their terrifying thoughts and beliefs.
In liberating myself,
I show them a way, a path a possibility for themselves.
There is an alternative to the horrors we each put ourselves through every day with our scary and judgmental thoughts:
Question their validity and
In so doing, allow the thoughts to let go of you.

Be curious enough to wonder,
"Who is holding whom?"
Are you clinging to your thoughts for dear life, or
Are they clinging to you?

More Smiles ~ September 2008

2008-09-30T17:30:00.001-04:00

What Are You Thinking?

I’ve spent my life believing that I’d be happier if only x, y or z would happen, or if only a, b or c hadn’t ever happened. It’s not true though. My happiness truly doesn’t depend on any person, situation or event outside of myself. My happiness depends solely on my thoughts. Whenever I feel bad ~ sad, angry or hurt ~ I know that I’ve just been thinking some thought that caused that emotion.

Since I’ve spent my life practicing the belief that my happiness depends on someone or something outside of myself, I often don’t even notice the thoughts that ‘set me off’, or lead me to the ‘negative’ emotion. I really have to be present and pay attention to how I’m feeling if I hope to lead a happier and more peaceful life. Again, these ‘negative’ emotions aren’t bad. It’s more like they’re compassionate reminders of the fact that I’ve been thinking untrue and disturbing thoughts.

So, what can I do about it? What can I do when I recognize that I’m feeling disgruntled that my sibling isn’t doing what I think they should, or my financial picture isn’t what I expect it should be or somebody hurt me terribly in my childhood? I can start by noticing the thoughts I’m thinking about that person, situation or event. Whatever the thought is, I clearly believe it or it wouldn’t have sent me down the path I’m on and into my negative and unhappy spiral. But the question is, “Is my thought true?” What I’ve repeatedly found from applying Byron Katie’s process, The Work, is that my original thought is never the only truth about that person, situation or event. And, my believing that it is the only truth keeps me closed off and stuck in misery or uncomfortable feelings.

Regardless of whether or not I believe with all my heart and soul that my original thought is true, I can still choose to notice how thinking that thought makes me feel. What emotion do I feel when I think this? How do I treat the person, situation or event about which I’m thinking it?

And, if I didn’t think or believe this thought, what might I be sitting here thinking, feeling, saying and doing instead?

What it boils down to is that everything I see going on outside of myself in others and in the world around me is really just a reflection of what’s going on inside me. I’m usually totally unaware of it going on inside of myself though and so I need the rest of the world in order to learn about myself and to grow. When I understand this truth, I can take whatever my original thought was and ‘turn it around’ to myself. If I was seeing selfishness in my sibling, I can look for instances of where and how I’m selfish. Or, if my original thought was that my financial picture should look more positive, I can look for how my thoughts should look more positive. If I felt resentment toward someone for some past hurt, I can look for ways in which I’ve hurt myself or others.

This is basically a description of Byron Katie’s process, The Work. The Work is a series of questions that allow us to become aware of our thoughts instead of continuing to be controlled by our thoughts. We each have a story. If I asked you to tell me about your life, there are certain things you’d be sure to include: the death of your grandfather, going to college or your career path. The Work allows you to step outside of your story and take a truthful look at what you’ve made the events and circumstances of your life mean about yourself.

Call to Action: The next time you find yourself feeling some ‘negative’ emotion stop for a moment and notice what thought you had just been thinking. I guarantee it was an uncomfortable thought for you. Then take yourself through The Work. Ask if the thought is true, how you feel and react when you believe the thought, who you’d be and what you might think without the thought and then ‘turn the thought around’. See Byron Katie’s http://www.thework.com/thework.asp for a more detailed description of applying this process to your thoughts.

Remember: This isn’t about what’s right or wrong, it’s about investigating the truth and coming to know, love and understand yourself better. It's about experiencing lasting peace and happiness. My experience has been that I get so caught up in what I think is right or wrong that I ignore, fight or miss the truth. When I’m fighting the truth, I feel anxious, wrong, mad, afraid or whatever ‘negative’ emotion. To feel more peace and joy, I only have to quit fighting the truth by exploring my thoughts.

Would You Rather Be Right, Or Happy And At Peace?

2008-09-30T05:22:00.020-04:00

Even if my body is injured, hurt or damaged,
I can only be emotionally hurt if my thoughts
are that my body, things, situations, people, or life
should be different than how they are.

Always, it’s only my thoughts
that can cause me emotional pain and suffering.
Not even what somebody else does
to me physically can do that.

My body might hurt,
ache or bleed, but
I only suffer emotionally over
that if and when I
believe that my body
shouldn’t do those
things yet still it is
doing those things.

Always, it’s only my thoughts
that can cause me emotional pain and suffering.

If I believe I should be
asleep when I’m awake in
the middle of the night,
being awake causes me to
suffer.

If I believe
my thoughts, words and actions
affect somebody
else’s happiness, and someone
around me is unhappy with
what I’ve thought, said or done, then
my thoughts, words and actions cause me to
suffer.

If I believe I need
somebody else’s acceptance,
approval and understanding
to be who I am and do what I do,
and I don’t have their acceptance,
approval and understanding,
then I suffer without it.

It’s always my thought or belief that causes my
emotional pain or suffering, not what somebody else does
or doesn’t say or do, and not how the situation does
or doesn’t play out.

I do not control anybody
else’s happiness, just
as they do not control
mine. My thoughts
determine my happiness
and nobody else is in my
head telling me what
to think ~ just me. In
each moment, I choose
happiness or sadness,
trust or fear, peace
or war based on the
thoughts I choose to
believe and how believing those
thoughts makes me feel.

The same is true for everybody else.
So, if somebody tells me that I
made them angry or hurt their
feelings, it’s not true! It’s
their thinking about what I
said or didn’t say, or did or didn’t
do, that makes them angry or
hurts their feelings.

This is so subtle, yet so profound!

So, if I tell somebody that they
made me angry or hurt my
feelings, it’s not true! It’s
my thinking about what they
said or didn’t say, or did or didn’t
do, that makes me angry or
hurts my feelings.

I can choose to be right and justified in
my anger and hurt, and keep believing my thought,
or I can choose to be happy and at
peace by exploring and investigating
my thought. The question then becomes,
“Would I rather be right, or happy and at peace?”

Continuing the Journey with Your Emotions

2008-09-13T06:33:00.003-04:00

Something that I say a lot is to allow yourself to feel your emotions. When I say that, I don’t mean to then park and live there. I don’t mean to hang on to them with all your might. There’s always an ebb and flow of emotions moving through us if we’ll allow it.

I know that I have a tendency to get angry with someone or something and then build my case for being angry. Then, once I have my case firmly built, I can comfortably and very righteously LIVE in that place of anger. While that’s very human, it’s not particularly healthy or growth oriented.

It’s much healthier to notice my gripe with that person or thing, recognize that I feel angry and that I’m in the process of building my case to deserve to feel angry and STOP THE PROCESS THERE AND REDIRECT IT. Rather than creating Angry Land where I can live ‘happily’ ever after, I can start to get at the truth around my anger by being curious about it. This curiousness allows me to naturally and healthfully move through the emotion. (Again, it’s not that it’s wrong or bad to feel the emotion, but I don’t want to park or live there. All emotions are intended to flow.)

There are lots of ways I can be curious about my emotion. I can look at my physical body, my thoughts or my actions. When I notice that I feel angry, I can ask myself where the anger shows up in my body. What am I actually feeling in my body to even know that I’m angry? Is my jaw clenched or my stomach tight? Have I experienced this before, and if so, when?

Once I’ve explored my physical feelings, I can be curious about my thoughts. What thoughts are going through my head while my body is feeling this way? “I can’t believe she did this to me again! It’s the fourth time! How long am I going to put up with this? I shouldn’t be such a wimp!” Blah, blah, blah, blah blah… If I allow myself to get that far, I’m well into my story.

By that point I’ve built what feels like really strong justification for my anger. The beautiful part of this is that there are probably some very interesting things I can learn about myself if I pause and investigate these thoughts. It can be helpful to ask myself what I am really angry with her for. Another thing to be curious about is what I may be angry with myself for. How have I been making myself angry? And, what do I get out of being angry with myself or with her? (I wouldn’t engage in the behavior if there wasn’t some payoff in it for me.)

I can also explore my actions and reactions. How do I react when I’m angry with her ~ what do I think, say and do? How does it make me feel to react this way? What action can I take, what can I do, to experience some relief around this situation?

All of this questioning and being curious allows me to float freely through my emotions instead of getting stuck or bogged down in one emotion because of how justified I believe I am to feel that way. (I know I’m right, and you know I’m right. Remember my story about it? It proves I’m right!) That’s what feeling your emotions is all about: acknowledging what you feel when you feel it, consciously dwelling there as you explore it and lovingly allowing yourself to flow through the emotion. Feeling your emotions, being curious about them and moving through them is an alternative to building a solid case for how you’re right to feel what you feel and walling yourself in with this case so that you can cling to and wallow in that emotion seemingly forever.

Call to Action: Where are you stuck in some ‘negative’ emotion like fear, anger, resentment or worry? What story or case have you built to support your right to be there? What might be available to you if you started to be curious about it all instead of being so committed to being right to feel that way?

Remember: Allowing yourself to feel your emotions and recognizing what you’re feeling is a great first step. To continue on your path of growth, next become curious about your feelings and compassionately investigate them rather than building a case for how right you are. Be open to seeing the whole situation differently, through new eyes, and you’re well on the road to lasting peace and joy.

What Are Your Actions Telling You?

2008-09-05T09:37:00.010-04:00

I've noticed that I have a pattern. I say that I'm committed to something, but then I take actions that actually head me in the opposite direction of what I claim to desire. My eating is a good example. I've been saying that I want to eat better by incorporating more fruits and vegetables into my diet and yet not eating more calories overall. But what I've been doing isn't that at all! I have done a pretty good job of eating more fruits and veggies. The 'problem' if you will is that I'm also eating more calories over all. There's a line from the movie The Kindergarten Cop where Arnold Schwarzenegger's fellow undercover police officer is sick as a dog from eating everything but the kitchen sink. She says something to the effect of, "It couldn't have been the nuts. It couldn't have been the tomato juice. It couldn't have been the potato chips. It couldn't have been the grapes. It couldn't have been the candy bar. It couldn't have been the pizza ... (that made her sick)." That's how I recognize I frequently feel after dinner. Yes, I ate fruits and veggies, but what about all the other junk I threw in on top of my dinner?

The end result is that I end up worrying about my eating going berserk while I do it anyway. As my niece would say, "Is that insane, or what?" Well, I'm always claiming that recognition is the first step and it's true. Now that I've recognized this insane behavior, I can choose to investigate it if I want. What I notice instantly when I investigate this eating pattern is that I feel anxious, ashamed, out of integrity, uncomfortably full and unsettled when I engage in it. I also feel disappointed in myself and my lack of progress toward leading a healthier lifestyle. Then, I get frustrated and I want to give up.

Does any of this sound familiar to you regarding some area of your life? It's not something unique to eating. It could be that you do this type of thing pertaining to your spending, or to your organizing, or to your working. Maybe you say that you want to save a certain amount of money each month, but then you fail to do so. Or perhaps you desire a decluttered home, but each evening and weekend finds you parked in front of the TV or out running around. It could be that you say you have a work goal you'd like to achieve and rather than planning out steps to take to achieve that goal, you spend time socializing with your coworkers.

The point of all of this is that our actions always speak louder than our words. Saying that I want one thing and taking actions that oppose that show me that I'm more committed to something else. To continue the investigation of my eating pattern, I asked myself, "What am I more committed to?" I'm more committed to instant gratification and to eating what I want when I want. (Don't tell me what to do! : ) The issue with this is that that kind of commitment nets me the same results ~ poorer health and uncomfortable feelings. The good news is that I get to choose the decisions that I make. I can choose differently if I'd like to experience different outcomes.

What can I do to help myself make different choices? Is there an action I can take or one I can stop taking that would make it easier for me to remember what I choose to head toward? Might it help if I posted a note in the kitchen that reminded me that health and wellness are a choice? Or would I benefit from not waiting until so late to eat so that I'm not as hungry once dinner rolls around? Maybe I want to journal about what I get out of eating whatever I want whenever I want. The possibilities are endless.

Call to Action: Pick one area in which you say you want one thing but your actions indicate that you're currently more committed to something else. Choose to pay attention to how you feel when you're engaging in one of the behaviors that leads you away from your stated goal. What thoughts go through your head? What are you more committed to than achieving your goal? Would you rather stay comfortable by doing what you've always done than risk changing? Finally, ask yourself what action you can take this week to help yourself make different choices. Do you need to enlist someone to help hold you accountable? Commit to taking whatever action comes up for you.

Remember: The truth is that your actions speak louder than your words. If you think or say that you want one thing but you keep taking actions that lead you away from that, you're really telling yourself what you're more committed to. Are you willing to investigate it? That's the first step toward change. Have fun!

More Smiles ~ August 2008

2008-08-31T15:55:00.002-04:00

Whose Business Are You Minding?

Everything is all about me in that it’s my thoughts that either torment me or bring me peace. I’m always telling myself and the people with whom I work, to focus on themselves. On the surface this sounds narcissistic, but it’s not. It’s responsible.

Basically, all your complaints about other people and events are really advice being given by you, to you. Recognizing this truth is quite liberating. Once you realize and accept this you can start to be curious about your thoughts and statements. When I’m thinking or saying, “She needs to clean up her yard,” it’s really my inner wisdom telling me something to compassionately take a look at within my own life. Maybe my lawn is immaculate so it isn’t true for me that I need to take better care of my yard. Then, I can ask myself, “What do I need to take better care of?” What have I been neglecting? Are my finances a mess? Do I fail to get appropriate amounts of exercise? Am I a workaholic?

In my view, no matter what person, situation or event I’m looking at in my life, it always comes down to the same thing. I have to do my own work in order to experience lasting peace and joy. By my own work, I mean that I always have to focus on myself, be curious about my own thoughts and emotions, or as the author Byron Katie says ‘mind my own business’.

According to Katie, with every thought I am either minding my own business, somebody else’s business or God’s business. (I’m not saying that you need to believe in God, nor is Katie. By ‘God’s business’, all that is meant is things that are out of everyone’s control. Feel free to believe in God or not.) When I’m thinking, “She needs to get out and have some fun, they shouldn’t yell, or he needs to keep me informed,” I’m minding somebody else’s business. On the other hand, when I’m thinking, “This drought needs to end or Hudson shouldn’t have autism,” I’m minding God’s business.

Whenever I’m worrying about anything other than my own business, I’m blocking myself from much growth and learning and creating anxiety and discomfort within myself to boot. Remember, everything is all about me in that it’s my thoughts that either torment me or bring me peace. So, to both experience lasting peace and joy and to grow spiritually and emotionally, my focus needs to be on my own business. Whose business are you minding?

Call to Action: Notice when you’re in somebody else’s business. Are you thinking how irresponsible your friend is because of all of their debt? Should there be no war? Do you wish that your neighbor would take better care of their pet? Are you worrying about dying? Should your parent, partner, friend, child or co-worker do what you ask them to do? All of these are examples of minding somebody else’s business. When you catch yourself, ask yourself how this thought is true about you in your own life. Do so compassionately. Rather than beating yourself up and making yourself wrong, be curious about yourself and your thoughts.

Remember: When you are focusing on yourself and your thoughts, the goal isn’t to blame or shame yourself. The intention is to be curious about what you are thinking and to recognize whether the thoughts torment you or bring you peace. You are either questioning your thoughts in a search for truth and subsequent peace or you are blindly accepting and believing your thoughts and holding on to being right. Which are you more committed to ~ being right or being curious about the truth?

What Are You Making of Life?

2008-08-06T12:53:00.000-04:00

I had a really unusual day last week. My car broke down, and that was a surprise because it had been running perfectly. But, the owner at the business I was at was so incredibly nice! She let me use her phone and phone book to call AAA, gave me pen and paper to write the info down, and offered me a bottle of water while I waited. She even asked me to bring in business cards and display them at her business!

AAA got there really fast, and my car was running in no time. I had called my dealership to see if they could get me in to service it, but no luck. So, I called another garage and they said they could fit me right in. They looked at my car and quickly determined that I needed more work than we had anticipated. (It turns out that my alternator had gone bad and taken my battery with it. You always have to watch who you hang out with! ; ) But, they both had an alternator and the time to do the work. I gave them the go ahead.

It was getting pretty late in the day by then, and I hadn’t had any lunch. So, I walked to a nearby restaurant, which happens to be my FAVORITE restaurant in town. They were closed until dinnertime when they’d reopen. But, they offered to make me lunch anyway! Shortly after I finished my delicious to-go meal, the garage called to let me know that my car was done.

It was so strange! Every time something went ‘wrong’, something else related to that followed immediately that was so ‘right’. It just feels like further proof to me that the good stuff is always there if we’re open to it and look for it. (On that day I didn’t have to look hard at all to see it. The ‘good’ stuff was always so blatantly staring me in the face.)

I’m thinking that it’s always true that the ‘good’ stuff exists in every situation, even those that seem the darkest and bleakest. One of the most touching and beautiful experiences of my life happened as a result of and almost immediately on the heels of my dad’s death. My sister and niece, Lily, had flown into town shortly before dad passed. The two of them and my step mom were staying at our house. The night that dad died, none of us slept well. I know I was numb from the shock of it all since he had been healthy and well only hours earlier, and assume that everyone else felt that way too ~ except my niece who was too young to know what was going on.

Anyway, all of us adults ended up awake and prowling the house in the middle of the night. Not knowing what else to do, we sat down to have some tea. As the four of us sat at the dining room table drinking tea and watching dawn approach, we heard Lily stirring in the other room. My sister immediately moved to go and get her, but my partner looked longingly in that direction. My sister told my partner she could go and get Lily and at that moment, the four of us realized we all wanted to go together. So we did.

Once we got in the bedroom, we gathered around the bed where Lily was laying smiling and cooing. We all touched her, stroked her and spoke comforting and reassuring things to her. She looked at each of us and made happy noises back. In that moment, I experienced such profound joy and connection. We wouldn’t have all been together, just the five of us women, without Dad’s death.

I am profoundly grateful for the experience. Once again, I believe it reinforces the notion that nothing is inherently good or bad. It’s all what we make of it. True, nothing had changed regarding Dad’s death. He was still physically gone. I still felt huge loss. But the loss was somehow more bearable now, its edges weren’t as pointed and hard and unyielding as they had been only minutes before. The grace and light of our shared connection as we gathered around Lily and she reminded me that as Dad always used to say, “Life is good,” had softened the intensity of my grief.

Call to action: Where are you only looking at and for what’s wrong? Can you find any beauty in the person, event or situation? Are you willing to open your mind, thoughts and beliefs and try?

Remember: Nothing is inherently good or bad. Everything simply IS. We frequently torture ourselves with our repetitive negative thoughts about a person, situation or event. It doesn’t have to be that way. You have the power to change what you focus on. It’s up to you to do things differently. Nobody else can do it for you.

More Smiles ~ July 2008

2008-07-30T18:06:00.004-04:00

Do You Feel Challenged to Receive?

I’ve been doing a lot of receiving in my life lately. I injured my leg earlier this week and have received quite a bit of help ~ getting to the doctor, having doors held open and having things brought to me. Plus my birthday was this past week so I've received many cards, well wishes and gifts. What I’ve recognized is that receiving can be difficult for me.

Webster’s dictionary defines receiving as taking into one’s possession, having something bestowed or conferred, to be burdened with, to accept from another, to meet with or experience and to greet or welcome. Reading that definition, I noticed that I have a tendency to view receiving as a burden.

You can receive all kinds of wonderful things. You can receive support, gifts, touch, news, help, people, money, titles, compliments, love, prayers and degrees. But just because these things are offered, does that mean that they’re received? I don’t think so. I think a person has to be open to receiving. If they’re viewing receiving as something bad, like my viewing it as a burden for example, they’re much less likely to do their part and actually accept whatever is being offered. Or at least they probably won’t accept it eagerly and graciously. I’m reminded of a quote from the book Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, “Before you are able to receive … you have to be open to it; a bottle with its cap screwed on tightly cannot be filled with water no matter how much water we try to pour into it or how often we try – the water simply runs down the sides, never filling it.”

I think it’s easy to be like that bottle with the lid screwed on. It can be very scary to receive. It’s not uncommon to wonder what you might be obligated or expected to do in return, or if you can ever somehow repay the giver. For me this is a learned response. I don’t have any memory of it being difficult to receive when I was a kid.

In truth, it’s an honor to receive. Giving is one way that people show that they care, that they love you or that you are important to them. Giving and graciously accepting or receiving what is given connects us to one another. It’s a way to spread love. If you screw your cap on tightly and don’t receive what is given, you cut yourself off from living a richer, more fulfilling life.

So really, receiving, like everything else in life, is what you make it. Do you view receiving as something negative and worry about your proper response? Or do you view receiving as something positive and feel grateful for the love and connection that are being shared? Are you looking for what’s wrong or for what’s right? And does your response change based on what’s being offered? Is it hard or easy to receive a compliment, money, support, touch or a favor?

Call to Action: Pay attention to how you view receiving. What might be available to you if you focused on the positives associated with the receiving instead of on the negatives, if you gave yourself permission to simply accept, feel grateful and move on with no strings, ‘shoulds’ or obligations attached? What thoughts and feelings go through your mind and body when you give or receive something? Do you make one ‘better’ than the other, giving versus receiving? Is one ‘right’ and one ‘wrong’ in your mind? How do you block receiving or screw your cap on tightly?

Remember: Everything is whatever we make it. Neither giving nor receiving is inherently bad. If you’ve been struggling with one or the other, you can choose to change your thinking around it.

Who or What Are You Blaming for How You Feel?

2008-07-27T23:45:00.001-04:00

I have this recurring theme in my life where I blame other people for the problems in my life, for who I am, for the decisions I make, etc. It’s never true though. I always control myself. Nobody else ever controls me. It’s a nice way for me to play the victim when I act like it’s not me; it’s not my fault; he, she, they made me feel this way or think, say or do it; etc. The truth always is, always was, and always will be, though that each of us can only control one thing ~ ourselves. We each control our own thoughts, words and actions. Period. Nobody else controls us. We control ourselves. And often equally mind boggling and painful ~ we don’t control anybody else.

It’s true, what other people think, say and do can influence our thoughts, words and actions. But, we always control ourselves. This tendency to blame others is so insidious! Lots of times, I have no clue that that belief (it’s somebody else’s fault) is what’s behind my pain, hurt or suffering. This tendency to play the victim goes hand in hand with not accepting what is or the way things are.

The way it works is that I believe what somebody else thought, said or did caused me to think, say or do something. I believe that whatever it is I thought, said or did was wrong. I feel unhappy about what transpired. In short, I don’t accept or am not at peace with what has happened or is happening. I’m making something or somebody wrong and nine times out of ten it isn’t me.

Let me give you an example. My dad left and my parents divorced when I was in elementary school. I then went into ‘I have to fix it’ mode and tried to care for everyone in my immediate family and make everything okay. As a result, I deprived myself of much of my childhood by trying to take care of my mom, my brothers and our house and yard. I’ve believed for years that I did that (went into ‘I have to fix it’ mode) because my dad left (read, ‘It’s his fault!'). I’ve also believed that it was wrong for me to have had less of a childhood. So, I’ve felt miserable not only about my dad leaving but also about my childhood.

The truth is that I honestly don’t know if I would have deprived myself of a carefree childhood if my dad hadn’t left. There’s absolutely no way for me to know with certainty what might have transpired if that had all played out differently. Even thinking that I could be wrong about this long held belief feels very threatening to me. It threatens my core story ~ my dad shouldn’t have left ~ and takes away my major opportunity for victimhood. I feel very comfortable being a victim. I learned to feel like a victim in childhood, have practiced it all my life and now it feels like a well worn pair of jeans. Like a really comfy pair of old holey jeans, I really am not at all sure that I want to get rid of my victimhood.

I mean, who am I without this story? MY STORY? It’s like I have to rewrite history ~ rewrite who I am. And so many subplots are drastically altered by my letting go of this comfortable and comforting story. (You might very well ask how it could possibly feel comforting to me to be miserable all my life and to blame my dad for that misery and the answer is, “That means I’m right!” At this point, it’s much more important for me to be right about this than it is for me to step out of my victimhood. Or is it? If it weren’t time for me to step out of acting like a victim, I don’t believe I’d be having the realizations and understandings around this that I’m currently having. You know, it’s sort of that ‘When the student is ready, the teacher appears,’ or in this case, ‘When the individual is ready, the realization dawns,’ scenario.)

Again, the truth is that I don’t control anybody else. All I control is my own thoughts, words and actions. In other words, I only control my own reactions to what is happening in my life. So, if I’m miserable about something IT’S MY REACTION THAT IS MAKING ME MISERABLE. My reaction consists of my thoughts, words and actions around whatever is transpiring or has transpired. If I feel angry about whatever is going on, you can be sure that I’m thinking angry thoughts, using angry words and/or taking angry actions. None of this is to say that I’m wrong or unjustified in feeling angry. On the contrary, this is all to say that I’m the one controlling how I feel. Not some other person. Not the situation. I CONTROL MYSELF.

While this is hard to swallow, it’s also very empowering. If I can come to accept this truth, I take my power back. Okay, so if it’s my doing that I feel angry, hurt and victimized by my dad’s leaving all those years ago and if it’s my doing that I went into ‘I have to fix it’ mode, then it’s my doing that I didn't enjoy some of my childhood.

Can I still choose to feel angry, hurt and victimized by what I did and now take responsibility for? Absolutely! Do I choose to? No, I no longer choose to feel angry, hurt and victimized by what transpired. It no longer serves me. By this I mean that it keeps me trapped in a place of sad feelings. I now knowingly choose to shift out of that place. I now choose to accept that I control myself, I always have controlled myself and I always will control myself. To believe anything else or to act like what I feel is somebody else’s fault is a lie. Plain and simple.

What this means is that if I’m in a mood that I no longer wish to stay in, I can choose to change my thoughts, words and actions in order to shift out of that place. It always comes down to first of all recognizing that I don’t like where I am emotionally, secondly owning that I’m the one that put me there, thirdly being willing to start thinking, speaking and acting differently and fourthly actually doing so ~ consistently thinking, speaking and acting differently. This is not necessarily easy. If it were, everybody would be doing it.

But, there are many tools to help you shift into higher mood states like joy and peace. Once you learn them and practice them, it becomes easier in time to shift when you want to. If you’re interested in learning a technique to help you think, speak and act differently, attend my Peace Workshop on August 23rd. E-mail me at Jill@AltmanLifeCoaching.com to learn more or to sign up for the workshop.

More Smiles ~ June 2008

2008-06-30T16:08:00.002-04:00

Can It Really Be This Easy?

So often there’s something in my life that I don’t like and that I wish would change. How I spend the bulk of my free time is one such thing. A simple truth that I tend to forget though is that the person who wants the change has to be the person to make the change. Couple this with the certainty that, ‘If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten,’ and you have the recipe to change your life forever and for the better.

I can sit around until the day I die waiting for how I spend my free time to just magically change form (which it’s very unlikely to do if all I’m doing is wishing for it to change) or I can determine what I want my free time to look like and then start taking steps in that direction right now. As long as I’m consistent in taking steps toward that vision, I’ll eventually turn it into my reality, even if my steps are baby ones.

Unfortunately, my tendency is to believe that I’m not the one that decides how I spend my time, free or otherwise. This belief is a lie though. It’s a great way to act like a victim, but the truth is, I always get to do exactly what I want to do. If I don’t take the time to figure out what it is I want to do, it’s nobody else’s fault.

So, the truth is that I always get to do exactly what I want to do. How empowering! In each moment, I get to weigh my options and determine my best course of action given what’s important to me and what my vision for my life is. This goes so far as to include what I think and believe. I always get to think and believe whatever I want to think and believe. I have choice ~ in everything. If I don’t like where I am or where my past thoughts, words and actions have landed me, all I have to do is change them.

At this point, you might be asking yourself if it can really be this easy. The answer is ‘yes’. I think many of us are so unconscious of acting like we’re a victim in this way and that in all honesty we chart the course for our lives, that it seems impossible that to change we simply need to make different decisions, think different thoughts, say different things and take different actions.

Call to Action: What’s one thing in your life that you’d really like to see change? How long have you been waiting for it to ‘magically’ alter itself? Are you willing to take responsibility for the fact that you created this in your life and that you can change it by taking actions that you’re not accustomed to taking regularly? What’s one small positive thing that you can do differently starting today or this week to create a shift in some area of your life that’s less than ideal? Are you prepared to commit to taking that action and then to actually take it?

Remember: Regardless of how impossible it seems that you really do have choice about everything in your life, you do. Consequently, you did create the situations you’re experiencing that are less than ideal. The only question then is, “Are you ready to own the situation and actively do something to change it?”

What Are You Looking At?

2008-06-19T22:07:00.000-04:00

I was talking with my hair stylist today and she basically said that everybody was driving her nuts. (It didn’t help that she has recently quit smoking. : ) But for example, her kids are making messes everywhere and it’s driving her bananas! So, I asked her where she has messes in her life. She looked at me sort of quizzically until I told her that whatever she can see in somebody else is also a part of her.

“Huh?” she said.

Look, if you can see messes in somebody else’s life and those messes really have you emotionally stirred up (meaning that you’re not simply informed by them but you’re passionate about them) you’ve got it going on in your own life too. So I asked her if she’s got clutter someplace, is carrying around grudges and resentments from her childhood or has some communication that needs to be cleaned up (something she needs to say to somebody but she hasn’t said it), because those are all examples of messes somebody could have in their life. Suddenly I could see the understanding dawn in her.

What can be even harder to accept though is that if you see something beautiful in somebody else, like generosity for instance, and you’re really charged or emotional about it, you’ve got that in your own life. Say what? If you just are in such awe of somebody because of some fabulous quality they have, you’ve got it too. You can’t see it or recognize it in somebody else if it’s not already in you. (Okay, the truth is we all actually have every quality both ‘good’ and ‘bad’. That’s too much for me to go into right here, so read Debbie Ford’s book, The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, for an in-depth explanation of it.) Back to my point. I think the author and poet Maya Angelou is one of the most brilliant women ever. I’m very emotional about it. I mean I just love her. Well, I know it’s even harder to believe it or ‘own it’ about good stuff than it is about bad stuff, but I couldn’t see brilliance in her if I didn’t have some going on someplace in my life. It’s true. I’m brilliant. ; )

So here’s the thing, whenever something really has you wound up and you’re really angry about it for example, stop. Take your focus off of whoever or whatever situation has you riled. Look around your own life and see where you have that same type of thing going on. You’ll eventually find it if you’re really open to seeing how you’ve been operating and committed to starting to change the way you think, speak and act.

Keeping your focus outside of yourself and on what somebody else should or shouldn’t be doing or on how some situation should be different in order to make your life better, just keeps you stuck and playing a victim. If you’re tired of continuing to create in your life what you’ve always created, bring your focus onto how that quality or situation that has you riled exists in you. Then start doing something differently from how you’ve been doing it. I promise you you’ll start to feel less emotionally charged by whatever had been going on.

Does this mean you’ll now tolerate the kids making messes everywhere and never cleaning up after themselves? No, it means that now you’ll be informed by their messes instead of ready to scream and yell and throw things in order to get them to clean up the messes. Now you’ll be able to be curious and more rational about their messes and calmly let them know the expected behavior without shaming them and making them wrong. You can approach the situation from peace and love instead of from judgment and anger.

Call to action: Try it. The next time you hear yourself going on and on to your spouse, partner or friend about some situation where somebody else is all wrong, stop. Turn your attention to yourself. Ask yourself where you do that same thing in your own life, where you have done it or how or where you could be driven to do it. Notice how recognizing that your upset is really about how you’re like that in your own life starts to release the pressure around the situation. It’s really not about that external situation or other person so much as it’s about you. That’s a HUGE insight in and of itself.

Remember: If some person or situation has you emotionally charged, it’s really mostly about you. Are you willing to ‘bust’ yourself and take the time to see how and where you are that way? It’s guaranteed to bring you more peace. Try it and then share your experience on this blog.

Where Do You Ask And Then Fail To Act?

2008-06-18T12:22:00.000-04:00

For years now there has been quite a buzz about the book The Secret. I love both the book and the movie. They have lots of valuable information in them. You do get what you focus on. Our thoughts do produce our reality. I believe that and I’ve seen it happen time and again in my own life. It’s the notion of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Think about driving that new BMW, feel the emotions of actually being out there doing it, and see yourself joyously cruising along behind the wheel and there’s a good chance that you’ll end up having a new BMW in your life at some point.

My ‘gripe’, if you will, about The Secret is twofold: 1. Visualization like that described above is only part of the equation. 2. The Secret emphasizes things or material stuff.

My experience has been that visualization without action is simply daydreaming or fantasizing. To move something out of the ‘dream’ category, I need to be taking action to bring it about. It’s as if The Secret encourages me to be irresponsible and a victim. “Well, I really want a new BMW, but the Universe hasn’t seen fit to give it to me. So, I’ll keep visualizing.” It feels disempowering and incomplete. I believe that it’s missing the part where I take action.

At some point, we have to do more than just ask for something or declare our intentions. We have to act. A friend asked me recently, “If 10 birds are sitting on a wire and 9 decide to fly off, how many birds are left on the wire?” The answer is 10. Nine birds simply decided to fly off. They never actually did so. So, The Secret feels like the deciding part to me. It’s a great first step.

My second concern with The Secret is that it’s focused on material things. Don’t get me wrong, I love nice stuff. Ask anybody who knows me. I live well and I enjoy it. Quite honestly though, I believe that misses the entire point of our existence. In my world view, we are love. We are here solely to express and share the love that we are.

When I’m focused on stuff I’m not generally paying attention to spreading or sharing love. I can be. I mean if somebody is without food, clothing or shelter and I help provide that for them, that’s both loving and focused on things. But if I were to say we have a ‘problem’ in the United States it’s that we’re so caught up in stuff. Certainly things are one measure of success or abundance. But for most of my life, I allowed my focus on things to distract me from my real purpose ~ loving and sharing my love with myself and others. It’s much easier to focus outside myself and on things. Ultimately though, that doesn’t bring me lasting happiness. When I focus instead on being honest with myself and others, taking actions that are self-loving (like taking time for reflection or eating well), and being grateful and responsible, then I grow and learn, and feel happier and more fulfilled.

What I’m saying then, is that in my view The Secret is a great jumping off point. It can inspire somebody to feel passionate about changing their life or helping others lead better lives. Inspiration and passion are fabulous motivators. They’re a big part of the puzzle, but without being coupled with action, it’s like owning a sports car but having no fuel. It’s nice to look at, but you don’t get anywhere very fast. Plus, if I don’t much like myself and am spending the bulk of my time doing things I don’t enjoy, a sports car, with or without fuel, isn’t going to bring me lasting happiness or fulfillment. In my estimation, looking within, at my own thoughts and beliefs, is more important. That’s how I can come to love myself more and more, which then enables me to share that love with others.

Call to action: Where are you simply wishing for something and then sitting back and waiting for it to magically happen? Are you willing to take some small action towards bringing it into your life today or this week? For example, do you desire a closer relationship with a family member, but you’re not making any effort to see them or connect with them in a meaningful way?

Remember: It is always true that the person who wants the change has to be the person to make the change. If there’s something that you want to be different in your life, it’s up to you to create it through your thoughts, words and actions. They all need to be in alignment with one another. If any one of the three, your thoughts, words or actions, is pointing in some other direction, your ability to manifest what you desire will be severely hampered.

"Will the real me please stand up?"

2008-06-05T11:16:00.000-04:00

The other morning I was so struck by how beautifully connected we all are. It’s as if there are countless fine silver threads connecting our every thought one to the other, both within one person and between people. With many of our thoughts, words and actions we have no idea what their repercussions are. When we get a chance to glimpse the effects they have on people and how those feelings of love, peace and acceptance are passed along it is truly inspiring.

We really do never know the far reaching effects of everything we think, say and do. So often I find myself holding back, not sharing who I really am, or what I really think because of my fear of what somebody else might think of me. You know what? Who am I not to share who I really am or what I really think? How many people will continue to believe that they can’t speak up because ‘they’re the only ones like this’? Or that they can’t engage in some nurturing activity because it would be wrong? By my sharing authentically myself, by being myself, I give others permission to do the same, to be themselves. I show them that it’s not only SAFE, but also rewarding. Sharing who I really am and what I really think ‘pays off’ in big ways. That is how I connect with somebody else. That is how we learn that we think differently or disagree on an issue, but that that’s okay.

The intention in being myself and saying what I really feel isn’t to get somebody else to be my clone so that they think, speak and act as I do. The intention in being myself is being known as myself. The intention is also that I come to know myself as I really am. We all cover up who we really are out of fear that we won’t be liked. The truth is, when we do that WHO is it that the other person is coming to like? It certainly isn’t us! We’ve covered us up so completely that even we have trouble finding our true or authentic selves.

Back to my original point. When we don’t bother to learn who we really are and then aren’t courageous enough to share that person with the world, we’re robbing the world of our gifts. So often the things we’re trying so hard to hide are exactly the things that people most love about us, and the way that they most connect with us, because those things make us unique and show that we’re human, or approachable, too.

When I can tell somebody is being fake or just telling me what I want to hear, my guard goes up instantly. I suddenly feel like I’m dealing with a phone solicitor or door to door salesman. My internal gate closes, the lights turn off and no connection occurs. I wonder what they want from me, and on some level, I don’t trust them.

On the other hand, when somebody shares what they really think and who they really are, whether I agree or not, at least I’m getting to know them. A connection forms. We begin to understand one another whether or not we believe identical things or have similar likes. Our oneness is recognized.

So, in an effort to feel safe, I have found that I frequently haven’t shared who I really am or what I really think. It no longer serves me. It doesn’t move me forward or help me to become the supportive, accepting and compassionate person that I am. I therefore am consciously choosing to watch for that guarded behavior within myself and to be open and authentic instead. It can be difficult. I’ve hidden myself since I was a child. This ‘coming out’ is new to me and as such, I’ll stumble. That’s okay though. What matters is my intention. I intend to be myself, and to pay attention to when I’m not being myself and to what excuse I’m using for not doing so. Not only does this behavior keep others from knowing the real me, it keeps me from knowing the real me.

Call to action: What beautiful part of yourself have you been hiding? Do you love to draw but think you’re ‘not good enough’? Is playing something that delights you but you ‘simply don’t have the time’ and besides ‘what would people think’? Do you thrive when creating things with your hands but deny yourself that pleasure? Will you commit to allowing yourself to engage in the beautiful self-loving activity that you yearn to do this week, and then actually take that action?

Remember: It takes courage to be yourself, especially when you think that somebody else may judge you as not good enough, bad or wrong for it. Your true, loving, compassionate self deserves to be shared and heard. Are you courageous enough to share it?

More Smiles ~ May 2008

2008-05-31T10:34:00.001-04:00

Do You Sabotage Your Own Happiness by Trying to Please Others?

We’re taught from the time we’re young to do what it takes to please others, especially authority figures in our lives like parents, teachers and society. Don Miguel Ruiz in his book, The Four Agreements, calls it our domestication. Just like animals, we are punished when we fail to do as we’re asked or told and rewarded when we do as we’re asked or told.

As a child in particular, this conditioning serves to keep us safe as well as to teach us society’s rules. “Stay with Mommy,” or “Take Daddy’s hand as we cross the street,” potentially prevent us from getting lost or becoming injured. So, not only does adhering to the desired behavior please those around us, it also keeps us safe. Clearly then, this is a good thing.

It can become problematic though if we begin to believe that our actions are responsible for Mommy or Daddy’s happiness. When we think we control or contribute to somebody else’s well being or peace of mind we may start consciously or unconsciously trying to manage their emotions through our actions. Before we recognize what’s happened, we may be moving through our days and our lives in a constant state of low grade anxiety as we perpetually seek to do or say whatever will make those whose opinions we value happy.

At that point, what had been a self-loving action of staying safe while crossing the street as a child becomes a self-sabotaging action of people-pleasing. When we’re people-pleasing, our own needs are frequently never considered. Or even more sadly, they’re considered and then dismissed as unimportant. We believe we don’t matter. It’s irrelevant what we need to do in order to stay within our own integrity or to be authentic. The only thing that matters is the ‘greater good’.

I’m not saying that we should be narcissistic and do whatever we want, whenever we want at the expense of all others. On the contrary, I’m suggesting that “to thine own self be true”. Your truth could involve selfless hours of hard work for the benefit of your family, a friend or a charitable organization.

The difference between having something that you do that pleases somebody else be self-loving or people-pleasing (self-sabotaging) is, I believe, the motivation or intention behind your action. Are you motivated to have the whole family over to your house for the holiday meal because it invigorates you and you find it fulfilling or rewarding? Or are you having them all over because you believe you should or you must? It’s what somebody somewhere would want or tell you to do…

Contrary to what many of us, especially women, have been taught, being honest about our desires isn’t selfish behavior. This is authentic behavior. If you think, feel or mean ‘no’, you don’t say ‘yes’. Who would you rather interact with ~ the person who smiles and says they’d be glad to water your plants for you while you’re on vacation and then tells all your neighbors what a chore you are (because they really didn’t want to care for your plants), or the person who honestly replies, “I won’t be able to do that for you. Have you tried John’s son across the street? I know he’s been doing things like that to earn some spending money this summer.”

Call to Action: The next time you get ready to do something and recognize a feeling of resentment, disappointment or anger accompanying it, ask yourself what’s motivating you to take that action. Who are you trying to please? Have you asked yourself what you really want and what would be a really loving thing for you to do for yourself?

Remember: No matter how many aspirin you take, you can’t make somebody else’s headache go away. None of us can make somebody else happy. We can only make ourselves happy. One way you can make yourself happy is by showing yourself that you matter to yourself. Each time you ask yourself what you want and need in order to be self-loving and then follow through with that action you’re declaring to yourself that you are important too and do matter. As Debbie Ford says in her book, The Right Questions, “How we feel about ourselves now is a result of all the choices we have made in the past. So if you don’t like the way you feel about yourself, you have the power to change it.” Start today.

Do You Also Fail to Trust in This Way?

2008-05-16T11:15:00.000-04:00

Something that’s been coming up for me in my journaling, thoughts, and conversations a lot this past week or so is not knowing ‘why’. Knowing that I need to take some action in order to stay within my integrity, and not knowing ‘why’ makes me bananas! I feel like I always have to have all the answers. Then, when I don’t know ‘why’, I hesitate to take the action even if it’s my soul’s desire or what my heart craves. Instead, I sit on the fence, hemming and hawing. And let me tell you, my fence sitting is never comfortable because they’re always picket fences!

Eventually, I give in and do what my soul directs me to do in order to stay within my integrity, even though I don’t know ‘why’. I’ve recognized that my next hurdle is frequently “Okay, how?” followed by more fence sitting on those damn pickets!

What I’m coming to understand though is that neither the why nor the how matter in the least. Sure, they’d be fun to know, but they truly are irrelevant. What matters, and I’d maintain it’s the only thing that matters, is being willing to take whatever action has come up. Period. I get to turn it into some big production by deliberating and stressing over the why and the how for days or weeks or years, but ultimately, both how and why are unimportant.

I believe that someone in the movie, The Moses Code, said something to the effect of 'the only thing that matters is your willingness to go there, to take the action. The reason for this is that you aren’t called to do something because you’re ready and already fully equipped to do it. You’re called to do something because you’re willing to do it and will grow into it. You’ll learn the skills you need to achieve whatever scares you the most, whatever you’re called to do, in each moment as you say ‘yes’ to the task at hand.'

This is so exactly what I experienced when I decided that it was time to hike the Appalachian Trail. I had known for years that it was something that my heart desired. In fact, it just felt like something I was supposed to do. I perched precariously on that fence for the longest time though. Why was I supposed to do it, and how could I possibly make it happen since it would require that I quit my job, leave my family and live alone in the woods for over six months? Ultimately, none of those questions really mattered. The only purpose the questioning served in this instance was to keep me stuck and not taking action.

The instant that my partner and I agreed that we could make it happen (Read, “The moment I said I was willing to go there,”), things just started falling into place. I called the only person I knew who had completed a hike of the Appalachian Trail, Jean Deeds, author of There Are Mountains to Climb, and she not only returned my call but connected me with another local woman who had completed the trail numerous times, Carol Barnes. With Carol’s generous help, I learned how to reduce my pack weight so that it would take less of a toll on my joints. (I’d be carrying in a pack on my back everything I needed to survive in the wilderness alone for over 2000 miles. Every ounce mattered.)

And on it went. As each question would come up, the answer would appear seemingly by magic. I now know that this was Divine Right Timing at work. I didn’t need the information before, so I didn’t have it. As each hurdle presented itself, the perfect person and or solution would arrive. Almost before I knew what had happened, the time was upon me, and I was leaving to hike from Georgia to Maine by myself.

I’m always telling my clients that recognition is the first step to change. First we have to be curious enough to recognize what we’re thinking, saying and doing. Then we can endeavor to change it if we so desire. Well, I’ve just recognized this pattern that I have of resisting taking actions unless I know the ‘why’ behind them. Now that I’m conscious of the behavior and how uncomfortable it makes me to sit on those picket fences, I can consciously choose different behaviors. It’s a lovely and empowering place to be! Not surprisingly then, I like this new awareness. I enjoy consciously choosing my behaviors instead of gliding along on auto pilot like some character out of Dawn of the Living Dead, or like a cow following the herd.

You know, ultimately I did learn both the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ of my desire to hike the Appalachian Trail, and it felt great to know. It wasn’t until about six months after I returned from successfully completing my hike that I learned the ‘why’ of it. (That’s a completely different story though and will have to wait for another time.) I learned the ‘how’ of it each step of the way as it all gloriously unfolded.

I guess the moral of all of this is that sometimes you have to be willing to go where your heart leads you even though you don’t know why or how. In short, to honor your heart you frequently have to simply trust that your soul knows what’s right for you and take that leap of faith. Instead of needing to know why or even how, I can choose to be curious about when and where I learned to cloak my fear in those questions. That’s all ‘why’ and ‘how’ really are, fear/self-sabotage/lack of trust that I’m always supported and Divinely guided, masquerading as inquisitiveness.

What it boils down to is that I don’t have the master plan. At least if I do, it’s not in my head. I’d venture to guess that I have it in my heart. So my head can ponder and I can sit there uncomfortably for as long as I want, and my head and I still won’t have the master plan. I can spin my wheels forever trying to ‘figure out’ what my master plan is, or I can trust that my driver/heart has it and go with that. That Divine Right Timing thing is at work again here. If and when I’m ready to know the ‘why’ and the ‘how’, they’ll be revealed to me. You know? ; )

Call to Action: What action has your soul been calling for you to take, and your heart been beckoning for you to listen to? Have you been hung up on, “What could I possibly gain from doing this?” (the why) or, “How could I possibly accomplish that?!” (the how)? Are you uncomfortable enough on your fence that you’re willing to make the leap of faith and jump down off of it today or this week by actually committing to taking the action that your heart craves?

Remember: One of the most effective ways that I know of to show yourself that you matter, to love yourself, is to take the actions that your heart calls to you to take. How might the world be different if we all lovingly gave ourselves the beautiful, uplifting and nurturing things that we desire?

The Only Way Out Is Through

2008-05-11T15:08:00.000-04:00

Alanis Morissette has a song entitled, Out Is Through. That line so perfectly describes the sole way we can each successfully deal with our problems or the situations in our lives that torment us. What I know from my own life is that when I have a problem I need to deal with it as soon as I can. If I don’t, it grows. No, I’m serious. It’s like it becomes some huge unmanageable thing getting bigger and bigger as the hours and days go by.

Take what happened with me and my stepmom for example. She invited me and my partner on a family vacation with the rest of my siblings. I knew that I probably wouldn’t want to attend for a variety of reasons, but I told her quite honestly that I would consider it. Since it’s something she’d really like to have happen, it’s not surprising that she heard that I’d go. Then, after I considered it and determined that indeed I didn’t want to go and shared that with her, we had some tension in our relationship. After all, she heard that I’d go. Now here I was backing out and ruining her plans.

Clearly, we needed to talk about this before hard feelings developed on either side, if they hadn’t already. That however, was a very scary proposition. All I’d have to do is say ‘yes’, capitulate on my decision, and she’d be happy after all. True, but I’d be unhappy. So, we did need to talk. Not that it would change what either of us was or wasn’t going to do, but so that we could both hear how the other felt and respect and honor those feelings.

Well, I didn’t call my stepmom right away. Then one morning last week as I walked through my neighborhood I saw a woman cutting down the suckers (tree branches that sprout up from the tree’s roots) on her crabapple trees. These suckers had been ignored and growing for many years. Suddenly, it hit me. If she had dealt with those suckers when they were sprouts, she could have broken them off by hand before they developed any bark on them. Instead she waited. Eventually, they grew and had bark on their stems and could no longer simply be broken off. At that point, they required hand clippers. Still she waited. They grew much thicker and taller with trunk diameters of over an inch and a half wide. The suckers then required loppers to cut them down. She continued to not deal with them. They’re now at the point where they’ll take a handsaw to remove them. She cut down what she could with the loppers, but tall ‘stumps’ remain. Had she waited still longer, the suckers would be trees unto themselves and require a chainsaw to remove them.

Did I want to wait and not address the ‘bump’ in my relationship with my stepmom? Not any more! What might become of our relationship if I ignored a miscommunication and allowed it to grow for years and years like the crabapple suckers? I was unwilling to find out. So I called her and we talked about it. She still loves me and would like for me to go on family vacation, and I still love her and am unwilling to go. That didn’t change. But the sucker was removed before it got out of control.

I’ve talked before about letting go of something, some problem or situation or thought that’s tormenting you. It struck me with this situation that letting go doesn’t mean not dealing with it. By all means, if you have some issue in your life, deal with it and as soon as possible. If you don’t, you’re just stuffing your feelings, like holding a beach ball under water. The ball won’t go away of its own accord. You’ll devote tons of energy to holding it down. Eventually the ball ‘wins’ and explodes out of the water when you least expect it to. So, letting go doesn’t mean not dealing with the issues in your life. Letting go means choosing not to think unproductive thoughts, like blaming, about your situation. Letting go means choosing a time and a way that you will look at the situation and then following through and doing so.

So, back to the title of this blog, The Only Way Out Is Through. You can’t go around your fears, pains and sorrows. You can’t ignore them and have them go away. You can’t go under them or over them. You can’t hold them down indefinitely. They’ll simply continue to grow like the suckers or to exist like the beach ball. The only way to successfully deal with the issues in your life is to move through them, or step into them, by honestly looking at them. You get to choose if you do that with love, compassion and joy or if you fight every step of the way.

Call to Action: Where are you holding a beach ball under water or letting the suckers grow to unmanageable proportions ~ with a friend, family member, or co-worker? What do you need to do today or this week to address the issue? Are you willing to pick a time and day by which you’ll address it and then do so?

Remember: This isn’t about making one person right and another wrong. This is about improving your communication with others and lovingly moving through things that could possibly become huge grudges and resentments at a later time if left unattended.

More Smiles ~ April 2008

2008-04-30T14:22:00.001-04:00

Being in and Accepting the Present

There’s a quote by Confucius that I love. He said, “Happiness does not consist in having what you want, but in wanting what you have.” To be happy often requires that you let go of how you think the situation should look, and accept how it does look.

That’s not to say that you have to remain in a situation that you find unpleasant, like feeling unfulfilled at work, for example. You can choose to look for whatever happiness you can find each day at work while you simultaneously create your vision for what you want your career to look like, come up with a goal to help you manifest or bring into reality what you have envisioned and take actions that assist you in achieving your vision. So, yes, by all means set and achieve goals, but don’t neglect the fact that there’s another critical piece to the puzzle: the only way to lasting happiness is to be present in each moment and notice the happiness that already exists there.

The reason that presence is necessary for lasting happiness is that happiness only exists in this moment. You can’t feel happiness yesterday or tomorrow. You can only feel your emotions right now. You can feel happy while you think about a past or future event, but you’re still experiencing that feeling in this moment. So, while visioning, taking action steps and achieving your goals all help you to experience happiness in those moments, the joy is always fleeting. That’s the way of happiness, just like with any other emotion. Emotions are short-lived at best and always exist only in this moment.

Our goal then, as individuals who want to lead happier lives, is to accept things the way they are and to be present in each moment. If instead of being present with whatever you are experiencing in the moment, say working outside in your yard, you are thinking about what you’re going to make for dinner, worrying about a project you have yet to complete for work, or beating yourself up for how stupid you must have looked to that person your friend introduced you to today, you miss the opportunity to be happy while working in your yard on a beautiful spring day. Every moment and every experience has the possibility of happiness inherent within it, but you’ll certainly fail to recognize and feel that happiness if you’re not present within that moment or experience.

This brings me back around to the notion that it’s not where you are (your external circumstances) that brings about happiness, it’s what you think. Your thoughts tell you whether or not you’re accepting what life is handing you in that moment and whether or not you’re even focused on the current moment. You can change your location or external circumstances, but if you fail to change your thinking, you’ll continue to be unhappy even in that new situation. Think about it. It has happened to each of us over and over again throughout our lives. “Oh, when I graduate from college, then I’ll be happy. No more studying and exams all the time.” Or, “As soon as I finish this project, my boss will get off my back and I can relax and feel good again.” Or, “I can hardly wait for vacation! That’s just what I need to know that life really is good.”

Each of these events makes us happy during the event or for a short time afterward, but if we don’t also change the way we think, we slip right back into looking for our next ‘happiness fix’ or goal to achieve. In the process, we constantly delay happiness. We rarely feel it in this moment because we’re always thinking about some future event (we’re not present) and looking to that future event to bring us joy. It’s like we’re dogs on a track endlessly chasing a mechanical rabbit that’s always just outside our reach.

That’s why I spend a lot of time working with clients to get them to look at and pay attention to their thoughts. As long as your thoughts stay the same, you remain on the dog track. New rabbits may be brought in and different dogs may join you. You may even move to a different track, but you’re still endlessly seeking in the future that which only exists now, in the present.

You know, it’s like that saying, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.” If you keep thinking, saying and doing the same things, you’ll keep getting the same results. The only thing you control in this world is your thoughts, words and actions. If you’re discontent and you don’t change how you think, speak and act in the world, you’ll continue to experience the same level of happiness and fulfillment in your life.

It’s great to know all of this, but if you’re like me, you want to know what you can do about it. How can you change your thoughts, words and actions? What can you do to become present in the current moment? How can you accept the less than perfect circumstances you find yourself in? This is how you’ve been all your life. You don’t know any other way to be.

Call to Action: One very effective way to be in and accept the present is to regularly practice The Work, developed by Byron Katie. If you’re unfamiliar with this process, you can learn to apply it to your life in my live, hour long teleclass (class conducted over the phone) held the third Wednesday of each month from noon to 1pm Eastern time.

Remember: You deserve to feel happy and fulfilled. We all do.

What's Your Gift?

2008-04-25T08:02:00.001-04:00

At birth, each of us is gifted with the most incredibly beautiful ability and responsibility to go forth and create whatever we most desire in and of our lives and the world.

Some of us forget this along the way and never consciously choose who we want to be and how we want to show up in the world or what we want our world to look like.

Some of us glimpse what's possible and live from that understanding ever after, because once you remember what you've been gifted with you can't go back nor would you want to.

Each of us is unique in all the world. We each have gifts that only we bring to the table. If we choose to ignore those gifts or to never recognize what they are, we not only withhold them from ourselves but from all of humanity.

I encourage you to actively seek and share your gifts. Let nothing stand in your way.

Celebrate your gifts as well as everyone else's. Build on them. Allow yourself to be ever expanding, growing and glowing.

And open to receive everyone else's gifts as well. You deserve it. You deserve all the good life has to offer. Not because you've done, said, or thought something, or not because you look just right but because you were born.

It is your birthright ~ all the good in the world ~ simply because you exist.

Remember that. Dwell in that. Live that.

(I'm not talking entitlement here. This is an exchange of love, of energy, not of things. I'm talking love. Lovingly share all your gifts and lovingly open to and receive everyone else's.)

Share your love with everyone and everything else in the world and receive their love. This is your purpose in life. This is the purpose of each of us. There is no other. Give and receive love. The only question is how can you best share your love? What are your gifts?
Holding (a space or an intention)
Listening
Touching
Seeing
Expressing
Allowing
Accepting
Encouraging
...What do you do best?

Allow it to bubble out of you without effort as if you were a spring, and then open to and receive the bubbles of love from others.

Ultimately this is what it boils down to: you matter. Each of us does. We are each important.

It's impossible for somebody else to show us that we matter or to try to 'prove' it to us. We must each discover it for ourselves. With the discovery comes the desire, the necessity, to share that knowledge with everyone else by living our light side, our empowered side, the richness and fullness of all of who we are, our totality. With the discovery that we are important comes the desire to lovingly share our gifts.

Do You Struggle to Achieve Your Goals?

2008-04-15T14:17:00.000-04:00

One of the main things I do in my business is coach people through a 16 week process of self-discovery and goal setting. While I am constantly employing a coach (being coached myself), I am also usually simultaneously coaching myself through this 16 week process. One of the topics of the 16 week process is self-love. While reflecting about self-loving actions that I take or have taken, it recently occurred to me that I’ve begun a new way of being in my business. It is a carry over from how I’ve been showing up in my life and it is transforming my company.

What is this new way of being? It’s being self-loving at and pertaining to work. Self-love can and does take many forms. Forgiving yourself when you’ve made a mistake and compassionately helping yourself get back up, dust off, and try again is one example. The type of self-love that has really rocked my work world though is this: stretching instead of striving.

Let me explain. I used to do something that wasn’t very self-loving at all. I’d come up with a goal and then plan and scheme how I’d ‘get’ there. Then I’d do all kinds of uncomfortable things that I knew somebody somewhere expected me to do in order to reach my goal. It not only felt awful, it wasn’t very effective.

My new way of being is to come up with a goal, determine baby steps that will head me in that direction and then when I’m ready take the least scary of those steps to move me toward my goal, every day.

On the surface, it may not seem like much of a change, but in reality it’s HUGE. The baby steps allow me to be ready to do things much more quickly than I might otherwise be and to successfully navigate toward my goal. For many months I’ve wanted to reach out to hospice, bereavement programs, singles groups and anybody else that might benefit from my work. Last year, I generated a list of who I should contact, the steps I should take once I had contacted them, a detailed description of exactly what I was offering etc. Then, I contacted a couple groups, made little to no headway, felt discouraged and quickly gave up.

Contrast this with what I’m now doing. I still have the same goal to reach out to hospice, bereavement programs, singles groups and anybody else that might benefit from my work. Now, I keep my ears open for people who work for those organizations or for friends and associates who have contacts within those organizations. I tell people that’s what I’m looking for. Then, when just such a contact falls into my lap, I ask them what they’re about, tell them what I’m about, and we see if we might be able to assist one another in helping adults who have lost a loved one.

Since starting this self-loving approach less than 8 weeks ago, I’ve met at least 4 different people who pop to mind instantly and are working with the same group of people with whom I specialize. We have a common goal and are eager to help one another assist the people in our target markets. Not only is this easier, it’s more effective and I haven’t gotten discouraged and given up. My action steps are so much more within my comfort zone and therefore infinitely more do-able. There is ease and flow where there had previously been difficulty and struggle.

Because the self-loving way not only feels better but also produces better results, my next question is how do I know when I’m being one way versus the other way? It came down to those two words for me, stretching as opposed to striving. My old way of being involved striving. Striving looks like me trying to push a huge out of round boulder up a steep debris strewn mountainside alone. It feels helpless, hopeless, futile, scheming, relentless, hard, fearful, separate and lonely. Striving has a big agenda attached to it. (See my very first blog at the bottom of this page for more information on agendas.)

Stretching looks like me taking one baby step at a time outside my comfort zone (in this case that frequently translates into my leaving the house to meet people). There are no mountains to climb or boulders to fight. Stretching feels do-able, soft, trusting, effortless, safe, allowing, receiving and partnered. It has an intention associated with it and so it is open to how the goal will be attained. (See my very first blog at the bottom of this page for more information on intentions.)

Both stretching and striving involve a long-term goal. They each require lots of hard work. And, they can both be scary.

I think that maybe one of the most beautiful things about stretching is the trust that it embodies. When I trust that I already know everything that I need to know and that the exact people I need for my intentions to be realized are already in my life, it’s as if I’m declaring to the Universe, “I’m ready, and I’m willing! Bring it on, because my door is now open to receive!” Then, striving just seems to fall away and stretching slips in to take its place.

Call to Action: Sign up for my free monthly e-mail newsletter, More Smiles, by clicking the link to my website at the top right of this page. You can also sign up for the RSS feed of this blog by clicking the icon at the top right of this page.

Then, ask yourself, "When and where am I prone to strive instead of stretch?" What thoughts go through your head when you’re pushing yourself that way? “It won’t happen if I don’t make it happen?” “It probably doesn’t even matter that I’m doing this, I’m not going to reach my goal anyway. I never do.” What new thoughts could you replace those with in order to trust that it not only can happen, but will happen if you’ll just let go of how you think it must play out, and open yourself to receive?

Remember: You deserve all the good life has to offer. It’s your birthright. There’s nothing for you to be or do differently except change your thoughts and beliefs. That in turn will change your words and subsequently your actions. Then you’ll be saying, “Bring it on, Universe! And thank you!”

More Smiles ~ March 2008

2008-03-31T12:10:00.001-04:00

Giving Yourself Permission

When I was a kid, one of my favorite games was playing ‘Mother, may I?’. If you’re not familiar with it, the way it works is that one person is ‘Mother’. Everybody else lines up a good distance away from ‘Mother’ who has ‘her’ back to the rest of the players. ‘Mother’ tells each player in turn to take a certain number of baby steps or giant steps toward ‘her’ or away from ‘her’. Each time ‘Mother’ tells a player what to do, they then have to ask, “Mother, may I?” ‘Mother’ randomly grants them permission to do what ‘she’ had dictated, or not. The goal is to be the first to reach ‘Mother’ and thereby win the game. Just as in so many other childhood activities, during this game my actions were dictated by someone other than myself granting me permission to do what I wanted to do.

Until reading books by the author SARK, it never dawned on me that I didn’t have to get my permission from some ‘other’ outside of myself. SARK writes a lot about giving yourself permission to do things. She has a book entitled Living Juicy, Daily Morsels for Your Creative Soul in which she explores one topic per week. Her topics include playing, inspiring, loving, daring, surprising, and listening just to name a few. At the end of each week, the book contains a permission slip for the reader to complete. It boldly proclaims across the top “Permission to play!”, for example, and then there’s space for you to fill in any pertinent details.

I love this concept of giving myself permission. Clearly, I’m a rule follower from way back. Lots of the rules I now follow were created when I was younger and I’ve continued to add to my list of rules as I’ve aged. By now, my list is pretty long and many of the rules on my list keep me from leading a happier life. For instance, I had a rule that I needed to get permission from some ‘other’ to do what or be who I choose. To counteract this, I’ve begun writing permission slips for myself.

My permission slips look a lot like what I might have received from one of my high school teachers. They’re on pink slips of paper, and have room for the date, the receiver’s name, the behavior that is being allowed, and the signature of the person granting the permission. The biggest differences are that they’re both from me and to me, and that I grant myself permission to think, feel, do and be all kinds of wonderful things.

When was the last time you gave yourself permission to feel, to focus on yourself for the day, to share what scares you with someone you trust, to laugh and play because you could, to quit taking things personally, to take one scary step toward a goal that you have, to cry, to not worry about what others think, to be yourself, to create, to dream, to treat yourself the way you would an innocent child, to go into a room alone and rant and rave, to acknowledge yourself, or to be daring? What might be available to you if you started giving yourself permission to think, feel, do and be whatever you most wanted? How might the world be a different place if we each gave ourselves permission to be the greatest version of the grandest vision we ever held of ourselves?

Call to action: Take a step back and look at your life. Where have you been waiting for permission from some ‘other’? Are you willing to give that permission to yourself now? Create a permission slip for yourself authoritatively declaring what you are now allowed and post it some place where you’ll see it every day. I’d love to hear where you’ve been holding back and the permission you now give to yourself. E-mail me at Jill@AltmanLifeCoaching.com if you have questions or comments, or if you’d like to share about permission in your life.

Remember: We each have the right to forgive, to love, to let go of grudges and resentments, to heal, and to accept what is. What more do you grant yourself?

More Smiles ~ February 2008

2008-02-29T15:57:00.001-05:00

Creating Greater Joy Today

As I pointed out in the January issue of More Smiles, most of us spend our lives making ourselves wrong for how we feel. Feelings are never wrong. It’s not about making pleasure ‘right’ and pain ‘wrong’. Rather it’s about achieving some sort of balance between our experiences of the two. I believe that when we dwell on exclusively one or the other, we’re unhealthy. We are first and foremost spiritual beings having a human experience. That human experience by definition involves the full gamut of emotions, as opposed to nearly constant pleasure (like joy and gratitude) or pain (like fear and anger).

Consequently, both pleasure and pain exist to some degree in everyone’s life. Many adults I know and have worked with tend to focus more on the pain/what’s wrong in their life, than on the pleasure/what’s right in their life. This makes perfect sense. It’s what we were taught to do from the time we were children. The issue is that we create what we focus on. Focusing on pain begets more pain.

So, to create more pleasure in your life, start by consistently focusing on the pleasure that already exists in your life.

First, determine where you are now. Do you spend most of your time thinking and talking about your pain/what’s wrong, or your pleasure/what’s right? Notice what pain you currently focus on pretty regularly – your loss; the falling stock market; the news; war; how your _____ (boss, spouse, partner, parent, friend, colleague, acquaintance, neighbor, child) has done you wrong; or what you or someone else ‘should’ be thinking, saying, or doing.

Then ask yourself what pleasure already exists in your life that you tend to overlook. Are you blessed by a pet that loves you unconditionally? Are you physically healthy? Do you have enough money to comfortably support yourself today? (Are you fed, clothed, and protected from the elements?) Are you physically safe? Does your breath flow easily and effortlessly? Do you have people whom you trust and love in your life? Do you have a loving relationship with yourself, or with your Creator? How are you blessed?

Experiencing more joy in your life can be that simple. Start paying attention to what’s right in every day and in every situation, even the ‘bad’ ones. Good things always exist. It’s just a question of whether or not we’re open to discovering them. You can start being happier today by changing your focus. So why wait?

Call to Action: This week, ask yourself what action you can take to consciously cultivate the joy in your life and tip the scale so that you feel more balance between pleasure and pain. Would you like to start a gratitude journal and write at least 5 things in it each day? Would you benefit from talking about what’s right about the people and situations in your life instead of what’s wrong? What are you willing to commit to doing?

Remember: Greater joy is only available to you if you desire it, believe you deserve it, and are willing to consciously create it in your life. What do you desire, believe, and choose to create?

Start Being Happier by Simply Taking Your Own Advice

2008-02-04T12:46:00.000-05:00

Do you ever catch yourself telling others, or at least thinking of telling others, what they should do? Pay attention to the advice you're giving to others. It's really meant for you. Whatever you find yourself consistently urging others to do, is really what your inner wisdom is asking you to do. The question is, do you listen to yourself?

Lately I've found myself wanting to tell friends to attend this three day transformational workshop put on by Debbie Ford that I attended a few years ago. It's called the Shadow Process and it really started me on the path of awakening to myself and opening up to other ways to see myself and the world. (To learn more about the Shadow Process visit
http://www.debbieford.com/pages/the_shadow_process_workshop.html.) As I was thinking this yet again, it hit me. This was really about me advising myself to continue to pay attention to my thoughts, words, and actions, and to look for other areas where I can open to new ways of looking at life.

So, do you find yourself repeatedly telling your partner that they ought to take better care of themselves physically? How could you stand to take better care of yourself physically?

Since the loss of your loved one, do you think about how you want people to reach out to you more and talk about the person you lost? What could you do to reach out to your friends and family more and share stories about your loved one?

Do you know somebody who acts like a doormat and rarely if ever stands up for themselves the way you want them to? Take a look around your own life. How do you fail to honor and respect yourself?

Or, do you wish your friend would handle their finances better? How and where are you out of integrity with your own finances?

This is the point: whatever you're seeing as something that somebody else ought to be doing, is actually something that your own inner wisdom or intuition is advising you to do. One of the quickest and easiest ways that I know to boost my own happiness is to get into integrity with myself by taking my own counsel.

So, what have you been consistently telling somebody else that they should be doing? How or where could you stand to be doing this in your own life? What action can you take today or this week to get yourself into greater integrity around this issue?

Do you hold on like this?

2008-02-01T04:03:00.000-05:00

Lately I've recognized how much I struggle to hold on to things, especially beliefs. Have you ever noticed what happens when you have a belief that somebody should be doing something and they don't? Do you, like so many people, get cranky and harp on them about it or gripe about it to somebody else? Then, rather than communicating your expectation to them more clearly, providing yourself with what you want, or letting go of your expectation altogether, you use the situation to fuel your unhappiness.

Let me give you an example. Recently, a friend told me that his wife wanted him to be more romantic. Expectations like those are really common in relationships. Lots of times it's because we have some idealized picture of what the relationship 'should' look like, you know, the 'Leave it to Beaver' version of life. Then, when life doesn't play out that way, we get upset.

The thing I want to point out though is that when we hold on to our beliefs about what somebody else should be doing or how they should show up in the relationship and they're not, what's really happening is that we're choosing to be a victim in that situation. We wait and wait for them to change and act like it's totally outside our control to bring romance, for example, into our lives ourselves. It doesn't have to be that way.

You could ask your partner to be more romantic and describe what that looks like to you - flowers, cards, candlelit dinners, etc. If they say 'no', thank them for their honesty. That says something about your relationship that they feel safe enough to be up front with you and tell you the truth. You can choose to be grateful for that. Then, you can decide to bring more romance into your life yourself.

If it's flowers you want, pick some up next time you're out, or order some to be sent to you. Make sure to include something on the card that's going to make you feel great when you read it. I love you! You're so special. Here's something to brighten your day. Thanks for all your hard work! You have the most gorgeous smile! Whatever you most want to hear is appropriate. Go for it!

If you'd love to receive some cards, buy them, fill them out to yourself and give them to a friend to send to you. Or hide them around the house. Chances are really good that you'll forget about them and get a fabulous loving pick me up when you happen to find and read them.

You get the idea. If you're willing to let go of the belief that what you're wanting should be showing up in a certain way, and if you're open to the idea that you may be able to provide it for yourself, you can stop being a victim and have some fun giving yourself whatever it is you most want. Be creative. Enlist the help of some friends if you want. The point is that you can let go of the belief that what you desire has to show up in the one and only way that first pops into your head or in the one way that you think it 'should'. What are you more committed to, being right about how the situation should look or work, or starting to create the happiness you desire right now?

All you have to do is let go and recognize that there's more than one way to get what you desire.

So, what feeling do you want to experience more of in your life? What action can you take today or this week to start bringing it into your life?

Share the action you took and how well it worked for you here on the blog. (If you're new to blogging and you want to share, start by clicking on the word 'comments' in aqua at the bottom of this entry. Then, click on 'sign up here' to create a Google account if you don't already have one. Next, type your comment in 'leave your comment'. Finally, complete the 'word verification', and click 'publish your comment'. Once you've created your Google account it'll be easier to comment on future entries.)

More Smiles ~ January 2008

2008-01-31T12:06:00.001-05:00

Do you make this error in your thinking?

Do you tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel the way you feel? “I shouldn’t feel so sad.” “It shouldn’t affect me any more because it happened so long ago.” “I shouldn’t feel angry about what happened.”

If you make yourself wrong for how you feel, you’re not alone. We all do it at some time in our lives. I want to point out here though that feelings are never wrong. You are always safe and right to feel whatever you feel.

Is top worse than bottom, or is to the right worse than to the left? Of course not! Why then do most of us feel that sad is worse than happy and pain is worse than pleasure? We’ve learned since we were small children to run away from, hide, or sit on the emotions that feel ‘bad’ or ‘uncomfortable’.

If you were ecstatic would you try to hide it from yourself and those you care about and who care about you? Probably not, yet most of us hide, cover up, or attempt to hold in our anger, sadness, and pain. When somebody tries to reach out to us and asks how we’re doing, we respond with ‘fine’ or ‘I’m okay’ without even checking in with ourselves to see how we’re really feeling.

Especially after experiencing a loss, we do ourselves a disservice when we fail to pay attention to and share our feelings. Honoring our feelings is what allows us to move gracefully through them. Feelings are neither good nor bad. They just are. Fear isn’t bad, and joy isn’t good. They each serve a purpose. Emotions are a lot like waves. They ebb and they flow. They crest, threaten to overwhelm us, and then recede only to return again another day.

Learning to be happier doesn’t entail ‘getting rid of’ other feelings. On the contrary, it involves loving yourself even as you experience all the other emotions, and knowing that it’s safe and right to feel whatever you feel. Learning to be happier involves knowing that you won’t be consumed by the emotions you allow yourself to feel. Instead, you recognize that those emotions are transitory, just as happiness is. They all come and go, ebb and flow.

So, denying our feelings, covering them up, attempting to hold them in, or trying to force them into submission through sheer force of will doesn’t serve us. They have to come out somewhere and at some time. Author Debbie Ford describes trying to contain a feeling as being similar to trying to hold a beach ball under water. You devote lots of energy to keeping it hidden, yet eventually and inevitably it explodes out of the water. Our emotions do the same thing. How often does the simplest thing act as a trigger for us and throw us right back into the midst of our sorrow, fear, or anger? Expressing each of our emotions as they come up for us in a healthy and loving way helps to keep them from exploding out of us like the beach ball out of the water.

What if we recognized and accepted that sad is simply the opposite of happy, that they’re both on the same continuum, and that it’s not only okay to feel both at various times in our life, but it’s expected? It’s part of our human experience to feel the full range of our emotions.

What if we could identify our feelings, be curious about them, and just sit with them rather than stuffing them down into some dark shameful place within ourselves? What if we quit making ourselves wrong for how we feel? What might be possible in our lives then? How might ‘being with’ our emotions affect us and those we’re close to? What might we then teach the children in our lives? What if it was as comfortable to ‘be with’ pain as it was to ‘be with’ pleasure?

Call to Action: This week, simply begin to notice and label your feelings. You needn’t attempt to change or to express any of them. As you get angry and feel your jaw clench or your shoulders tighten just say to yourself, “Oh anger. I feel angry.” It’s a great first step on the road to self-discovery. Be curious and enjoy the process.

Remember: There is no timeline for our feelings. They come and they go when they’re ready. If you’ve lost a loved one and are grieving two years later, you’re no more right or wrong than the person who is grieving a month later. Our feelings are never wrong.

Welcome!

2007-12-16T18:30:00.000-05:00

As I prepared to begin blogging for the first time ever it occurred to me that as with all things it would help to have an intention around it. I've learned from coaching, and doing the personal work associated with it, that intentions are very different from agendas. Agendas have a certain outcome and a definite means of getting there attached to them. They can just be a list or outline of things to be considered or done, like a meeting agenda. Agendas can also be anything you're trying to obtain for yourself or something you want somebody else to do. Agendas tend to be problematic when they're hidden. With intentions, on the other hand, you still want something to happen, but there's a lot more space for things to go any way the Universe sees fit. With an intention, I can be happy no matter what comes to pass if I'm willing (which, needless to say, is the KEY). An example of an agenda could be for you to read this, think about agendas in your life, and gain significant insight into yourself. Whereas, an intention might be for you to learn something about yourself.

You might guess from all of this that intentions require a certain amount of 'letting go', and you'd be right. Intentions definitely require 'letting go', something that I've traditionally struggled with. Being a self-proclaimed control freak, I always want to dictate how everything goes. Ask anybody, especially my partner, or the folks I'm inclined to boss around all day at my part-time job at Target. I've recognized that I often have this little voice in my head chanting some lines (which I've probably butchered drastically) from Pretty Woman: "I say who. I say when. I say where. I say how." (I may have thrown that last sentence in myself.) Let me just say that those lines resonate with me big time. So, my challenge is to pay attention to what my agendas are, especially my hidden ones, (I'm really good at hiding them from even myself,) and once I've exposed them, 'let go'. (More in the next blog about some tried and true ways to successfully 'let go'.)

Well, back to the original point. Welcome to the Altman Life Coaching blog! I'm Jill Altman, and I'd love to hear from you. (If you're like me and blogging is new to you, click on the word 'comments' in aqua at the bottom of this entry. Then, click on 'sign up here' to create a Google account if you don't already have one. Next, type your comment in 'leave your comment'. Finally, complete the 'word verification', and click 'publish your comment'. Once you've created your Google account it'll be easier to comment on future entries.) What are some of your agendas? Are they hidden (intentionally from others, or unintentionally from yourself)? Did anything surprise you as you thought about this topic? What's your intention for the holidays? And my intention for having this blog? Why, to connect with all of you, of course!

If you haven't already seen it, check out my website at http://www.altmanlifecoaching.com/ It'll be updated by the middle of January and provide another resource to assist you in leading a happier life.